


Feeling Santamental

by GhostofBambi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas fic, F/M, Secret Santa, texting fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2020-10-14 05:28:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20595464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostofBambi/pseuds/GhostofBambi
Summary: A Secret Santa exchange wreaks havoc on the lives of two unsuspecting students.





	1. September - Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> What's this? A Christmas fic in September?! This story has eight chapters in total and covers four months. As the first two are set in September, I am posting them in September. The next two are set in October and will be posted then, and so on. This fic is mostly finished because for once I've been productive! Happy early early early Christmas, guys!

**WhatsApp Group Chat: **Secret Santa

**Created by:** Beatrice Booth, on Sunday 29th September 2019, 5:09 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

================================

**Beatrice Booth:** I've decided we're doing a Secret Santa this year and it's mandatory, thx <3

**Sirius Black:** By what authority?

**Beatrice Booth:** By my own authority as leakgate group leader, Sirius, please do get with the times

**James Potter:** since when were we a) a group?  
b) with a leader?  
c) planning christmas in september?

**Beatrice Booth:** Since a) the leak that bonded us forever  
b) I'm the tallest  
c) Why AREN'T you planning ahead you barbarian?

**Remus Lupin:** The obscenely wealthy don't need to plan ahead.  
James pays people to do that for him.

**James Potter:** b) tallest when in heels, fake news

**Beatrice Booth:** You're deluded if you think you're taller than me

**James Potter:** i'm not obscenely wealthy and out of touch!

**Remus Lupin:** Who said that you were out of touch?

**James Potter:** it was implied, remus  
implied  
an unfair accusation from the friends i thought i knew so well  
i loved you like a sister, booth  
happy christmas to me i guess

**Remus Lupin:** James, you get your football tickets from a concierge service.

**Sirius Black:** You unironically have a chaise lounge in your house.  
And a bidet.  
In more than one bathroom.

**Peter Pettigrew:** I'm up for a secret santa!

**James Potter:** plenty of regular people have bidets in their bathrooms  
suddenly wanting a clean arse is elitism?

**Lily Evans:** Babe, your parents have a maid.

**James Potter:** she only cleans the second house!!!

**Beatrice Booth:** LMFAO

**Remus Lupin:** Only the second house, chaps. He's practically a peasant.

**James Potter:** what?

**Lily Evans:** Oh honey.  
There there, you sweet innocent thing.  
Let's get you in your comfy pjs and off to bed.

**Beatrice Booth:** Can we please move AWAY from Potter's bourgeois arse hose and whatever weird mum kink sex fantasy Lily just revealed by accident and back to Secret Santa?

**James Potter:** wtf??????!!

**Lily Evans:** WOW

**Sirius Black:** I'd like to hear more about the mum kink.

**Remus Lupin:** I wouldn't.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Are we doing a secret santa then?

**Beatrice Booth:** YES  
YES PETER THANK YOU  
BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND  
I think this is only fair as I don't have money to buy presents for all of you, and neither does Lily or Remus

**Peter Pettigrew:** Or me.

**Beatrice Booth:** I'm thinking we can have a spend limit, like £10 - £15 ish?  
There's a website called Boogspace where you can put in all the names and it randomly assigns you someone and emails their name to you so it's not like we have to meet up and pick names out of a hat  
I've already got all of your school emails so I can go ahead and do it now

**Lily Evans:** We should probably wait for Mary to agree first?

**Remus Lupin:** I can't imagine she'll say no, but I agree, we should wait first.

**Beatrice Booth:** You are so right, Remus

**Lily Evans:** Chopped liver right here.

**James Potter:** hang on a second!!!!

**Beatrice Booth: **A true voice of reason in all this uncertainty

**James Potter:** are we really trusting booth to set up a secret santa exchange online without adult supervision?  
because if she does, i'll be willing to bet my life that the whole thing is rigged

**Beatrice Booth:** Seriously, Potter?  
You're seriously seriously accusing me of rigging?

**James Potter: **if the clown-sized high heel fits

**Beatrice Booth:** The audacity!  
The absolute audacity of you Potter when you're the LAST person I'd trust to organise a Secret Santa!  
You with your hidden agendas!!

**James Potter:** what hidden agendas???

_Beatrice Booth is typing_

**James Potter:** it doesn't matter  
don't answer that  
i'll have you know i'm plenty trustworthy!!

**Beatrice Booth:** No, MARY is trustworthy  
REMUS is trustworthy  
YOU are a brat

**Lily Evans:** And Zendaya is Meechee.

**James Potter:** zendaya is what??  
is that the girl from spider-man?

**Beatrice Booth:** POTTER!!!!!!!???????  
In this house Zendaya deserves the respect of capitalisation HDU!!!!

**Lily Evans:** How do you go through life knowing ZERO memes, Potter?  
For the love of god.  
It's practically offensive.

**Peter Pettigrew:** AND LEBRON JAMES IS GWANGI

**Lily Evans:** And don't you DARE capitalise Zendaya if you won't do it for my name, I should come first.

**Sirius Black:** Do I make the obligatory 'that's what she said' joke, or…???

**James Potter:** move your bloody feet if it offends you that much

**Beatrice Booth:** ?????

**Peter Pettigrew:** DANNY DEVITO IS GORGLE  
*DORGLE

**Lily Evans:** I've got my feet in his lap, it's nothing.

**Beatrice Booth:** Where even are you I thought you were in your room?

**Lily Evans:** No, I left about half an hour ago.  
I'm across the hall with this arsehole.  
Clearly a mistake.

**James Potter: **Zendaya

**Lily Evans:** OMFG I hate you.

*****

Stretched across the sofa in the beige, generic living room of a shared student apartment, in one of her university's four halls of residence, and with every intention of courting a reaction, Lily Evans lifted her knees and moved her feet out of James Potter's lap.

Immediately, without looking at her or the television they were supposed to be watching, James placed his phone on the arm of the sofa, took hold of her feet with both hands and moved them back.

"Watch the movie," he absently instructed, returning his attention to his phone.

Lily smiled. 

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: **Secret Santa

**Resumed on:** Sunday 29th September 2019, 8:15 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

================================

**Mary Macdonald:** Sorry I missed this earlier, I'm having the worst fucking day.  
Is this Secret Santa thing happening or what?

**Lily Evans:** I assume so?

**Remus Lupin:** I'm in, anyway.

**James Potter:** me too

**Sirius Black:** Christmas-driven consumerism is a turd shat out by the arsehole of capitalism and Santa is its gyrating slave, whoring himself to the masses.  
I'm out.

**James Potter:** says the man who gets up first to open his presents

**Mary Macdonald:** FFS Sirius, does it not exhaust you to pretend to be so fucking averse to every little thing, every minute of every fucking day?

**Sirius Black:** Fair point.  
I'm in.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Helena and I are in!

**Mary Macdonald:** Errrrrrrr

**Beatrice Booth:** Pardon?

**Mary Macdonald:** Since when did this include our other halves?

**Beatrice Booth:** It doesn't  
The whole point of this group is that we only have to buy for one person and you're obviously going to buy for your boyfriend or girlfriend anyway so it's unnecessary to invite other halves  
This is an other-half free Secret Santa, Peter

**Peter Pettigrew:** Aaaaaaah sorry!!!!!!!!  
I already told Helena she was invited!  
Is there any way to make it so that she can take part and we don't get each other's names?

**Beatrice Booth: **That's not the pooooooiiiiint

**Peter Pettigrew:** Pleeeease??  
Otherwise there's only 7 of us??

**Beatrice Booth:** And?

**Peter Pettigrew:** And someone will be left out!

**Remus Lupin: **How do you reckon that?

**Peter Pettigrew: **Because there are 3 pairs and 1 person spare.

**Lily Evans:** Peter, that's not how that works.

**Beatrice Booth:** LOL Peter we're not straight swapping

**Peter Pettigrew:** But there are still gonna be 3 pairs and 1 person with their own name!

**Sirius Black:** I volunteer to be that person.

**Lily Evans:** Peter, if we all stood in a circle holding candles, and each of us passed our candle to the person on our left, would anyone be left holding their own candle?

**Peter Pettigrew:** ……………?  
OH

**James Potter:** no, but we may have possibly initiated a seance

**Lily Evans:** Shut up you smartarse.

**James Potter:** Zendaya

**Lily Evans:** STOP

**Peter Pettigrew: **Please include Helena! She'll kill me if I tell her she's not invited.

**Mary Macdonald:** I could legitimately see her doing that.

**Peter Pettigrew: **Thank you!!!!

**Mary Macdonald:** Just lowkey insulted your girlfriend, but whatever.

**Beatrice Booth:** If the alternative is having your death on my conscience, then fine, she can join

**Peter Pettigrew: **Thank you!!!!

**Beatrice Booth: **The website lets you pick exemptions so I can make sure you and Helena don't get each other, but NO OTHER BOYFRIENDS OR GIRLFRIENDS ALLOWED OKAY?  
ESPECIALLY you Remus!!!

**Remus Lupin:** I'm not even dating anyone?

**Beatrice Booth:** ESPECIALLY

**Lily Evans:** Mary's the only one of us dating someone aside from Peter.

**Mary Macdonald:** Sad singles FM.

**Lily Evans:** ALSO, if the website lets you pick and choose who doesn't get who, there's not a CHANCE you're organising it **@Beatrice Booth**.  
Potter was right, you'll rig it.

**Beatrice Booth:** I won't rig it!

**Lily Evans:** Yes you will!

**Beatrice Booth:** Yeah, well so would you tbf, the only defining difference between us is that you and your pure as the driven snow Disney Princess face would fucking get away with it you conniving bitch

**Lily Evans:** Thanks, you're pretty too.

**Beatrice Booth:** <3 <3 <3

**James Potter:** i'll do it then

**Beatrice Booth:** If I'm not doing it, YOU'RE not doing it, you'll do whatever Lily tells you

**James Potter: **excuse me??? i feel???? attacked???

**Lily Evans:** She's right, though.

**James Potter:** so???????

**Peter Pettigrew:** I can do it if that helps?

**Beatrice Booth:** What, so you can follow orders from Potter-and-by-extension-Lily? Not happening bucko

**James Potter:** ffs then let sirius do it, he doesn't care enough to rig it

**Sirius Black:** If you let me do it, I'll rig it so that you all get my name and I get seven presents.  
Just warning you in advance.

**Beatrice Booth:** So let Remus do it

**James Potter:** NO

**Beatrice Booth:** No??

**James Potter:** NO  
NO!!!!!!!!??

**Beatrice Booth:** Is this an objection or a mental break?

**Lily Evans:** Oh my god, Potter.  
Are those MORE uppercase letters?

**James Potter:** purely for emphasis, don't make a thing of it

**Lily Evans:** Too late.  
Am shook. 

**Beatrice Booth:** LOL

**Lily Evans: **Someone fetch the smelling salts.

**James Potter:** pls stop trying to get me excited evans i am making a point here  
if I'M not allowed to do it and peter's not allowed to do it and sirius CAN'T do it because he's apparently a fucking sociopath, you can't just HAND it to remus like he's the best of us!!

**Lily Evans:** Wait, there are even MORE?

**Remus Lupin:** How do I argue that I am the best of you without sounding LIKE the rest of you?

**Mary Macdonald:** For the love of god give me the URL and I'LL organise it!  
Jesus H Christ HOW has this taken twenty fucking minutes???!  
Couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery you absolute shower of BASTARDS!!!!!

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Sunday 29th September 2019, 9:38 p.m.

**Members:** James Potter, Lily Evans

================================

**James Potter:** what's got macca in such a bad mood?

**Lily Evans:** Boyfriend drama.

**James Potter:** ooohhhhhh

**Lily Evans:** Turns out I had piss poor timing with the whole "Mary's the only one dating!!!" thing.

**James Potter:** have she and whatshisface split up?

**Lily Evans:** Yes, but no, but yes, but also...maybe not?  
That's not me being vague, that's the answer she gave me.  
Verbatim.

**James Potter:** what's the problem this time?

**Lily Evans: **His sister doesn't like her and her sister doesn't like him and also Mary doesn't really like him that much and he's super wishy washy about how committed they are/are not, but she's trained him to be good in bed and feels the effort of training another one would be time consuming.

**James Potter:** real question, does mary know that men are not seals?

**Lily Evans:** LOL

**James Potter:** nor are they seal the singer, but that's a whole other thing

**Lily Evans:** To be fair  
Seal is Seal.  
So at least ONE man is Seal.

**James Potter:** irrefutable point

**Lily Evans:** That can't be his real name, right?

**James Potter:** is whatshisface the one who doesn't like you because you got drunk and lay on the floor and told him he didn't deserve mary?

**Lily Evans:** Googled it. It's Henry.  
Huh.  
Yeah that's whatshisface.  
Also, slight correction, I told him he was a TURD who didn't deserve her and I stand by that.  
Did I leave my earbuds over at yours?

**James Potter:** yeah

**Lily Evans:** Aw shite. I'll get them tomorrow.  
Anyway she's pissed off and in her room and I'm beginning to think Beatrice was on to something with her "no partners" rule.  
Imagine letting whatshisface in only for him and Mary to split up in a month?

**James Potter:** and helena might literally murder peter before christmas

**Lily Evans:** And then we'd have to call the whole thing off out of respect for the dead.

**James Potter:** one participant murdered, the other incarcerated

**Lily Evans:** Really makes you value being single, doesn't it?

**James Potter:** yeah  
anyway, let me know if she needs an emergency ice cream run or something, tesco's open 24 hours

**Lily Evans:** See, THIS is why you're my favourite.

**James Potter:** because i'm kind and giving?

**Lily Evans:** And the only one with a car.

**James Potter:** awww, there's the lily evans i know and love

**Lily Evans:** Shut uppppp you know you're the best.  
Will be in touch in case of emergency, heading to bed now, shattered.  
Night night, my sweet x

**James Potter:** night night x

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Sunday 29th September 2019, 9:57 p.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** you know how evans said she was "shook" earlier?

**Sirius Black:** She wasn't trying to insinuate that her loins were quivering with desire.

**James Potter:** that wasn't what i was going to ask

**Sirius Black:** Yes it was.


	2. September - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to leave this until next week but I'm going to be busy with BeeDaily visiting me tomorrow (!!!!!!!) and it's Katie's birthday today so you might as well have at it in her honour.

**Boogspace Group:** Mary's Little Shits

**Secret Santa Assignments (Selected at Random)**

================================

**Mary Macdonald (group admin) buys for:** Remus Lupin

**Lily Evans buys for:** James Potter

**Beatrice Booth buys for:** Helena Hodge

**Helena Hodge buys for:** Lily Evans

**Peter Pettigrew buys for:** Sirius Black

**Sirius Black buys for:** Mary Macdonald

**Remus Lupin buys for:** Beatrice Booth

**James Potter buys for:** Peter Pettigrew

**List Hidden from Administrator**

**Emails Sent to:** Mary.Macdonald@hogwartsuniversity.co.uk, Lily.Evans@hogwartsuniversity.co.uk, Beatrice.Booth@hogwartsuniversity.co.uk, Helena.Hodge@hogwartsuniversity.co.uk, Sirius.Black@hogwartsuniversity.co.uk, Remus.Lupin@hogwartsuniversity.co.uk, Peter.Pettigrew@hogwartsuniversity.co.uk, James.Potter@hogwartsuniversity.co.uk 

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Monday 30th September 2019, 2:23 p.m.

**Members:** Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans

================================

**Beatrice Booth:** Where are you RN

**Lily Evans:** Class, why?

**Beatrice Booth: **Who'd you get

**Lily Evans:** LOL Bea  
We've had the emails for all of thirty seconds.

**Beatrice Booth:** Who'd you get? WITH a question mark you punctuation fascist

**Lily Evans:** Yet here you are, nosing.  
Hang on, I said nothing about your punctuation.  
But honestly, could it hurt to add full stops? Why am I the fascist here?

**Beatrice Booth:** Don't be a swoooottttttttttttttt

**Lily Evans:** I'm not telling you who I got, that's not how Secret Santa works.

**Beatrice Booth:** Shut uuuuuhhhhpppp you withholding evil stepmother I got HELENA

**Lily Evans:** HA

**Beatrice Booth:** omfg NO I'm so pissed don't laugh!!!

**Lily Evans:** That's why it's funny.

**Beatrice Booth: **She really salts my dearly held resolve to be nice to everyone  
By way of fucking existing

**Lily Evans:** Do they sell transorbital lobotomies on Amazon?

**Beatrice Booth:** With a £15 limit?

**Lily Evans:** Well, seems like you're shit out of luck, doesn't it?  
And to think, this was all your idea.

**Beatrice Booth:** STAAAAAWWWWHP  
I would have been happy with ANYONE else  
ANYONE  
Even Peter and he's like, lowkey a bit of a perve

**Lily Evans:** Will you cheer up if I swap with you?  
Just don't tell Mary or she'll have my head.

**Beatrice Booth:** Omg  
YES pls omg my angel in heaven above ILU so muuuucccccchhhhh  
Who did you get?

**Lily Evans:** Potter.

**Beatrice Booth:** What?

**Lily Evans:** What?

**Beatrice Booth: **????????????????????????????????????????????

**Lily Evans:** Yes, you're confused, I get it.

**Beatrice Booth:** WTF tho?  
Why would YOU of all people swap Potter for Helena?  
Why would you swap him for ANYONE?

**Lily Evans:** Do you want to swap or not?

**Beatrice Booth:** But WHY?  
Did something happen with you two???????

**Lily Evans:** Do. You. Want. To. Swap. Or. Not. Just. Answer. The. Question.

**Beatrice Booth:** OMG  
omg  
Are you mad at him?  
You're never mad at him????

**Lily Evans:** No, I'm not mad at him.

**Beatrice Booth:** Omg  
OMG  
OMG HE GOT YOU PREGNANT DIDN'T HE?????  
DIDN'T HE??  
HE GOT YOU PREGNANT AND NOW YOUR ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN THROWN INTO CHAOS

**Lily Evans:** I've never so much as kissed the guy, but go off I guess.

**Beatrice Booth:** GAWD, this is getting really drawn out  
Just bone him  
TODAY ONLY! 50% OFF ALL BONINGS  
Then it'll be done and you can go get a latte or something  
Oh no wait, you hate coffee  
Sub 4 frozen yogurt

**Lily Evans:** Sure, it's just that easy.

**Beatrice Booth:** Honestly it kinda is  
You can just lie there and open your legs if you feel like it  
There's no need to get into the advanced stuff until you've had more practice

**Lily Evans:** Please stop making sex sound like competetive gymnastics.

**Beatrice Booth:** Pls just consummate your love

**Lily Evans:** WHAT love?

**Beatrice Booth: **Consider it my Secret Santa present

**Lily Evans:** I didn't GET you, I got Potter.

**Beatrice Booth:** Consider it his Secret Santa present

**Lily Evans:** Are we swapping or not? I've got stuff to do today.

**Beatrice Booth:** How can I  
As a champion of love  
Stand in the way of your love story?  
Your long, boring, drawn-out, stupid love story???

**Lily Evans:** Then stick with Helena for all I care.  
Die mad about it.  
All I'm trying to do is help.

**Beatrice Booth:** OKAY FINE YOU CAN HAVE HER  
FFS LILY YOU KNOW I'M TOTALLY SPINELESS

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Monday 30th September 2019, 2:48 p.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** i got peter, who'd you get?

**Sirius Black:** Not Evans.

**James Potter:** that wasn't why i was asking!

**Sirius Black: **Yes it was.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Monday 30th September 2019, 2:51 p.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth

================================

**Beatrice Booth:** Did something happen with James and Lily that she's not telling me?

**Sirius Black:** They were nauseating as ever yesterday, so idk, probably not.  
Why are you asking?

**Beatrice Booth:** Because she got him in the Secret Santa exchange and swapped me for Helena  
Like, she OFFERED to swap me for Helena  
And it's such a SLIGHT I can't???

**Sirius Black:** Hahahaha.

**Beatrice Booth:** She got really weird when I asked her about it and I'm so confused rn he's her fucking emergency contact

**Sirius Black:** Idk, maybe she already got him a present and it was more than £15.

**Beatrice Booth:** LOL with what money, we're students  
She cuts her own hair  
And my hair  
AND yours, and you can fucking afford it

**Sirius Black:** She cuts it how I like it, how is that a problem?

**Beatrice Booth:** Ever paid her for her trouble?

**Sirius Black:** Hah.  
Did you take it?

**Beatrice Booth:** Take what?

**Sirius Black:** The swap.

**Beatrice Booth:** Oh  
Yeah I did, can't abide Helena, Lil's a braver person than me

**Sirius Black:** Wanna swap him for Macdonald? I've no fucking idea what to get her.

**Beatrice Booth:** Oooh, yes pls

**Sirius Black:** Done and done.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Monday 30th September 2019, 3:15 p.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew

================================

**Sirius Black:** Who'd you get?

**Peter Pettigrew: **I'm not supposed to say!

**Sirius Black:** You got me, then.

**Peter Pettigrew:** I never said that.  
You shouldn't just assume.

**Sirius Black:** You're a shit liar, Pete.  
Not as shit as James, but still, you're up there.

**Peter Pettigrew:** I'm not lying! technically  
I did have you but I don't now, Helena swapped me.

**Sirius Black:** Swapped you for who?

**Peter Pettigrew:** Lily.

**Sirius Black:** Why?

**Peter Pettigrew: **Hates her.

**Sirius Black:** LOL your girlfriend's a wanker.  
Anyway, gimme her number.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Excuse me???? Why do you want MY girlfriend's number?

**Sirius Black:** That's none of your fucking business.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Started on: **Monday 30th September 2019, 3:28 p.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, Helena Hodge

================================

**Sirius Black:** Hey it's Sirius.  
Peter gave me your number.

**Helena Hodge: **Excuse me?  
Why are you sending me UNSOLICITED messages at this time??

**Sirius Black:** What, the middle of the afternoon?

**Helena Hodge: **Tell Peter from me that he's in major trouble for doing this, do you understand?  
MAJOR. TROUBLE.

**Sirius Black:** Keep your hair on, I'd rather seduce a squid.  
James got Peter in the Secret Santa.  
Figured you might want to swap and save yourself some money.

**Helena Hodge: **Ooooooooh

**Sirius Black:** Yeah, that's me, a good fucking Samaritan.  
I bet if you ask him he'll swap with you.

**Helena Hodge:** I don't have his number though x

**Sirius Black:** I can gladly rectify that problem.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Monday 30th September 2019, 3:35 p.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew

================================

**Sirius Black:** Swap you James for Lily.

**Peter Pettigrew: **Done

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Monday 30th September 2019, 3:39 p.m.

**Members:** Helena Hodge, James Potter

================================

**Helena Hodge:** Hiiiiiiiiiiiii! xx

**James Potter:** who is this?

**Helena Hodge:** LOL it's Helena!  
A little bird gave me your number ;D x

**James Potter:** oh right

**Helena Hodge:** Listen I was just thinking that because I have Sirius for Secret Santa maybe you would like to swap because I know you have Peter and I already know what present I want to get him and it would just be so helpful to me and I don't know what to get for Sirius anyway so if you could I'd be super grateful thanks :D x

**James Potter:** isn't there a 15 quid limit though?

**Helena Hodge:** Yes but the present I want to get Peter costs less than that! x

**James Potter:** but he's your boyfriend?

**Helena Hodge:** thanks for reminding me lol x  
only joking, but I'm a poor student! x

**James Potter:** isn't your dad an investment banker?

**Helena Hodge:** lol you're so funny x  
want to swap? Sirius is your best friend after all x

**James Potter:** yeah, sure, you can have peter

**Helena Hodge:** it's so cool that we have each other's numbers now we can talk to each other so much more!!! ;)

**James Potter: **oh shoot helena i just found out my fencing instructor died!

**Helena Hodge: **What???

**James Potter: **off to the funeral, bye!

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Monday 30th September 2019, 3:48 p.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, James Potter

================================

**Sirius Black:** You've got me for Secret Santa now, right?

**James Potter:** excuse me??

**Sirius Black:** I'll swap you for Evans.

**James Potter:** wait what???????  
WHAT????  
you said you didn't have her!!!!!!!

**Sirius Black:** I didn't.  
Now I do.

**James Potter:** you said you didn't have her!  
an hour ago!!!

**Sirius Black:** Don't bitch because I did what you couldn't.

**James Potter:** and how did YOU know i had you?????!!

**Sirius Black:** Curiosity killed the cat, mon frere.

**James Potter:** leave my cat out of this, and how dare you speak french to me!

**Sirius Black:** I want to buy myself a present and you want Evans, those are the facts.  
As far as I'm concerned, this is a fair deal that you won't be able to get elsewhere.

**James Potter:** that's not how secret santa works!!!

**Sirius Black:** Do you want her or not, James?

**James Potter: **you're not even supposed to KNOW that i have you!!

**Sirius Black:** This offer is off the table in 5  
4  
3  
2

**James Potter:** jesus christ FINE give her to me  
buy your own christmas present you bah humbug bastard  
ruin secret santa for yourself, for all i care  
lily deserves better than the best you can offer

**Sirius Black:** The best that I could offer was you, mate.  
And look, I gave it to her.  
I gave it to her good.

**James Potter:** STOP

**Sirius Black: **Pleasure doing business with you.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Monday 30th September 2019, 4:14 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** so this is a weird thing to bring up  
but

**Lily Evans: **Yes, I also think the palace needs a bowling alley.

**James Potter:** holy shit it does  
evans you beautiful genius  
i didn't even know that i wanted that, but i do?  
do it again, what do i want for dinner?

**Lily Evans:** Lamb cutlets.

**James Potter:** omg  
i really do want lamb cutlets

**Lily Evans:** What a coincidence, so do I.

**James Potter:** lol  
i'll pick some up on my way home, what time are you free?

**Lily Evans:** Around 7 ish? I fancied baking today so I can sort out dessert?

**James Potter:** i'll have them ready for 7 ish then  
suppose i should get some for the others too  
or should i say for remus and peter because i'm pretty sure that sirius just gave helena hodge my number

**Lily Evans: **What???!

**James Potter:** yeah, thus, the weird thing  
unless he didn't and i'm just being paranoid but do you know anyone else who could have given it to her?

**Lily Evans: **I spend as much time as I can pretending we live in a world that doesn't include her, and I thought that everyone else felt the same, so alas.  
What happened, did she phone you or something?

**James Potter:** no, texted  
there were a lot of kisses and winky faces  
too many

**Lily Evans:** As far as she's concerned, one winky face would be too many.  
Any more than that is grounds for a harassment charge.

**James Potter:** so you'll perform a citizen's arrest then?  
brilliant, thanks, i would but i'm far too scared of her.

**Lily Evans:** It suddenly falls on me to get rid of your stalker why?

**James Potter:** do you want the lamb cutlets or not?

**Lily Evans: **Are they supermarket cutlets or butcher-fresh?

**James Potter:** you think i'd feed my wife with anything less than butcher-fresh lamb?

**Lily Evans: **Oh FINE, I'll arrest her.  
What did you say to her when she texted?

**James Potter:** panicked and told her my fencing instructor had died  
which i kind of feel bad about now because what if i've jinxed him?

**Lily Evans:** Jinxed him?  
James.  
A fencing instructor?

**James Potter:** yeah?

**Lily Evans: **YOU HAVE A FENCING INSTRUCTOR?

**James Potter:** ...no?

**Lily Evans:** I swear to god, if you are actually so much of a toff that you HAVE a private fencing instructor I will die laughing on the spot.

**James Potter:** i don't!  
not now, anyway

**Lily Evans: **Ominous much?

**James Potter:** it's not ominous, honestly  
mum got me a fencing instructor years ago to teach me poise and discipline but it didn't work out

**Lily Evans: **Why?

**James Potter:** reasons beyond my control

**Lily Evans: **Tell the truth

**James Potter: **instructor quit

**Lily Evans:** Why?

**James Potter:** it's nothing  
an overreaction

**Lily Evans: **Why?

**James Potter: **he caught me playing with the sword after the lesson ended

**Lily Evans:** And?

**James Potter:** and nothing

**Lily Evans: **AND?

**James Potter: **accidentally stabbed him in the face

**Lily Evans: **There we go.


	3. October - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait to post this until mid-October but then A Thing happened that put me in a bad mood so this is me, going to sleep on a positive note.

_October 2018_

"D'you have a bucket, Lil?"

"Pardon?"

"A bucket." Beatrice had poked her head through Lily's open bedroom door, her fingers curling around the white-painted frame.

"Why would I have a bucket?" said Lily.

"It doesn't have to be a bucket. Anything that can hold water will do."

"Why?"

"The lads across the hall have a leak in their ceiling."

"What, seriously?"

"Yeah, some pipe's burst upstairs and there's water pouring into their kitchen," Beatrice explained, then performed an elegant little twirl that took her fully into the room. She seemed remarkably chipper, considering the news she was relaying, but she was often remarkably chipper. And often entered rooms with dance moves. Lily had learned these things in the three weeks that had passed since first they met. "They're waiting for Maintenance now but they still need stuff to catch the water and one of them's _really_ cute."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, like...hot young professor cute? Except he clearly _isn't_ a professor so I can shag him without risking his career and my education."

Lily closed the book that lay open against her thighs. "Cute and scholarly and helpless, but here you are, his guardian angel, coming to his rescue with an array of pots and pans?"

"I don't know what you mean, I'm very kind," said Bea lightly. "So have you got anything?"

"I've got a...well, that thing?" Lily suggested, pointing at the large plastic storage box she'd used to move her books and bedding into the flat. "That should hold a lot."

"Ooh, that'll be perfect. Bring it over. And I call dibs on the one in the espadrilles!" Bea sang, bouncing her way out of the room.

Lily was tired and trying to vegetate, and had just allayed a headache by pulling her ponytail out with a sigh, but she liked Beatrice too much to deny her what she wanted and leaks in the ceiling were no joke.

So she scrambled off the bed, adjusted her pyjama bottoms and hauled the empty storage box into her arms.

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: **Secret Santa

**Resumed on:** Tuesday 1st October 2019, 6:18 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

================================

**Mary Macdonald:** Did everyone get their Secret Santas?

**Lily Evans:** I know that Beatrice and I got ours.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Same for me and Helena!

**Remus Lupin:** I got mine.

**Sirius Black:** Got mine, so did James.

**Mary Macdonald:** Everybody happy with who they got?

**Remus Lupin:** Very.

**James Potter:** yes, thanks

**Peter Pettigrew:** Very.

**Sirius Black:** Personally, I'm ecstatic.

**Mary Macdonald:** Oh for fuck sake.  
You smarmy fuckers swapped, didn't you?

**Beatrice Booth:** No!

**James Potter:** no

**Remus Lupin:** I didn't.

**Peter Pettigrew:** No!

**Lily Evans:** Of course not. Who'd even do that?

**Sirius Black:** Sounds like too much effort tbh.

**James Potter:** why would any of us swap when we all like each other so much?  
so much, macca  
the purest of friendships only here

**Mary Macdonald:** Hmm.

**James Potter:** what?

**Mary Macdonald:** HMM.

**James Potter:** i heard you the first time

**Beatrice Booth:** Moving on from Mary's baseless suspicions and frankly insulting distrust, when are we doing the exchange?

**Sirius Black:** IDK whenever.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Near Christmas?

**Beatrice Booth:** Well yeah obviously Peter it's a Christmas exchange

**Lily Evans: **December 13th maybe?  
It's the last day of term so we could have a little party that night?

**Beatrice Booth:** You want to exchange presents on Friday 13th?  
Christmas presents?  
Full of magic and wonder?

**Lily Evans:** Yes?

**Beatrice Booth:** And you see no problem with that?

**Lily Evans:** No Beatrice, because I'm not twelve.

**James Potter:** i'm fine with december 13th

**Beatrice Booth:** SUCH a surprise that you're fine with Lily's morbid idea  
Here's a question, if she jumped off a cliff, would you do it?

**James Potter:** yes i would and you know what?  
i would instantly die upon impact, so what're you gonna do about it?

**Peter Pettigrew:** Oh, oh, oh!  
Before I forget!  
Who is the admin of this chat?

**Beatrice Booth:** Me

**Peter Pettigrew:** Do you think that you could add Helena?

**Beatrice Booth:** Sure, one sec

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: **Secret Santa Chat Take 2

**Created by:** Beatrice Booth, on Tuesday 1st October 2019, 6:27 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald, James Potter

================================

**Beatrice Booth:** So is everyone ok with a £15 limit?

**Mary Macdonald:** Yeah, I think that's fair.

**Lily Evans:** Yeah, I'm not really in a position to spend any more than that.

**Sirius Black:** This is what mixing with the proletariat gets you, I guess.

**Beatrice Booth:** So, we're agreed on £15?

**Remus Lupin: **Let's lock that down before James decides to buy his pick a Fabergé egg.

**Mary Macdonald: **Just for the hell of it.

**Beatrice Booth:** Or for the 'gram

**Remus Lupin:** #blessed

**Beatrice Booth:** Hahahaha!

**James Potter:** wtf is a fabergé egg?  
are they made of chocolate?

**Beatrice Booth:** No

**James Potter: **then why would i buy one as a gift?

**Lily Evans: **Y'all are bullying my husband and I'm not here for it.

**Mary Macdonald:** Lily you're not a Texan conservative, stop it.

**Beatrice Booth:** Y'ALL

**Lily Evans:** Yeah, now that I'm reading it back I'm pretty disgusted with myself.

**Beatrice Booth:** James is sooooo gonna die under "mysterious circumstances"

**Remus Lupin:** Oh, definitely.  
An inexplicable poisoning.

**Beatrice Booth:** Cut to Lily sweeping down her staircase in one of those sheer dressing gowns that trail along the steps

**Mary Macdonald:** With feathers on the sleeve cuffs.

**Remus Lupin:** Holding a candelabra, or a really really tiny hairless dog.

**Beatrice Booth:** Black veil at the funeral

**Remus Lupin:** Dabbing at her perfectly made up face with a silk handkerchief and clutching at the sleeve of Gustav, her interior designer/life guru.

**Mary Macdonald:** "I swear, officer, I loved him, I did!"

**Beatrice Booth:** But with a Southern Belle accent

**Mary Macdonald:** "Ah swear, officer! Ah loved him, ah did!"

**Beatrice Booth:** Her fingernails are seven inches long.

**Remus Lupin:** Lips the size of a cumberland sausage.

**Lily Evans:** This sounds more like either of you than it does me.

**Beatrice Booth:** tbf that's true

**Mary Macdonald:** Can't argue that tbh.  
Lily will marry for love and Bea for money.

**Remus Lupin:** What about you?

**Mary Macdonald: **I'll settle for neither when my biological clock starts ticking.  
Or to shut my mother up, who knows.

**James Potter:** evans pls don't kill me when i haven't yet reached for the stars

**Lily Evans:** I mean, fine, if I must cancel my plans.

**Sirius Black:** I thought this was a Secret Santa group, not the Riverdale screenwriters room.

**James Potter:** **@Lily Evans **food's almost done if you wanna come over

**Lily Evans:** James Potter you are a hero and I adore you and will be over in 10 with the cheesecake.

**Beatrice Booth:** Wait, that cheesecake is for HIM?

**Mary Macdonald:** Typical.

**Beatrice Booth:** Poisoned cheesecake for your husband

**Mary Macdonald:** As if it isn't bad enough that she hasn't shagged him.

**Lily Evans:** It's a full cheesecake, we're obviously not going to get through it all.

**James Potter: **speak for yourself

**Lily Evans: **Anyway, there's nothing stopping either of you from coming with me, Remus is having dinner with us too.

**Remus Lupin: **I personally have not cooked anything but I am setting out cutlery.

**Beatrice Booth:** V important task

**James Potter: **we were supposed to do this yesterday when sirius was free too but the stupid power outage cocked everything up

**Beatrice Booth: **Bonnie and Isabella said the power was on in Huffle so it must have been just this building

**Mary Macdonald:** Probably another vital piece of equipment they never bothered to have serviced.

**Lily Evans: **No surprises there.

**Mary Macdonald:** I swear to god the people running this building are fucking hack bastards.

**Beatrice Booth:** More importantly what have you cooked

**James Potter:** lamb, veg, roast potatoes and gravy

**Beatrice Booth: **Oh my GOdddddddddd pleaseeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

**Mary Macdonald:** Omg you darling, can we come over?

**James Potter:** yeah come over with my murderous bride if you want, i've made enough for all of you

**Beatrice Booth:** Awwwwwwwwww Jimjams!

**Mary Macdonald:** Jimmy boy!

**Beatrice Booth: **Love you Jimmers xoxo  
So sad you have to die

**Mary Macdonald: **Tragic, RIP, too young.**  
**Sweet baby you are.

**James Potter:** macca, i'm older than you

**Mary Macdonald: **In age only.  
And since when does that count?

*****

_October 2018_

The door to the flat of the Lads Across the Hall was sitting open when Lily closed the door to her own, her chunky storage box balanced precariously against her hip. She could hear Mary barking orders inside, predictably taking charge of a problem that was not even her own.

Mary was a leader, practical to her bones. That, Lily had also learned in three weeks of happy cohabitation. If Beatrice was a flighty, fanciful fairy of some far-flung, enchanted place, Mary was the iron-willed queen of the kingdom. She ruled with a hand that was strict, yet fair, and demanded respect from all.

Lily wasn't quite sure where she sat in the equation. Somewhere in between, she imagined. 

The point was, they all liked each other.

The living and dining area in the flat was a mirror of Lily's own, albeit less tidy and boasting a far bigger television. Mary waved her over when she walked in, her iPhone plastered to her ear. Everyone else was assembled in the kitchen area. One chap was standing on a chair with a pot held above his head, another was stacking a kettle on top of the toaster he held in his arms, and a third was on the floor with Beatrice, wearing espadrilles and mopping up water with a couple of unfortunate towels. 

"—swear to god, if my family maintained their properties like this we'd have the Housing Ombudsman up our _holes,"_ Mary scolded as she approached, her bright blue eyes aflame with righteous indignation. "If you can't get someone out quicker than—hang on." She placed her hand over her phone and jerked her head in the direction of the kitchen. "Thanks, darling, give that to James."

"Which one is—_oh,"_ said Lily, her eyes falling upon the guy on the chair, whose damp white t-shirt bore a bold printed **HELLO, MY NAME IS JAMES**. "Gotcha."

Mary returned to her phone and resumed her condemnation of whatever unlucky sod happened to be on the other end of the line, so Lily walked over to Hello, My Name Is James. He was trying to catch the water in the pot as it dripped from the ceiling, a task that was proving difficult as the source of the leak was so wide.

His arms, however, looked pretty good holding it aloft, nicely defined but not bulky, every sinewy line and muscle in exactly the right place.

_He,_ in fact, looked pretty good holding it aloft.

"Hello," she said.

He looked down at her and his eyebrows lifted in surprise behind a pair of dark-framed specs. "Oh, wow."

"Got this for you," she informed him, indicating the box on her hip.

"You're an angel," said Hello, My Name Is Perfectly Sculpted Arms. "One sec."

He hopped off the chair, landing before her with an uprightness that might have been graceful, had the pot he was holding not splashed water a clear two feet across the room. It didn't seem to faze him, though, and he quickly moved the chair out of the way while Lily set the storage box down onto the floor.

"That's better," he remarked as he poured the remaining contents of his pot into the box, which was catching all of the water from the leak with perfect ease. He lifted it into the air and grinned at her; the wet parts of his t-shirt were clinging to him nicely. "Hard to be accurate with something this size."

"I can imagine, that's a pretty big leak," said Lily, glancing up at the ceiling. "I'm just glad that we were home when it happened."

"Yeah, thank you. All three of you. We didn't really know what we should do until Sirius went for help and the angry Scottish one came over."

They both looked over at Mary, who had started to gesticulate whilst on the phone.

"Yeah," Lily sighed, and laughed with it, "that one's a fixer. You were in expert hands the moment she arrived."

"It's cool that we're finally meeting you guys."

"Yeah, it is."

"I'm just sorry that it has to be like this," he finished.

He was very, very tall, had a dimple in one cheek, and his hair was very black and wildly rumpled.

This one was much, _much_ cuter than espadrilles.

Perhaps. Lily hadn't properly looked. This one was too distracting.

"How is there water over _here?"_ cried the bloke who carried the toaster and kettle away from the leak, emerging from a bedroom with one finger pointing at the spillage his housemate had caused with the pot.

"No idea, probably ghosts," Hello, My Name Is Definitely Lily's New Crush easily replied, tossing the remark over his shoulder like a sweet wrapper before he held his hand out for Lily to shake. "I'm James, by the way. Well, obviously, since I've plastered it across my chest. James Potter." He glanced at the pot in his other hand and let out a weak laugh. "Also obviously?"

"What a literal introduction," she said, smiling as she took the proffered hand. "Well, nice to meet you, James Potter. I'm Lily Evans."

"Hello, Lily Evans," said James Potter, and smiled back.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Tuesday 8th October 2019, 11:35 a.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, Mary Macdonald

================================

**Lily Evans:** I didn't see you this morning, were you at home?

**Mary Macdonald:** No darling, stayed over with whatshisface.

**Lily Evans:** Did you get back together or not?

**Mary Macdonald:** No but also maybe, idk.  
Sex was good, a solid B+ and didn't last too long so I could catch up with Supermarket Sweep after, but then we had a row.

**Lily Evans:** Over what?

**Mary Macdonald:** Secret Santa.  
I told him about it without thinking and he threw a stinker over it because he hadn't been included which meant I wasn't serious about us or something?  
Idk I zoned out.

**Lily Evans:** Did you explain that couples weren't allowed per Bea's rule?

**Mary Macdonald:** Yes, but he's been over a couple of times when Bea has actively been At It.

**Lily Evans:** Ah.

**Mary Macdonald:** Ah.

**Lily Evans:** I really think she thinks we don't know, though.

**Mary Macdonald:** Why is she even keeping it secret at this point?

**Lily Evans:** Idk, maybe it's more exciting that way?

**Mary Macdonald:** Did you hear it the other night?  
Like animals howling, thought the RSPCA would be round looking for tortured dogs.

**Lily Evans:** Bits and pieces.  
I've started listening to music during.  
James and I have a bet going where we're seeing who can get the furthest in our playlist before they stop, depending on whose flat they're shagging in.  
He CLAIMS he got to Blue Monday by New Order last week which is eight songs in.

**Mary Macdonald:** It's hard to imagine Remus shagging.  
He's so polite.  
I feel like he'd offer you a mint during.

**Lily Evans:** "A light refreshment or two?"

**Mary Macdonald:** "Are you chilly? I could close a window."

**Lily Evans: **"May I have permission to enter?"

**Mary Macdonald:** "Enter your vagina, that is."

**Lily Evans:** Would Remus say vagina?

**Mary Macdonald:** Yes definitely, he's very practical.  
Your boy would too.

**Lily Evans:** His mum would have his life if he didn't.  
Sirius wouldn't, he'd say something crass.

**Mary Macdonald:** I don't even want to THINK about what Peter would call it.

**Lily Evans:** "The realm."

**Mary Macdonald:** Oh my god.  
ANYWAY, since whatshisface has heard the two of them shagging, he thinks that couples ARE allowed and I've just left him out because he's a fuckhead and I don't like him.  
Which tbf is true but I should be the one who gets to tell him that.  
I don't like him figuring it out for itself.

**Lily Evans:** I'm sorry darling.

**Mary Macdonald:** Don't worry about it, he's not the one and I should dump him anyway.  
Speaking of Secret Santa, who'd you get?

**Lily Evans: **Is it not against the rules to ask me that, oh great one?

**Mary Macdonald:** Yeeeeaaaah but asking you doesn't count, you're you.  
I got Remus, so there you have it.

**Lily Evans: **I can tell you who I got, but it does come with a confession.  
So you're going to have to promise not to thump me for breaking the rules.

**Mary Macdonald:** You swapped someone for Potter, didn't you?

**Lily Evans:** Why is that the first thing you assume?

**Mary Macdonald:** Do you want me to answer that question?

**Lily Evans: **For your information, I swapped him away.  
Beatrice got Helena and she was fuming about it, so I offered.

**Mary Macdonald:** You hate Helena.

**Lily Evans:** I know.

**Mary Macdonald:** So why did you swap?

**Lily Evans:** I've been saving up to get him something in particular for Christmas and it's too expensive for Secret Santa, so I might as well let Bea have him and give him his present privately.

**Mary Macdonald: **What is it you're getting him?

**Lily Evans:** Never mind.  
It's this LEGO thing.  
That sounds stupid but he'll love it.

**Mary Macdonald:** You're so cute and in love.

**Lily Evans:** Don't make fun.

**Mary Macdonald:** No, I'm serious, it's really sweet.

**Lily Evans:** Oh god stop, please, I'm dying.

**Mary Macdonald:** Still?

**Lily Evans: **I THOUGHT he was going to say something the other day because we were having a conversation about his parents' wedding anniversary and how they'd given him a really clear idea of what he wanted out of a relationship and then he went all quiet for a second and I swear my heart stopped, but you'll NEVER guess what he was doing while I was stupidly hoping for some sort of romantic gesture?

**Mary Macdonald:** Reciting the times tables in his head?

**Lily Evans:** He was trying to stop a massive sneeze.

**Mary Macdonald: **Oh darling :S

**Lily Evans:** Unsuccessfully.

**Mary Macdonald:** I mean…what's he supposed to do in that situation, declare his love with snot all over his face?

**Lily Evans:** It wasn't a snotty sneeze.

**Mary Macdonald:** With spray all over yours?

**Lily Evans:** You really don't need to argue sneeze semantics to make me feel better, Mary. I beg you.

**Mary Macdonald:** I just don't think it's workable to follow up a sneeze with a love declaration.  
You never see it in the films.

**Lily Evans:** Because films are so true to life.

**Mary Macdonald:** It'd still kill the moment.

**Lily Evans:** There wasn't a moment.

**Mary Macdonald:** If your heart stopped there must have been a moment in there somewhere.

**Lily Evans:** Maryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

**Mary Macdonald:** Lilyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy  
Did you tell Bea about the Lego?

**Lily Evans:** I would have, but I want to surprise him and you know Bea, she and secrets aren't friends.  
She'd have TRIED to keep it quiet, I know that much.

**Mary Macdonald:** Bless her beautiful heart, she's not so great at keeping things quiet.

**Lily Evans:** Particularly her top secret sex.

**Mary Macdonald:** Amen to that.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 9th October 2019, 1:04 p.m.

**Members:** Beatrice Booth, James Potter

================================

**Beatrice Booth:** Need any help?

**James Potter:** with what?

**Beatrice Booth:** Lily's Secret Santa present

**James Potter:** excuse me, what makes you think i got lily?

**Beatrice Booth:** I have no idea if you got her or not but I know that you have her now

**James Potter:** did sirius tell you that?

**Beatrice Booth:** Nobody told me anything

**James Potter:** then wtf?

**Beatrice Booth:** It's difficult to explain HOW I know what I know, that you would have taken any chance to swap with whoever DID have her, because as YOU know, Jimmers, you are so very subtle in your longing stares and constant flirting and buying of the tampons

**James Potter:** wtf do tampons have to do with anything?

**Beatrice Booth:** When have you ever bought me tampons?

**James Potter:** if you'd ever asked me to i would have!

**Beatrice Booth:** The point is I wouldn't because you're:  
A) not my boyfriend  
B) not my boyfriend  
C) not my boyfriend

**James Potter:** friends can buy friends tampons, i'm not lily's boyfriend either

**Beatrice Booth:** Oh, but you are

**James Potter:** what is she supposed to do, go out and buy her own tampons when she's actively bleeding?  
who would be comfortable in that situation?  
why do you want her to suffer?

**Beatrice Booth:** Wow  
WOW  
You didn't just leap to the wrong conclusion, you found it at the bottom of a cliff  
You're just pissed that I offered to help, aren't you?

**James Potter:** shut up

**Beatrice Booth:** You don't think you need help  
Your pride is wounded

**James Potter:** i've known her just as long as you have

**Beatrice Booth:** I've known her three weeks longer than you have.  
Plus, I live with her.  
You think you're so great because you know her cycle? I'm ON her cycle, we're SYNCED UP

**James Potter:** yeah well excuse me because i can't just grow a womb to compete with you  
i don't need help with her present, i've got it covered

**Beatrice Booth:** What are you getting her?

**James Potter:** as if i'm telling you  
you can't even keep your affair with remus quiet  
yeah, you thought  
you THOUGHT

**Beatrice Booth:** Eh  
At least I'm shagging the love of MY life

**James Potter:** omg i hate you

**Beatrice Booth:** OMG I love you too xox

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Friday 11th October 2019, 8:16 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** you seen this storm?

**Lily Evans:** It's mental.

**James Potter:** insane

**Lily Evans:** I swear about five minutes ago I saw the lightning flash RIGHT outside my window.

**James Potter:** yeah peter's here bricking it  
got torches at the ready and everything  
he was talking earlier about stockpiling canned food in case it lasts for days

**Lily Evans:** Has he mistaken the thunderstorm for a Russian missile strike?

**James Potter:** your guess is as good as mine honestly  
jfc that one was loud

**Lily Evans:** I FELT that.  
Imagine being outside right now?

**James Potter:** you'd be soaked in that rain

**Lily Evans:** Drowned.

**James Potter:** swept down the drain  
anyway, fancy going for a drive?

**Lily Evans:** LOL  
Casual drive through the apocalypse, yeah?

**James Potter:** yeah, why not?  
it's atmospheric

**Lily Evans:** A drive where?

**James Potter:** anywhere  
nowhere

**Lily Evans:** Hmm.

**James Potter: **somewhere without people?

**Lily Evans: **Just me and you?

**James Potter:** obviously

**Lily Evans:** God yes, that sounds amazing.  
Be over in two minutes.

*****

_October 2018_

When a man from Maintenance arrived to fix the leak, the three boys decided it was best that they clear out, so Beatrice extended an invitation to wait out the storm together in the girls' flat. They were shortly joined by Peter, who lived down the corridor and had made friends with the guys during Freshers' Week, just as Beatrice was breaking out the vodka to facilitate what she claimed was a "quintessential" university bonding experience.

They got through the bottle, then Mary's red wine, then Sirius popped back to the boys' flat for more, then Peter was sent to forage in his own place. He came back with rum, tequila, and several lukewarm cans of passion fruit cider.

All seven of them were trashed by midnight.

"Toto!" Beatrice shrieked, with Lily's phone in her hand. "Belinda Carlisle, Starshi—A-Ha, Lily? _A-Ha?"_

Such was the game they were playing, with everyone in the group just drunk enough to be totally pliable. Beatrice already gone through Remus and Peter's Spotify accounts to render her verdicts on their tastes (Peter's was "too indie," Remus's "perfect," though Bea was definitely still aiming to sleep with him), pairing each with her little bluetooth speaker so that the group may have music to accompany their late-night binge drinking. 

Now it was Lily's turn, and Beatrice, apparently, took issue with amazing 80s pop.

"What's wrong with A-Ha?" Lily protested from the floor, and threw an empty crisp packet in Bea's vague direction. She'd just gotten comfortable in a spot against the wall and found herself with no desire to move, even if it meant reclaiming her phone from Beatrice's clutches. "A-Ha are _classic."_

"A-Ha are _cheese!"_ Bea refuted.

"A-Ha are shit," Sirius flatly seconded.

"A-Ha," said Peter, sniggering. "Doesn't even sound like a band."

"Dexy's Midnight Runners," Beatrice continued, scrolling through the playlist. A few strands of long, sleek, poker-straight brown hair were floating in her glass of wine, but she didn't appear to have noticed. "Lipps Inc, Phil Col—_Phil Collins!_ Bonnie Tyler! I can't even—" 

"She can think what she likes," muttered James, who was sitting on a cushion next to Lily. He shuffled around in an effort to extract his phone from the pocket of his jeans. _"I_ happen to think that we're musically compatible."

Ah, James.

James.

What a nice name, _James._

Lily liked him.

_Really_ liked him.

She couldn't be blamed for that, but he could. James was nice and funny and stupidly handsome, and had a really posh voice without the posh twat attitude. He and Sirius were brothers—not _real_ brothers, Sirius was adopted when he ran away from home at sixteen—so they'd requested to share housing and been put in a flat with Remus, who was also very nice, very funny.

They were all very nice, very funny, but James was…something else.

Lily liked him. _Really_ liked him.

"Is that so?" she said, turning her head to regard him just as Bea hit play on Careless Whisper and immediately started to mimic the sax.

"Yup. Here, have a nose," he said, and tossed his phone into her lap. Lily caught it with both hands before it could fall into the gap between her crossed legs, and raised it to her face.

"It's locked," she informed him.

"181058," James promptly supplied. "Birthday."

"Whose?"

"Mum's."

"Ah."

"Remind me to get her something, yeah?" He lifted his glass to his chin and took a dainty sip from a bright pink straw. Lily had mixed them both a cocktail with fruit juice and rum, and maybe vodka, or maybe something else, she couldn't quite remember. "18th is next week and she's fussy."

"Sure."

_"So_ fussy."

"But why're you trusting _me_ with your passcode?" said Lily, though she had already unlocked the phone and was squinting at a background photo of an enormously fluffy ginger cat. "I could hack you and send things to your friends. And what's the cat's name?"

"What?"

"You've got to tell me the cat's name."

"Oh." James leaned over her shoulder and peered at his phone. He smelled rather nice, this close up. Not at all like booze. "That's my Algernon, Lily Evans. Quite a fine gentleman. I must introduce you one day."

He smelled _really_ nice, actually, sort of like...well, she couldn't quite put her finger on it, except that some quite pleasant aroma was emanating from his hair. She pressed her nose against his head to investigate. "Hmm?"

"What?"

"What?"

"Are you smelling my hair, Evans?"

Lily inhaled deeply. "No?"

"Think you are, though."

"Might be, maybe." She flopped back against the wall and James righted himself again. "It's really soft."

"Thanks," he said, sifting through his unruly black locks with his fingers. "That's the baby shampoo. They tell you it's not for adults, but they're lying."

"Who's lying?"

"My...dad, I guess?" James suggested, then snorted. "I dunno, really? You gonna look at my playlists or not?"

"Yes, I am!"

"Don't see Spotify anywhere."

"I'm _do-ing_ it!" Lily squeaked, abandoning her half-idea to scroll through his photos and see if there were any girlfriends in the picture. She opened Spotify instead and located his library.

It was just like he said—_Easy 80s, All Out 80s, 80s Hits, 80s Love Songs—_they had the exact same cheesy musical preferences.

They were compatible.

Musically.

Lily liked him. Really, _really_ liked him.

"This is good," she said. "These playlists."

"I know."

"You've got really good taste."

"So d'you."

"I'm gonna put my number in your phone," she said, closing down Spotify. She opened his contacts and hit the little plus sign in the corner. "In case of emergencies."

"Oh, good," James absently agreed, and dropped his head back against the wall, his glass dangling in one hand between his uplifted knees. "Was gonna ask you anyway."

She didn't reply, but set herself the task of typing out her details, which for some reason felt quite difficult to accomplish. Her fingers kept pressing the wrong buttons and it took several moments of eyes-shut reflection to recall the initial three digits of her number. In fact, so absorbing was her mission that Lily became quite transfixed upon the phone until Mary let out a loud, startling hoot of laughter and threw herself backwards off the arm of the sofa.

It might have been a fall, actually. Lily felt too fuzzy-brained to tell.

"Y'know," James piped up beside her, his outer arm pressed against her outer arm. Very warm. Very close. Just as drunk, or possibly more so, than she was. "Think you might actually be m'soulmate."

While Beatrice and Peter staggered across the room to rescue Mary, Lily allowed herself a moment to consider, very seriously, the three or four hours in which she and James had known one another. 

"Makes sense," she concluded.

"Y'think?"

"Yeah." She tilted her head to the side and leaned away from him, squinting so as to observe him with greater scrutiny. "Though you _are_ drunk."

"So's bloody you."

"That's true." She _was_ drunk. It was funny that he had noticed. Lily laughed. "Maybe not, so?"

"Maybe not," he agreed, with a solemn nod. The dust from the cheesy Wotsits they'd been eating had smudged a little across his cheek. "Shan't kiss you just yet, then."

_"Shan't."_ Lily laughed again. The sound of it was slightly animalistic. "Who says _shan't_ nowadays?"

"I do."

"But why?"

"'Cause I'm well posh, innit?"

"Oh yeah, you said!" she recalled in amazement, and now _he_ was laughing, so Lily nudged him in the ribs and dropped her head against his shoulder, comfortable here on the floor. "But come back to the kissing thing later, okay?"

"Later when?"

"When I brush my teeth, maybe, I dunno."

"Cool," James mumbled, his words sounding thick through a yawn. "Remind me t'buy you a toothbrush."


	4. October - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want you all to know that A) the cupcake thing is based on real events and B) I finally managed to include an ode to my favourite wrestler of all time in this chapter and I'm tickled pink about it.

_October 2018_

"Alright, Evans?" called her neighbour, leaning across his passenger seat to send her a cheerful wave as the word _murder!_ entered and left Lily's brain in a flash.

It was raining.

Torrential stuff.

Biblical, Lily would reflect later. She didn't consider herself dramatic, but maintained that strong experiences required appropriately strong words.

It hadn't been raining when she left the flat to walk to the supermarket, but now it was and she'd been caught in the middle of it. She had no umbrella to shield her, no available public buildings to duck into on this stretch of road, just James Potter, who'd pulled up next to her in a bright red Seat and rolled his window all the way down.

The same James Potter of the Lads Across The Hall, or "Hello, My Name Is," which Lily preferred.

The same James Potter she'd fancied herself in love with for a hot second during a drunken first introduction, before he and his mates skedaddled back to their own flat and Lily hadn't seen him for two weeks.

That James Potter.

"Reasonably," she replied, feebly lifting her bag-laden arms to indicate that she could not wave back in her present state. "Are you in need of roadside assistance?"

"I could ask you the same question," he said, his voice just audible above the rain's unholy tantrum. "You look like a mermaid."

"Thanks, you look very dry."

"Dry and warm. You should try it one of these days."

"Rubbing it in, are you?"

"Just a little."

"You do that, I'll swim the rest of the way home."

James's laughter was boyish and charming, and drew her an unthinking step or two towards his car. "Fancy a lift?"

"I wonder what gave it away?"

He unlocked the door with a mechanical click and pushed it open towards her. "Hop in."

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 16th October 2019, 7:31 a.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**Lily Evans:** I had a dream that we went to a wizarding school and had wands and were turning teacups into rats in lieu of actually learning anything useful, it was wild.

**James Potter:** was i really good at everything?

**Lily Evans:** It was really weird because they were really nice teacups.  
Like, proper bone china.  
Sirius refused to do it because his cup was a Ginori and it would be sacrilege, and McGonagall (who was our teacher I guess??) gave him a detention scrubbing bedpans or something, and we had to write everything out on parchment and nobody had pens.

**James Potter:** but was i really good at everything?  
and were there wizard sports, and were they played on brooms?

**Lily Evans:** And Remus was a werewolf????  
So you and Sirius and Peter all turned into animals so you could keep him company at the full moon except it was illegal to do that without putting yourself on some sort of wizard animal register, so you were all, listen we're animals but don't make a big thing out of it.  
I don't know, the teacups were the primary focus, not your disgusting overabundance of talent.

**James Potter:** what animal was i and was i the best animal?

**Lily Evans:** You were a stag and Sirius was a dog and Peter was a rodent of some sort.  
So it depends on how you look at it, I suppose?

**James Potter:** of course i was the best i am magnificent  
wear your coat today btw

**Lily Evans:** Oh stop, the weather is fine.

**James Potter:** no it isn't

**Lily Evans:** Yes it is!

**James Potter:** bbc weather says expected lows of 5c

**Lily Evans:** That's t-shirt weather.

**James Potter: **87% chance of rain

**Lily Evans:** You're really going to trust the word of some meteorologists over mine?

**James Potter:** yes i am you psychopath  
put your bloody coat on or else

**Lily Evans:** Or else what?

**James Potter:** or else i will never  
ever  
ever  
propose to you again

**Lily Evans:** Oh my god, FINE.  
I am DO-ING-IT-NOW.

**James Potter:** THANK YOU!  
also

**Lily Evans:** Yes?

**James Potter:** will you marry me later?

**Lily Evans:** Sure.

**James Potter:** cool thx, see you at 5

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 16th October 2019, 11:16 a.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** so i have questions

**Lily Evans:** About what?

**James Potter:** wizard school

**Lily Evans:** I've already told you everything that was in my dream.

**James Potter:** how is that my problem?  
make stuff up

**Lily Evans:** Oh, right, because I've got nothing better to do.  
Shall I meet you at the door with a cocktail later, darling?  
Have your dinner on the table?  
Darn your socks for you, perhaps?

**James Potter:** calm down lady stepford, you'd have to know how to cook in the first place

**Lily Evans:** WOW.

**James Potter:** and why would i need my socks darned when i can buy new ones?

**Lily Evans:** INSULTING.

**James Potter:** i don't even know what it means to have your socks darned  
can't apologise for honesty, love  
all i'm trying to do is keep poisonings down to a minimum

**Lily Evans:** Soy sauce isn't poison.

**James Potter:** it doesn't taste good in a cupcake

**Lily Evans:** For the last time.  
The LAST time!!  
I thought.  
It was.  
Vanilla.  
You SHIT

**James Potter:** lol

**Lily Evans:** I rescind my acceptance of your proposal, jsyk.

**James Potter:** what about the other seven?

**Lily Evans:** I rescind all of my acceptances of all of your proposals.

**James Potter:** wow  
harsh  
heartbroken etc

**Lily Evans:** You deserve it.

**James Potter:** almost as harsh as those cupcakes

**Lily Evans:** YOU ARE SUCH A SHIT.

**James Potter:** if it helps  
what you lack in cookery skills you make up for in your ability to talk me into cooking for you

**Lily Evans:** Oh, like it's hard?

**James Potter:** i don't put my wok about for just anyone

**Lily Evans:** "Hey James, would you like an opportunity to show off?" is never an offer you'd turn down.

**James Potter:** i would if it was someone like helena asking

**Lily Evans:** Yeah, because you don't want to encourage the dangerous obsession.

**James Potter:** whereas i've been encouraging YOUR obsession for a full year, see?

**Lily Evans:** Helena should not be the yardstick against which I am measured, my god.  
And quite frankly James, if you're dragging her into this argument now, you've already lost, give up.

**James Potter:** you didn't deny that you're obsessed with me  
just pointing that out

**Lily Evans:** Hurr durr.

**James Potter:** there's a convincing counter-argument

**Lily Evans:** I'm in the middle of class!  
What were you expecting, a Powerpoint presentation?

**James Potter:** nothing like putting the work and time into a powerpoint presentation to prove you're not obsessed with someone

**Lily Evans:** Then hurr fucking durr, Gordon Ramsay.

**James Potter:** it's nice to have fans

**Lily Evans:** Get out.

*****

_October 2018_

"Where's your coat?" said James, incredulous, as her seat belt clicked into its buckle.

Lily was soaked and bedraggled and red-faced, wet hair clinging to her shoulders, nudging her bags aside with her feet to give her legs room to stretch, but that warranted eye contact and a frown. "Pardon?"

"You're not wearing a coat."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I left it at the cleaners, along with my seashell bra and my special occasion tail," she returned, and James snickered, which made her feel very warm in the face. "You're not going to kill me, are you?"

Now it was his turn to frown. "Excuse me?"

"I'm just saying, you've picked me up on the side of the road with nobody else about," Lily reminded him, gesturing to the rain-spattered window, "and I don't see any CCTV cameras nearby, so it seems pertinent to check that I'm not about to be chopped up into bits."

"You're asking me this _after_ you've climbed into my car?"

"Yes."

"Bit counterproductive, isn't it?"

"Well, it's not _my_ fault that it only occurred to me just this minute!" she protested. "I was too wet and cold out there to think straight!"

"Yeah, because you're not wearing a coat!"

"Oh, the bloody coat _again—"_

"I think the coat's a far more relevant topic than whether or not I'm a _murderer—"_

"So says the murderer."

"And here I thought we'd really bonded the other week."

"Oh, right, because no woman was ever murdered by a man with whom she'd bonded."

"If you're really that worried that I'll kill you," James suggested, handsomely affronted, "which you clearly _aren't,_ the way you're grinning, text your angry Scottish friend—"

"Her name is Mary."

"I know her name is—"

"Do you?"

_"Yes,_ I do," he said, with a stubborn, sulky air, and ran a hand through his hair, pushing it away from his face. One thick black strand flopped adorably over his forehead. "You're Lily, she's Mary and then there's..."

Lily could see the realisation steal across his face and how it morphed, untidily, into an effort to appear as if he hadn't forgotten her housemate's name—his gaze sliding away from hers, the puckered lips, the disinterested shrug—and it thrilled every nerve ending in her body to sit with him in this small, cosy space in the centre of a maelstrom, straining to absorb the warmth he radiated, and know that she alone was the one he had remembered.

She lifted a brow and felt powerful. "Yes?"

"Then there's the other one."

"The other one?"

"Benadryl."

"That's an antihistamine," she informed him, biting back a laugh.

"Well, I'm not good with names, okay?" James retorted, trying to sound irritated whilst valiantly holding back a laugh of his own. "If you're that worried that I'm going to kill you, text Mary and tell her that the really handsome bloke from across the hall is giving you a lift home. That way, if you _are_ killed, you'll—"

"Deflect suspicion away from you?"

His eyes widened in surprise. "Wow."

"I'm sorry," she offered, laughing.

"I think _you're_ the murderer in this car, Lily Evans," he accused, "insulting me like that, and right after I decided to give you a lift out of the goodness of my heart—"

"You basically handed me the weapon."

"Oh, so that makes it okay?"

"It's not like I _meant_ it."

"Doesn't matter, I ought to make you get out and walk home, just for that."

"But you won't, though, will you?"

"And let you catch your death in that little piece of nothing?"

"Cardigans are perfectly—"

"Cardigans are _not_ perfectly adequate in this weather," James cut in, as if he'd sensed her choice of words before they'd formed on the back of her tongue. He tugged at her sleeve near the elbow. "You should be wearing a coat."

"I didn't know it was going to rain when I left," she countered, and wanted to throw herself at him, "and I don't like wearing coats."

"Why not?"

"Because they're heavy and restrictive and I'm always warm all the time anyway, and they just make me warmer and then I get uncomfortable, so I'd rather not wear them."

"You don't seem particularly warm right now, gotta say."

"I _would_ warm up in a minute if you'd start the bloody car instead of sitting here arguing about coats."

He sent her a flat look, but Lily pressed her smile into submission and stared determinedly back, until eventually he nodded in acknowledgement of her victory and turned his key in the ignition.

"That's fine, if all I am to you is a taxi," he agreed, as the engine purred to life. He inched the car forwards, the windscreen wipers working furiously to bat away the rain. "No need to thank me."

"Of course I—"

"Thank you _so_ much for taking me home, James," he said, his voice lifted in a soft falsetto, "it was truly gallant of you to offer me assistance in my hour of need."

"Gallant!"

"Please," he continued, sounding normal again, "don't mention it. It was my pleasure to stage this heroic rescue. I do like to help out in the community when I can."

"Oh, _honestly—"_

"Why, just the other day I happened to be strolling past this burning orphanage, and—"

"Thank you _so_ much for taking me home, James," she cut in, firmly, loudly, and briefly touched her stiff, frozen fingers to his arm. His hoodie sleeve was soft and inviting. "It was truly gallant of you to offer me assistance in my hour of need, and I am forever in your debt."

"Hour of need?" he repeated, scoffing. "It's just a bit of rain, Evans, no need to be so dramatic."

But he sounded rather pleased with himself, and grinned at her in a way that made her flutter.

Lily turned her blushing face towards the window.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 16th October 2019, 1:43 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** i'm worried that i actually did offend you earlier by being a dick and to that end that you now in fact despise me, miss bennett  
(the miss bennett thing was meant to be cute and self-deprecating)  
(did it work? it's fine if it didn't i'm a swine, but did it?)

**Lily Evans:** No I was not offended you overzealous gobshite.  
If you ever offended me for real, you'd know all about it.

**James Potter:** because i'd crumble to ash on the spot if ever i dared slander your good name?

**Lily Evans:** I haven't cursed your damnable soul with my wily redheaded sorcery, James.  
And get out of here with that Mr. Darcy shit, you are SUCH a Bingley.

**James Potter:** now THAT is slander, young lady

**Lily Evans:** I however am a consummate Lizzie.

**James Potter:** so where does that leave us?!?!?!!!!  
because i am telling you now, lily evans, i am NOT marrying bloody petunia and seeing you packed off to sirius for the rest of your life like a ham sandwich

**Lily Evans:** A ham sandwich???

**James Potter: **i am so a darcy!  
in loads of ways!  
numerous ways!

**Lily Evans:** In what ways? Please name them.

**James Potter:** countless ways, even

**Lily Evans:** Go on, I'm waiting.

_James Potter is typing_

**Lily Evans:** Waiting patiently.

_James Potter is typing_

**Lily Evans:** Even one will do.

**James Potter:** i'm in possession of a good fortune

**Lily Evans:** And?

**James Potter:** and?  
i'm rich that's it, that was literally his personality

**Lily Evans:** AND YOU ACCUSE ME OF SLANDER?  
WHEN YOU JUST  
CASUAL AS YOU LIKE  
INSULT THE MAN OF MY DREAMS????

**James Potter:** he's not real, lily

**Lily Evans:** Why are you like this?

**James Potter:** i'm only trying to help

**Lily Evans:** I will downgrade you to Mr. Collins SO fast, I swear.

**James Potter:** colin firth is too old for you, really now

**Lily Evans:** And you could spend and spend and sit ringside at every WWE event there is until the day you die, but Becky Lynch will never acknowledge your existence.

**James Potter:** wow

**Lily Evans:** NEVER.

**James Potter:** i know my love is unrequited, thanks  
hence, i got a stand-in

**Lily Evans:** A STAND IN?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
REALLY, JAMES?

**James Potter:** same birthday  
same hair  
same homeland  
same steely death stare  
same unsurpassable gorgeousness  
are you SURE you aren't her, evans?  
because i honestly reckon you might be and if so i have a few stories to sell to the press about your sleep-talking habits

**Lily Evans:** Why yes, I only became a wrestling megastar to fund my real dream of listening to Duran Duran at two in the morning while I try to ignore the sound of Bea and Remus shagging like they're fulfilling the doomsday prophecy.  
It's a tough see-saw to balance, but I manage it somehow.

**James Potter:** i'm sure it helps that i cook all of your meals

**Lily Evans:** Shut UP you arsehole I love you.

**James Potter:** thanks bex, ilu2

*****

_October 2018_

The weather was bad for a few days until it wasn't, and the sun was buttery bright instead, floating serene as a dove among a small flock of pearly clouds, and Lily left her coat in her room when she made to leave the flat that morning.

She was nearly ready to head out, sipping a cup of tea by the sink and checking emails when her phone buzzed with a new message from a number she didn't know. It was a screenshot of the weather forecast; one dark grey cloud spitting two blue droplets, and a description: _Heavy rain and a moderate breeze._

Beneath that, another two messages popped up.

_remember your coat today, seashells._ _  
_ _this is james by the way :p x_

"What a prat," said Lily softly, and laughed.

She walked out of the flat with her coat on.

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: **Secret Santa

**Resumed on:** Tuesday 29th October 2019, 2:00 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

================================

**Peter Pettigrew:** Did we agree on a price limit for Secret Santa?

**Remus Lupin:** It's £15, I believe, but check with Beatrice.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Only I've already found the present I want to get for James.

**Lily Evans:** Oh my god

**Remus Lupin:** Peter...

**Lily Evans: **LMAO

**Mary Macdonald:** WTF Pettigrew you're not supposed to TELL us who you've got.

**Beatrice Booth:** The "secret" part of the assignment sailed right over your head, didn't it?

**Peter Pettigrew:** OH SHIT 

**James Potter:** wtf??????!

**Peter Pettigrew:** OMG OMG NO NO NO I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
I'M SO SORRY!!  
I DIDN'T MEAN TO  
IT JUST SLIPPED OUT!!

**Mary Macdonald:** Words are what slip out of your MOUTH.  
Not your fingers you fucking scrotum.

**James Potter:** why is this happening to me?

**Lily Evans:** Oi, can we not with the mud slinging?

**Peter Pettigrew:** I wasn't thinking!!!

**Lily Evans: **JFC Mary he made a mistake.

**Mary Macdonald:** A stupid mistake.

**Lily Evans:** Like accidentally calling your sonographer "Mum?"

**Mary Macdonald:** Oh, you can fuck right off, as if that's even remotely the same.

**Sirius Black:** LOL sonographer.

**Mary Macdonald:** FFS

**Sirius Black: **Macdonald's up the duff.

**Lily Evans:** Because that's suddenly the only reason to get an ultrasound?

**Beatrice Booth:** You know she had gallstones, Sirius.  
I was literally there when she told you about it.

**Sirius Black:** Old news, who's the father?

**Peter Pettigrew:** I'm so sorry Mary!!!!

**James Potter:** i'm really upset rn

**Sirius Black:** Wait, Peter's the father?  
Peter you cheating rat.  
Wait until Helena hears about this.

**Peter Pettigrew:** I never cheated!!!!!!

**James Potter: **i mean  
like  
i need support

**Mary Macdonald:** Be sorry all you want, it won't change anything.

**James Potter:** does nobody care that i am hurting?

**Lily Evans:** No.

**James Potter:** ??????

**Lily Evans:** Stop being dramatic, James.

**James Potter:** is this...divorce?

**Beatrice Booth: **What if Peter swaps with somebody else to make it secret again?  
That'll work, right?

**Lily Evans:** No, he'll just swap with Helena.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Wait what?!!  
What would be wrong with that?

**Lily Evans:** Because she's your girlfriend and she's the first person we'd all assume you'd swap with, therefore James would still know who had him?  
You might as well keep him yourself, in that case.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Oh right.

**Sirius Black:** For a second there I thought you were going to say that he can't swap with Helena because she's an evil noxious cow with no soul.  
But why would anyone say such a thing?

**Lily Evans:** **@Sirius Black** You're still here?

**Sirius Black:** Waiting for Macdonald to name me godfather.

**Lily Evans:** I personally wouldn't name you godfather to a plastic doll, let alone a real child.

**Peter Pettigrew:** But can I swap with someone if it will fix this???  
Someone who isn't Helena?  
**@Mary Macdonald **?????????????????

**Mary Macdonald:** Yes, fine.  
But you'll have to ask them yourself.  
I'm not your mother and I am so done with this bullshit.

**Peter Pettigrew:** I can swap with you **@Lily Evans** if you want??

**Mary Macdonald:** FFS

**Lily Evans:** In secret, Peter.

**Sirius Black:** Speaking of Hodge.  
Wasn't Booth supposed to add her into the chat?

**Beatrice Booth: **THIS HIT  
THAT ICE COLD

**Sirius Black:** I specifically remember Peter asking…

**Beatrice Booth: **MICHELLE PHEIFFER  
THAT WHITE GOLD  
THIS ONE FOR THEM HOOD GIRLS

**Mary Macdonald:** FFS Bea

**Beatrice Booth: **THEM GOOD GIRLS  
STRAIGHT MASTERPIECES

**Mary Macdonald: **No.

**Beatrice Booth:** STYLIN'  
WILIN'  
LIVIN' IT UP IN THE CITY  
GOT CHUCKS ON

**Sirius Black:** LOL

**Beatrice Booth: **WITH SAINT LAURENT  
GOTTA KISS MYSELF, I'M SO PRETTY

**Sirius Black:** Is this your way of changing the subject?

**Beatrice Booth:** I'M TOO HOT  
HOT DAMN

**Sirius Black:** This isn't hiding it.  
He can just scroll up and read the message.

**Beatrice Booth:** CALLED A POLICE AND A FIREMAN

**James Potter:** **@Remus Lupin** stop her please

**Beatrice Booth:** I'M TOO HOT  
HOT DAMN

**James Potter:** this is a sombre occasion  
and you're the only one she respects

**Lily Evans:** WOW.  
WOW.  
Okay, way to erase me.  
Divorce initiated.

**James Potter:** whatever, you can't stay away from this

**Lily Evans:** This what?

**James Potter:** booty

**Lily Evans:** Christ.  
  
**Beatrice Booth: **MAKE A DRAGON WANNA RETIRE MAN

**Remus Lupin:** What have I come back to?

**Beatrice Booth:** I'M TOO HOT  
HOT DAMN

**Remus Lupin:** Right.

**Beatrice Booth: **SAY MY NAME  
YOU KNOW WHO I AM

**Remus Lupin:** I'm...actually not quite sure how to stop this.

**Beatrice Booth:** I'M TOO HOT

**James Potter: **try harder ffs

**Lily Evans: **SATURDAY NIGHT AND WE IN THE SPOT

**Beatrice Booth:** HOT DAMN  
LILY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT LYRIC!!!!

**Mary Macdonald:** LOL

**Beatrice Booth:** You RUINED it omg and I was SO FAR IN!

**James Potter:** lmao

**Lily Evans:** For your own edification, Remus, that's the only way to stop it.

**Remus Lupin:** Ah.

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: **Boobysitters

**Resumed on:** Tuesday 29th October 2019, 2:19 p.m.

**Members: **Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Mary Macdonald

================================

**Mary Macdonald:** You sack of warty knobends.

**Lily Evans:** LOL

**Beatrice Booth:** Lol me or Lily?

**Mary Macdonald:** Both of you.  
How does Peter have James when I know for a fact that you two swapped him between you?

**Beatrice Booth:** Idk man I gave him to Sirius

**Mary Macdonald:** Why?

**Beatrice Booth:** Idk, he wanted him more than I did

**Mary Macdonald:** Obviously he fucking didn't, if Peter's got him.

**Lily Evans:** Sirius has an entrepreneurial spirit, Mary. 

**Mary Macdonald:** Sirius is an interrupted sneeze.

**Lily Evans:** What does that...mean?

**Mary Macdonald: **It means he's a bitch and why did I even bother arranging this when all of you traded up the second it was done?  
Total fucking waste of my time.

**Beatrice Booth:** LOLLLLL

**Lily Evans:** You have a cheek accusing me of trading up when I swapped James for the human manifestation of throwing up in your mouth when you bend over too fast.

**Mary Macdonald:** Nobody asked you to bend over.

**Beatrice Booth:** She'd bend over for James if he asked lololololol

**Lily Evans:** That's not the zinger you think it is, Miss I-clean-my-sex-toys-in-the-bloody-dishwasher.

**Beatrice Booth:** So what? I'm not ashamed  
I refuse to pleasure myself with a contraption that hasn't been thoroughly cleaned, sorry not sorry  
My health > your scruples

**Lily Evans:** You don't HAVE to clean them in the same machine we use to wash our plates.

**Beatrice Booth:** I never put them in WITH the dishes GAWD

**Lily Evans:** I truly regret taking Helena off your hands.

**Mary Macdonald:** At least you had a good reason to do it.  
Unlike everyone else, apparently.

**Beatrice Booth:** She did it because she loves me more than she loves James

**Mary Macdonald:** No, she did it because she already had his Christmas present planned.

**Beatrice Booth:** She told me that it was because she loved me more than James

**Lily Evans:** I literally never said that.

**Beatrice Booth: **Now I'm really offended

**Lily Evans:** You are not.

**Beatrice Booth:** Lol that's true IDC

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Tuesday 29th October 2019, 2:32 p.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, Mary Macdonald

================================

**Mary Macdonald:** Are you planning to explain why Lily gave James to Beatrice and she gave him to you but somehow Peter wound up getting him?

**Sirius Black:** The many vagaries of the exchange process are difficult to quantify.

**Mary Macdonald: **Sirius.

**Sirius Black:** What?

**Mary Macdonald:** I want an explanation.

**Sirius Black:** And you'll get one.  
But in order to fully explain this odd turn of events, we must first examine the Secret Santa exchange from an etymological perspective.  
Lexico.com, the online dictionary, defines "consumerism" in the following terms.  
1) The protection or promotion of the interests of consumers.  
2) The preoccupation of society with the acquisition of consumer goods (derogatory).  
I'll be focusing on the latter today.

**Mary Macdonald:** Keep spouting shite like that and you'll wind up in politics.

**Sirius Black:** You fucking take that back.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Tuesday 29th October 2019, 3:15 p.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** did you know that peter had me?

**Sirius Black:** Yeah.

**James Potter:** wtf how???!!  
how do you know all of this?  
do you know who everyone has???

**Sirius Black:** Pretty much, yeah.

**James Potter:** how?

**Sirius Black:** Details, details.  
Peter has your name because I gave it to him.

**James Potter:** what???!!!

**Sirius Black:** How else was I meant to get my name after I convinced Hodge to swap with you?

**James Potter:** so you got me in the exchange and you swapped me away???  
your brother in bond if not in blood?

**Sirius Black:** Yes.

**James Potter:** ?!??!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!

**Sirius Black:** It's not a big deal.

**James Potter:** not a big deal?  
you say not a big deal when i've been discarded by my own best friend like chicken feed?

**Sirius Black:** There's an entire world of waste at your disposal, but you went with chicken feed.  
That's your analogy of choice? Really?

**James Potter:** i am unloved  
i am unappreciated  
fending for myself in the wilderness

**Sirius Black:** Calm down, twat.

**James Potter:** no, it's fine  
don't pity me, i will not be pitied  
i may be alone but i am not without strength

**Sirius Black:** Go cry at Evans if you're so upset about it.  
She's the one who swapped you away to start with.

**James Potter:** i know exactly what this means, i see my value now  
wait  
what????

**Sirius Black:** Booth got Hodge and didn't want her.

**James Potter:** what

**Sirius Black:** Evans offered to swap you away instead.

**James Potter:** what

**Sirius Black:** So before you launch into another dramatic monologue about the many betrayals you've suffered at my hand, remember that your walking wet dream didn't want you either.

**James Potter: **WHAT?!?!?!?

*****

_October 2018_

"Well," said James, pausing on the threshold of his bedroom door, his dark brows lifting behind his glasses, "fancy seeing you here?"

"I didn't know you were home."

"Didn't know you were coming over."

"Neither did I until we left," said Lily, closing the bathroom door behind her and drawing herself up to full height. The sight of James had set her heart ringing like a bell, but she easily kept her composure. "Bea asked me to come and see a film with her so I assumed she meant at the cinema, not right across the hall."

"I think Remus likes her."

"I think she likes him back."

"What film has he got her watching?"

"Oh, some stupid horror flick. Not my thing at all."

"In their defence, it _is_ Halloween."

"Never mind Halloween." Lily leaned sideways and peered around James, her gaze caught by something more interesting than the consumerist bastardisation of an ancient pagan holiday. "Is that LEGO?"

He grabbed the handle of his bedroom door and slammed it shut. "Pardon?"

"Is that LEGO?" she repeated.

"Is what LEGO?"

"The LEGO in your room?"

James frowned. It was a poor attempt to appear confused. "No?"

"Do you think I won't think you're cool if you admit that you're into LEGO?"

"I'm _very_ cool, actually, so I don't—"

"Because the first time I met you, you were wearing a t-shirt with your name on it," Lily pointed out, poking him squarely in the centre of the chest, _"and_ you've got a picture of your cat's face stuck on your bathroom door—not that I _mind_ being sternly judged on the loo, or anything, but I already think you're uncool."

"Nothing wrong with wanting to feel at home while I'm doing my business."

"And your cat normally watches you do your business?"

"You've never had a cat, have you? It's kind of their thing," James explained, twisting his doorknob to the left. He swung his bedroom door open. "And I was never trying to hide the LEGO, ye of little faith. It's all the photos of you I'd printed for my shrine."

Lily bit back a laugh, taking in the entirely blank wall beside his unmade bed. "Is that so?"

"They're plastered all over the place, as you can see."

"I suppose I should be grateful that you left me out of the toilet," she remarked, feeling oddly removed from herself in that moment, as if she had floated out of her body and was hovering just below the ceiling, watching herself fall for this weirdo and powerless to stop it. "Thank you for that, at least."

"Well," said James, with an unconcerned shrug of his shoulders, "I hear it's rude to force a photo of a lady to watch you while you poo."

It was an unromantic statement.

Decidedly.

She fell suddenly, madly in love, all the same.


	5. November - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blame Anne with an E season 3 for the delay. More importantly, if Netflix don't rescind their cancellation of the greatest television show of all time I am firing my subscription into the moon. And that's me being UNdramatic.

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 6th November 2019, 6:09 a.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, James Potter

================================

**James Potter: **good morning starrrshinnneee  
the earth says helloooooooooo  
you twinkle above us, we twinkle belowwwww  
weird that it's good morning starshine and not sunshine  
where are these people living?  
anyway it's me  
james potter  
i wanted to remind you that you are a man of impeccable taste and moral fortitude  
you are my best friend  
no, my BROTHER now and always.  
and as my brother, we have an unbreakable bond that will stretch across the oceans and rainforests, outlasting the confines of our mortal bodies and travelling into the great beyond  
there's nothing i wouldn't do for you  
no mountain too high, no valley too low, no river too wide  
sirius  
sirius  
siriussssss  
anyway, totally unrelated point that just popped into my head now completely unprompted  
but since we're already talking, do you think you could ask about that whole secret santa thing today?  
i wouldn't ask, only you said you would and you forgot to do it  
like, the last eight times you said you'd do it, you forgot almost instantly  
not that i'm keeping count  
who would do that?  
sirius  
sirius  
sirius  
sirius black  
i don't want you to think i'm pressuring you  
like, if you have time and it occurs to you to do it, maybe ask booth  
and if she doesn't tell you, ask macdonald  
i don't want to draw attention to myself or anything  
i'm not that kind of person  
i'm really more of a suffer in silence type  
but with every day that goes by a little part of me dies inside and i'm pretty sure she's starting to notice  
but no pressure honestly  
also if you don't get these until after i leave it's your turn to clean the cappuccino machine remus has done it for you the last three times and he says he's sick of it and you can get food poisoning from a dirty steamer for all he cares  
love you!

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 6th November 2019, 8:05 a.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, James Potter

================================

**Sirius Black: **What the fuck is this?

**James Potter: **did you ask them?

**Sirius Black:** I just woke up.

**James Potter:** so can you ask now?

**Sirius Black:** Again.  
I JUST woke up.

**James Potter: **and some people are up and starting their day already!  
chop chop!

**Sirius Black: **And some people might see a problem in sending their mate 50 messages at six in the morning.

**James Potter:** i sent you 36, don't exaggerate

*****

_November 2018_

"But the thing about Bublé is that he _puts in the work—"_

"And she didn't?"

"Yeah, but he’s been consistent."

"You’re being very _in_sistent."

"You think you’ve got the monopoly on Christmas classics," James accused, and tossed a handful of LEGO bricks into the air. Some of them hit him in the face as they fell, but he didn't flinch. He'd taken off his glasses and placed them on the floor beside him. "But how many Christmas albums has Bublé put out? He's _committed_ to Christmas. Mariah gets all the glory for one bloody song, meanwhile he's always there in the background, working his heart out."

Lily snorted derisively. _"Please—"_

"And yeah, the whole 'Santa Buddy' thing was really stupid—"

"James—" 

"—but you can't just write him off, he's basically the Mike Mizanin of Christmas."

"Right, well, I don't know who that is—"

"He's a wrestler."

"Of course he's a wrestler, because god forbid you make any other reference, at any point in time, whatsoever," said Lily dryly, abandoning an attempted Google search for the apparent Michael Bublé of wrestling. She tossed her phone aside. "And stop throwing my LEGO around."

She was snuggled quite comfortably in her spot on James's bed while he lay on the floor, ostensibly to think up a project for them to work on. He claimed that the floor was where he got his best creative ideas, but Lily suspected that he was just being a gentleman, letting her have the bed to herself.

"You said I had free rein," he pointed out.

"Free rein to _build_ whatever you want."

"I did build something," said James, and flung another handful towards the ceiling. "Confetti."

Lily laughed—at the dumb joke, at the shit-eating grin on his pretty face, at her own foolishness in starting her university career with a headfirst dive into romantic turmoil—and shook her head. "I didn't dig this out of my mum's loft, cart it all the way to Edinburgh and bring it over here so you could lose pieces throwing it around."

"Oh, I know why you brought it over."

"Seems like you don't."

"You brought it over so you could spend more time with me."

"So you're delusional too. Good to know."

"Don't worry, I get it." This time, he tossed a solitary piece with one hand and caught it in the other. Even without his glasses, his reflexes were excellent. "Everybody wants more time with me."

She huffed her annoyance, but scrambled off the bed and picked a spot on the floor anyway, nudging his glasses and some stray bricks aside with her toe before she lay down beside him.

"Hullo," said James, and bumped her with his shoulder. He felt warm.

"Hello." She nudged him back. "Throw them again, I dare you."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Don't wanna hit you in the face."

"So can we build something instead, like we were _supposed_ to?"

"I _am_ building, see?" he retorted, and propped up his lie by grabbing a random handful of bricks and clicking a blue corner piece onto a white arch. "All according to plan."

"Your plan for what?"

"Can't ruin the surprise."

"You're full of it."

"You smell good."

"Shut _up."_

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 6th November 2019, 11:20 a.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth

================================

**Sirius Black: **Did Evans tell you why she swapped James for Hodge?

**Beatrice Booth:** Yes

**Sirius Black:** And?

**Beatrice Booth: **I'll tell you if you tell me what he's getting her for Christmas

**Sirius Black:** You've misjudged how much I actually need this information if you think I'm willing to barter for it.

**Beatrice Booth:** So why'd you ask?

**Sirius Black:** Bored.

**Beatrice Booth:** If you tell me what he's getting her, I'll give you the reason AND the contents of my purse, deal?

**Sirius Black:** Depends on what's in your purse.

**Beatrice Booth:** 63p in change and a Tesco clubcard voucher that expires next month  
Valued at a whopping £3.50

**Sirius Black:** What loyalty cards have you got?

**Beatrice Booth:** Cinema, Superdrug, Boots, Body Shop, Costa, River Island, Zara??

**Sirius Black:** Any points on the Costa card?

**Beatrice Booth:** Enough for one drink, probs  
Am willing to throw that in if you gimme the goods

**Sirius Black:** Fine.  
He's making her a comic book.

**Beatrice Booth:** OMFG seriously???!?!!!!!

**Sirius Black:** Yeah.

**Beatrice Booth: **Like, he's drawing her one from scratch???

**Sirius Black:** Yeah, he's been at it for weeks, thinks he's recreating The Lady of Shalott.

**Beatrice Booth:** I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS BUT WHAT'S IT ABOUT?????

**Sirius Black:** Idk, he won't show me.

**Beatrice Booth:** Oh my GoDDDDDDD463437DDDDD00000000!!!DDDDDD THAT'S SO EFFING CUTE I DIE  
THEY'RE IN LOVE  
WHAT A GOOD BOY  
WHAT A SWEET CINNAMON ROLL  
YOU TELL HIM THAT FROM ME  
YOU TELL HIM HE'S TOO GOOD AND PURE FOR THIS WORLD

**Sirius Black:** Tell him yourself, I'm not his fucking fangirl.  
Why did Evans swap him away?

**Beatrice Booth:** Oh that  
I have absolutely no idea

**Sirius Black:** Wtf

**Beatrice Booth:** She never told me, dumbass

**Sirius Black:** Blocked and reported.

**Beatrice Booth:** LOL

**Sirius Black:** Fuck you.

**Beatrice Booth: **Petty little bitch xox

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 6th November 2019, 11:32 a.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, Mary Macdonald

================================

**Sirius Black:** Did Evans tell you why she swapped James for Hodge?

**Mary Macdonald:** Of course she did.

**Sirius Black:** Tell me.

**Mary Macdonald:** No.

**Sirius Black:** Tell me.

**Mary Macdonald:** It's none of your business.

**Sirius Black:** Piss off and tell me.

**Mary Macdonald:** You piss off and tell it to your dick.

**Sirius Black:** You know I love it when you talk dirty.

**Mary Macdonald:** Munch on a donkey's bollocks, you shit-stirring worthless cockend.

**Sirius Black:** Stop, I'm not wearing protection.

**Mary Macdonald:** End of conversation.

**Sirius Black:** xoxoxo

*****

_November 2018_

The white arch and the blue corner piece that James put together at random quickly became a blue-and-white turret.

The turret became part of a much larger castle.

James claimed that it had been his plan all along, that he'd concocted the castle whilst lying on his back, hitting himself in the face with an assortment of coloured bricks.

Lily knew that he was lying. She didn't care. It was their downtime project now; she was having too much fun.

Also, she was in love with him.

Or...falling in love with him, at least. 

She was falling every time she passed him in the corridor, when he'd grin and say, "Alright, Evans?" Falling for all of the terrible, unprompted jokes (_what do you call a deer with no eyes because i have no eyed deer)_ that he saw inexplicably fit to send her in his texts. Falling for every cheesy quip, every boasting statement weakly disguised as a joke, every shared, knowing look or sudden burst of laughter.

Falling, with tremendous alacrity, and completely against her will.

It was a bloody nuisance.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 6th November 2019, 12:02 p.m.

**Members:** Sirius Black, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** did you ask?

**Sirius Black:** Can you let anything go?

**James Potter: **i just saw booth in the student union and she didn't look as if you asked

**Sirius Black: **How the fuck is she supposed to LOOK as if I asked?

**James Potter:** she'd sport a quizzical brow

**Sirius Black:** How has no one killed you?

**James Potter:** can you just ASK please so i can sleep at night?

**Sirius Black:** Already did.

_James Potter is typing_

**Sirius Black: **She hates you.

**James Potter:** what?

**Sirius Black:** Evans secretly hates you, that's why she swapped.

**James Potter:** that's not funny

**Sirius Black:** I'm serious.

**James Potter:** don't try to distract me with a stupid play on words  
you're lying. i know you're lying  
lily cares about me  
A LOT

**Sirius Black:** She did at first, but the way you creep on her is making her uncomfortable.

**James Potter: **liar

**Sirius Black:** Suit yourself, but I'm telling the truth.

**James Potter:** i've never crept on anyone! 

**Sirius Black: **She's running out of ways to hint that she's not interested.  
She must have guessed that Booth would tell me all of this so that I could tell you and she wouldn't have to have a direct conversation with you about it.  
If she did you'd definitely cry and nobody wants to see that.

**James Potter:** you're such a liar!!!!!!

**Sirius Black:** Just repeating what Booth told me.

**James Potter:** lily wouldn't say any of that!

**Sirius Black:** Not to your face.

**James Potter:** you're lying

**Sirius Black:** Am not.

**James Potter:** yes you fucking are!

**Sirius Black:** I'm sorry if you can't handle it, but I'd rather be truthful than kind.

**James Potter:** I DON'T BELIEVE YOU  
YOU ARE LYING  
I DON'T KNOW WHY  
I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYTHING BUT GOOD TO YOU  
I BOUGHT YOU A FUCKING VELVETISER DO YOU KNOW HOW POINTLESS THOSE THINGS ARE?  
YOU'VE USED IT, WHAT, ONE TIME?

**Sirius Black:** Whipping out your drama school all-caps isn't going to change anything.  
I'm sorry but this is just the way it is.  
Better you know now so you can move on with your life.

**James Potter: **and you couldn't say any of this to my face later instead of springing it on me while i'm innocently eating lunch?

**Sirius Black:** You've been harassing me for an answer all day.

**James Potter:** i got the GOOD hot counter chicken strips from morrisons that are always sold out and everything, sirius!  
this was SUPPOSED to be a good day!  
fuck

**Sirius Black:** lol

**James Potter: **she can't have said those things, she called me her best friend like yesterday  
fuck fuck fuck fuckdsoigjdofihfgojkfpogjkhgk  
what the FUCK sirius what am i supposed to do with this information???

**Sirius Black:** Idk, trade it for amnesty?

**James Potter:** fuckkkkkkkkkk  
this isn't funny

**Sirius Black:** Not true, it's hilarious.  
You fall for it every time.

_James Potter is typing_

**Sirius Black:** Idk why she swapped, she wouldn't tell Booth and Macdonald wouldn't snitch.

**James Potter:** YOU ARE SUCH A WANKER

**Sirius Black:** lol

**James Potter:** I HATE YOU

**Sirius Black:** lol

**James Potter:** IT'S NOT FUNNY SIRIUS

**Sirius Black:** lol shut up, you knew I was lying the whole time.

**James Potter:** I DID NOT

**Sirius Black:** Says a lot about your friendship that you were so quick to believe it.  
Something to ponder, perhaps?

**James Potter:** ...you're an outrageously terrible person

**Sirius Black:** Save me some chicken xo

*****

_November 2018_

"Tingles a bit."

"It's supposed to."

"The whole time?"

"Nah, just for a minute." Lily brushed her fingers along his jawline, smearing green goop to the centre of his chin. "Then it'll go kind of stiff as it dries."

"Then what do I do?"

"Sit in silence for fifteen minutes."

"Sounds impossible," said James, who was keeping his features almost comically still, "but worth it, I guess, if I'm left with a rosy, youthful glow."

"James—"

"No more lines and wrinkles."

"You're only eighteen years old, you clown."

"Yeah, but I wanna look twelve."

Lily started to laugh so hard, she accidentally poked him in the eye.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 6th November 2019, 8:09 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**Lily Evans: **Are you okay?

**James Potter:** yeah?

**Lily Evans: **Are you sure?

**James Potter:** positive, why?

**Lily Evans: **Idk, just had a weird feeling that something was up with you.

**James Potter:** what? why?  
who have you been talking to?

**Lily Evans: **LOL  
Calm down, Inspector Morse.  
It was just a weird feeling I had, like when someone walks over your grave and you shudder.

**James Potter:** or when you think about men who aren't me

**Lily Evans: **HAH!

**James Potter:** steve from stranger things and gilbert bricklayer don't count

**Lily Evans:** It's Gilbert Blythe, also how DARE you?

**James Potter:** he's not real

**Lily Evans: **The actor is real!

**James Potter:** and too young for you

**Lily Evans: **Ten months younger!

**James Potter:** you shouldn't know that!

**Lily Evans:** And Becky Lynch is 32, but that's somehow not a problem for you?  
What an appalling double standard.

**James Potter: **projecting desirable personalities onto actors just because they play characters you like is emotionally unhealthy and i will die on that hill

**Lily Evans:** I could successfully nestle a ski chalet amongst all the hills you're ready to die on.

**James Potter:** oh my god  
you can't ski properly on a HILL!  
mountains, evans!  
have you never gone skiing in zermatt?  
what are you, poor?  
are you telling me you've never even been to courchevel?  
i mean neither have i, you couldn't drag me to france by the hair  
but my mum says it's very very good

**Lily Evans:** Your parents only bought that chalet so they could have one place in the world where you could never find them.

**James Potter:** you go straight for the jugular, don't you?

**Lily Evans:** And "what are you, poor?" was light banter?

**James Potter:** context, evans

**Lily Evans:** What's that supposed to mean?

**James Potter:** idk i'm stalling

**Lily Evans:** Thanks for calling me poor.

**James Potter:** thanks for not loving me as much as you love godfrey bumbershoot

**Lily Evans:** You'd understand the appeal if you'd just watch it with me like I asked.

**James Potter:** what, so i can get lost in his eyes too?  
i've seen your gifsets lily?  
and your bloody phone background  
which by the way USED to be a photo of us aka YOU AND ME  
now it's gifset bandit  
i already know he's dreamy, so no thank you  
i know my rights

**Lily Evans:** Fine, if you're cool with having terrible taste all your life.

**James Potter:** fine, if you'd rather look at gunther beanbags than at me  
bilbert glythe  
gary barbados

**Lily Evans:** There's no reasoning with you in this mood.

**James Potter:** i'm not in a mood

**Lily Evans:** Aren't you?

**James Potter:** no i'm not  
whoever you've been talking to is lying

**Lily Evans:** I've been talking to you, so that tracks.

**James Potter:** ouch

**Lily Evans:** If the shoe fits...

**James Potter:** immediately beat him to death with it?

**Lily Evans:** WOW

*****

_December 2018_

"You're drunk."

"M'not, you're lying."

Lily shifted her greasy takeaway bag from one hand to the other. "Babe, you're trashed."

"Perfectly sober."

"Tell that to the Uber driv—"

"Don't talk about the Uber driver," James murmured, as petulant as a spoiled toddler. "Tried to make me feel thick."

"He did not, he just—"

"He did."

"He couldn't understand you." Lily only had to shove him lightly and he slumped against the corridor wall, his face screwed up in concentration, glasses smudged, hair more unruly than usual. "Unsurprisingly, since he doesn't speak troll. Where are your keys?"

"In my—"

"Nevermind," she said, and stuck her free hand into the front pocket of his jeans. His thigh felt warm beneath the fabric. "Got them."

James watched her pull his door keys from his pocket with a lazy interest. "Feeling me up, are you?"

"You betcha, hot stuff."

"If you wanna have your way with me—"

"Hah!"

"—y'can just ask," he finished.

"Can I now?"

"I'll take it under advisement."

"You think I'd ask you for sex while you're _this_ drunk?" His key turned easily in the lock, so Lily pushed his flat door inwards and fixed him with a flat, implacable stare. "You wouldn't know what to do with it."

"Yeah I would," he said, scowling. "Put it in and out."

"And shake it all about?"

"That's the chicken dance."

Lily snorted. "It's the Hokey Pokey, you child. Get in and go to bed."

"Who died and made you my boss?"

"Your senses, after the fifth sambuca."

"M'sense's fine, I'm Spider-Man," he murmured, toeing the carpeted hallway floor with his trainer. "Oi, Evans?"

"Hmm?"

"Will you marry me?"

"Sure."

He lifted his gaze from his feet to meet hers, his face lighting up in a wide, goofy grin; one that seemed almost childlike in its unrestrained pleasure. "Really?"

"Yeah, why not?" said Lily, smiling up at him, her hand landing steadily on his arm to quell his swaying. "We'll do it tomorrow, okay? Sometime after lunch, though. I've got a busy morning."

"After lunch." His nose scrunched up as he considered this. "I got some tutorial then, I think?"

"At two."

"After that?"

"Not a peep."

"So we'll do it at three," he said, surprisingly firm.

"Alright, then. It's a deal." She pressed the paper bag against his stomach for him to take. "Eat that and go to bed right after, okay?"

"Mmkay," he said, and gripped the bag with both hands. It took him a moment or two, delayed by the jellylike lethargy of his drunken limbs, but at the very least he was standing on his own two feet without much difficulty. "Night, Evans."

"Night, Potter," she echoed back, and he pressed his lips to the crown of her head before stumbling into his flat.


	6. November - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I asked Tumblr if anyone would be mad at me for updating a Christmas fic in March and the general consensus was that people are fine with it, and with most of the world in lockdown or quarantine, does the passage of time really MEAN anything right now? I think not. Let's crack out those Christmas playlists.

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Thursday 7th November 2019, 10:24 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** do you want a velvetiser?

**Lily Evans:** What?

**James Potter:** i need to punish someone for a major infraction by taking their velvetiser away  
long story  
do you want it?

**Lily Evans:** What's a velvetiser?

**James Potter:** it makes velvety smooth hot chocolate, you can only buy them in hotel chocolat  
smooth seems like a word that should have an e at the end  
smoothe  
smootheeeeeeeeee

**Lily Evans:** You can't punish Sirius by taking away his possessions.

**James Potter:** why not?  
smootheeeeeeeee

**Lily Evans: **It's theft.  
Stop saying smoothe.

**James Potter:** what if i bought it for him in the first place?

**Lily Evans:** That's not how gifts work.  
You can't just take them away when the recipient wrongs you.  
OH  
SPEAKING OF GIFTS

**James Potter:** ???????  
yes????  
yes what?

_Lily Evans is typing_

**James Potter:** ????????  
what?

**Lily Evans:** Is there anything you need bringing over on Friday?  
Extra drinks or anything?  
Mary and I are headed to Tesco tomorrow so I thought I'd ask.

**James Potter: **we don't need extra drinks

**Lily Evans:** Are you sure?  
I can't see any conceivable scenario in which Sirius doesn't consume his weight in whiskey at his own birthday party, so buying extra booze seems like a solid idea to me.

**James Potter:** you shouldn't have to spend your money on sirius, he's the worst and i'm taking his velvetiser away for crimes committed against me and also you have your secret santa to budget for

**Lily Evans:** Lol what?

**James Potter:** what???

**Lily Evans:** That's such a random thing to bring up.

**James Potter:** no it isn't

**Lily Evans:** I have food and living expenses to budget for, but you're concerned about my Secret Santa?

**James Potter:** it's an extraneous item on your budget and extraneous items can stack up until they are enormously costly and suddenly you're being carted away

**Lily Evans:** What?

**James Potter:** like poor old mr micawber

**Lily Evans:** …… 

**James Potter:** annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six  
result happiness  
annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six  
result misery  
basic maths

**Lily Evans:** Okaaaaaaaaay  
I know you're the heir to a haircare empire and therefore not exactly inhabiting the same planet as the rest of us, but the ten quid I spent on my Secret Santa present is not going to land me in debtors' prison.

**James Potter:** you bought it already?

**Lily Evans:** I like to be organised.

**James Potter:** who'd you get?

**Lily Evans:** Why, who did you get?

**James Potter:** why is that up for discussion?

**Lily Evans:** What's going on with you lately?

**James Potter:** nothing

**Lily Evans:** You're being weird.

**James Potter:** i'm being eccentric  
heirlike

**Lily Evans:** That's not a word.

**James Potter:** it most certainly is a word  
a word that i am inventing  
heirs are normally eccentric, i'm just leaning into it  
heirlike  
thinking of buying a model train set that i can ride on  
eccentric men always have large moving model train sets and vast caverns of wealth that they, having discovered altruism in their old age, begin to invest poorly, leaving their middle-aged sons in turmoil as they scramble to save the family business

**Lily Evans:** At this point I'm not sure what novel you're referencing.

**James Potter:** at this point i think i'm referencing an episode of frasier

**Lily Evans:** LOL

**James Potter: **in any case i clearly need a son to torment with my mental decline  
fancy it?

**Lily Evans:** Fancy what? 

**James Potter:** bearing my child

**Lily Evans:** Oh, well if that's all.

**James Potter:** it's not too much to ask

**Lily Evans:** Dropping out of uni after two years to have a child was my EXACT dream, how did you know?

**James Potter:** who says you'd have to drop out?  
why can't i drop out?  
house husband that shit  
i do all of the cooking anyway

**Lily Evans:** What about the washing up?  
And the laundry?  
And the hoovering? Tidying up?

**James Potter:** idk remus does all of that

**Lily Evans:** We can't take Remus with us when we have a baby.

**James Potter:** then i'll learn to do it, nbd

**Lily Evans:** Also, assuming we got pregnant NOW, we'd have the baby in the middle of summer.

**James Potter:** and?

**Lily Evans:** And, I'd have to be nine months pregnant in the middle of the sweltering July heat.  
Also, more importantly, I don't think I'd be able to leave my child to return to uni five days a week when he was only a few weeks old.  
I'd be miserable, going back would be pointless. I'd fail out of everything and have to leave in disgrace.

**James Potter:** so you defer for a year  
go back refreshed, graduate with honours, introduce me to your colleagues at fancy work functions and hand me random banknotes so I can go buy myself something special  
i am a BORN trophy husband, evans, you know this

**Lily Evans:** I do. I really do. You're so pretty.  
But I can't make a baby right now, I've got indigestion.

**James Potter:** what noooooooo  
(that you have indigestion not the other thing i'm not a scoundrel)  
(although)

**Lily Evans:** LOL

**James Potter:** do you have anything to take for it?

**Lily Evans:** I thought I did, but someone took the last two and left the empty box in the medicine cabinet.

**James Potter:** VILLAINS

**Lily Evans:** I knowwwww

**James Potter:** hang on i think sirius has antacids  
i can nick some and bring them over if you want?

**Lily Evans:** Would that be okay?

**James Potter:** course it is  
be there in a mo

**Lily Evans:** Damn, now I do want to bear your child.

**James Potter:** aphrodisiac antacids

**Lily Evans:** Clearly.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Tuesday 12th November 2019, 6:55 p.m.

**Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** i'm losing my mind remus

**Remus Lupin:** Aren't you home?  
You can't come out of your room and talk to me face to face?

**James Potter:** can't  
showering

**Remus Lupin:** Why are you texting in the shower?

**James Potter:** it's where i go to think and also to bathe

**Remus Lupin:** I would hope so.

**James Potter:** it's fine, i'm barely in the water

**Remus Lupin:** So you're wasting natural resources for the sake of a good ponder?

**James Potter:** never mind my negative 50,000 good place points  
i am distraught  
i might actually be getting grey hairs  
i mean of course i'm not, my hair will be jet black forever like my mum's

**Remus Lupin: **James, you do know WHY your mother's hair is still completely black at sixty, right?

**James Potter:** because of genetics

**Remus Lupin:** ……  
You know what?  
You've been told that for a reason, so I'm just going to let you keep believing it.

**James Potter:** but i'm still distraught

**Remus Lupin:** Why?

**James Potter:** because lily won't confess!!!!

**Remus Lupin:** What?

**James Potter: **she won't tell me why she swapped me for hodge!  
or that she swapped in the first place!  
every time i mention secret santa she changes the subject or says that we're not supposed to discuss it  
doesn't that seem SKETCHY to you?

**Remus Lupin:** No, because we're not supposed to discuss it.

**James Potter:** ffs she got to you too  
i can't stop thinking about it

**Remus Lupin:** Think about something else.

**James Potter:** i CAN'T

**Remus Lupin:** You can. You're choosing to dwell on it.  
There's a perfectly innocent explanation for all of this, but you don't want to accept it.

**James Potter:** how can you be so sure?

**Remus Lupin:** Because I'm thinking rationally.

**James Potter:** i mean you're right  
there are innocent explanations  
like maybe hodge forced her into it  
held her at gunpoint  
and lily was like "no! i must buy a present for james, who i value more than my own parents and also find deeply attractive!" but hodge pointed the barrel at her nose and threatened to end her young life if she did not comply 

**Remus Lupin:** What are you supposing Helena's motivation would be in this scenario?

**James Potter:** jealous because lily is prettier  
and smarter  
and everyone likes her better  
and she's more beautiful

**Remus Lupin:** And you think Helena would choose to vent her jealousy by forcing Lily to buy her a £15 gift?

**James Potter:** that's the REASON it's so diabolical, remus, because nobody would EXPECT it to happen

**Remus Lupin:** And how would Helena have known that Beatrice got her and Lily got you in the Secret Santa?

**James Potter:** hacked mary's email

**Remus Lupin:** Helena once told Peter that her internet access had been revoked because the embedded Google search bar was removed from the school's website.  
Call me naive, but it's unlikely that she's been a master hacker all this time.

**James Potter:** why can't you just let me think what i want to think  
goddamn it remus  
you should join the debate society

**Remus Lupin:** I'm vice-president of debate soc.

**James Potter:** wtf??????  
since when?!

**Remus Lupin:** Where do you think I'm going every Monday evening?

**James Potter:** idk you never said anything!

**Remus Lupin:** I tell you where I'm going every week.  
Without fail.

**James Potter:** yeah but i thought you meant that you were off to debate with yourself

**Remus Lupin:** What?

**James Potter:** like, that you were off to ponder life's mysteries

**Remus Lupin:** Ponder where?

**James Potter:** in private  
in your thinking spot

**Remus Lupin:** Where's that supposed to be?

**James Potter:** idk man, that's your business

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Saturday 16th November 2019, 10:39 a.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**Lily Evans:** What's going on with you lately?

**James Potter:** i'm watching saturday kitchen

**Lily Evans:** I don't mean "what's going on right at this moment," I mean what's going on with you LATELY?  
In a broader emotional sense.

**James Potter:** ....i'm watching saturday kitchen  
richard bainbridge is making spelt-battered pollock with satay sauce and pickled cucumber  
riveting stuff

**Lily Evans:** Lately, James?  
You've been watching Saturday Kitchen for the past few weeks?  
Just existing in a general state of watching Saturday Kitchen?

**James Potter:** how do you think i became such a good cook?

**Lily Evans:** Your chef mother had nothing to do with it?

**James Potter:** she did not and that's the story we're sticking to  
she already takes too much credit for my beauty

**Lily Evans:** As opposed to all the people whose genetics you didn't inherit?

**James Potter:** i am HALF my father, you know

**Lily Evans:** I've met your parents.  
You are 70% your mother, 10% your father and 20% wacky waving inflatable tube man.

**James Potter:** you keep making that comparison yet i fail to see the resemblance

**Lily Evans:** It's an accurate comparison.  
Even your father agrees.

**James Potter:** i am 10% my father, what does he know?

**Lily Evans:** LOL  
Are you sure you're okay, though? I've been worried.

**James Potter:** happy as a pig in poo

**Lily Evans: **And you're sure?

**James Potter:** very very very very sure

**Lily Evans: **Can I come over and watch Saturday Kitchen with you?

**James Potter:** yes obviously

**Lily Evans:** Cool, be over in five.

**James Potter:** pick up a spelt-battered pollock with satay sauce and pickled cucumber on the way, would you?  
am hungry but don't fancy cooking

**Lily Evans: **I can offer you half a strawberry Pop Tart OR a tin of Spam OR leftover chilli from two nights ago?

**James Potter:** …………………

**Lily Evans:** I'm a treacherous disgrace, aren't I?

**James Potter:** yes

**Lily Evans: **I should throw it all directly in the bin, shouldn't?

**James Potter:** yes

**Lily Evans: **Due to my numerous culinary failings/suggestions which have affronted your very soul, you are now, in fact, cooking breakfast, aren't you?

**James Potter:** bacon and pancakes work for you?

**Lily Evans:** <3333333

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Tuesday 26th November 2019, 10:01 a.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**Lily Evans:** Hey, I'm really sorry but I don't think I can make it out tonight.

**James Potter:** is everything okay?

**Lily Evans:** Yeah, everything's fine, but I think I'm coming down with something.  
I've got a terrible headache and my nose is all stuffed up and I think my glands are swollen AND Netflix cancelled Anne with an E so overall I just feel really awful and upset and disgusting and I don't think I'd be good company.

**James Potter:** oh  
yeah, going out doesn't seem like a good idea in that case

**Lily Evans:** And I'm just really pissed off and upset because they made the announcement on their Instagram account YESTERDAY.

**James Potter:** who made what?

**Lily Evans: **A matter of HOURS after the season 3 finale aired in Canada.

**James Potter:** oh, right

**Lily Evans:** I'm devastated. I'm genuinely devastated.  
I CRIED. I actually cried.  
It's my favourite show and I was so happy about the finale yesterday morning and now it's just...gone?  
And they announced it in such a flippant way, too, like they weren't fucking GUTTING their fans mere HOURS after the finale and when Netflix hasn't even aired the season yet???!  
Make it make sense because I can't.

**James Potter:** that sucks  
i know how much you love it, i'm so sorry

**Lily Evans:** Anne had JUST started college and she and Gilbert had JUST gotten together after hiding how they felt about each other for YEARS!!!!!  
We finally had the chance to see them be an actual proper couple, but now that's just been taken away from us!  
I swear this is probably WHY I feel sick.  
Fucking Netflix. Fucking CBC.

**James Potter:** is there anything i can do to make you feel better?  
do you want me to come over later instead?  
we can do takeaway and a movie if you can't do the real thing

**Lily Evans:** That's such a lovely offer, but you don't need to do that.

**James Potter:** i want to, hence i'm offering

**Lily Evans:** I know, and honestly I'm really grateful, but I don't want those tickets to go to waste and I definitely don't want you to catch whatever I've got.

**James Potter:** ah, okay

**Lily Evans:** Take Sirius instead, yeah?  
He was so pissed when you didn't buy him a ticket, he'll drop whatever he's doing to go with you.

**James Potter:** yeah  
i suppose  
okay  
feel better x

**Lily Evans:** Thank you x

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Tuesday 26th November 2019, 10:12 a.m.

**Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** it's starting

**Remus Lupin:** What's starting?

**James Potter:** lily  
we were meant to have a date later and she just cancelled on me

**Remus Lupin:** An actual date???

**James Potter:** well no  
like a friend date  
we joke and we call it a date even though it isn't really  
we had tickets to this open mic comedy thing and we were going to go to dinner before that and now she's cancelled and honestly she seems more upset about netflix cancelling golfball bulbasaur than she is about us

**Remus Lupin:** Golfball bulbasaur?

**James Potter:** you don't know him

**Remus Lupin:** Why'd she cancel?

**James Potter:** she says she's sick

**Remus Lupin:** That sounds like a perfectly good reason to cancel a date.

**James Potter:** except she was fine when i saw her yesterday morning!

**Remus Lupin:** People are generally fine before they aren't.

**James Potter:** yeah but when i offered to come around and spend the evening with her instead of taking her out she said no  
i ALWAYS come over and hang out when she doesn't feel well  
but she said she doesn't want me catching what she's got

**Remus Lupin:** It sounds like she doesn't want you catching what she's got.

**James Potter:** for the first time ever?

**Remus Lupin:** Doesn't she normally get migraines?

**James Potter:** and?

**Remus Lupin:** Migraines aren't contagious.

**James Potter:** and?

**Remus Lupin: **Other illnesses are?  
Is this about the Secret Santa exchange again?

**James Potter:** no

**Remus Lupin:** ????

**James Potter:** i mean, it's not NOT about it

**Remus Lupin: **Look, mate, I know you love her and I know that comes with a lot of uncertainty and even paranoia, but the way you are handling this one small thing—that probably has a reasonable explanation—is beyond an overreaction at this point. It's obsessive, it's unhealthy, and quite frankly it's driving me and Sirius up the wall.  
You know that Lily cares about you, you know that you're important to her, so either you put this out of your mind and accept that she didn't swap with Beatrice to push you out of your life, or you ask her what she meant by it outright.

**James Potter:** so what's your point here?

**Remus Lupin:** One day, James, someone's going to punch you right in the face, and I won't do a thing to stop it.

**James Potter:** lily's already punched me right in the heart

**Remus Lupin:** I'm turning off my phone right now.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Tuesday 26th November 2019, 2:15 p.m.

**Members:** Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans

================================

**Beatrice Booth:** How are you feeling?

**Lily Evans:** Really shitty.

**Beatrice Booth:** I'm sorry bb <333

**Lily Evans:** Had to cancel on James.

**Beatrice Booth:** Aww my puddin!!!! <3  
And you were so looking forward to it!

**Lily Evans:** I haven't had a proper night out with him in forever so NATURALLY of course I'm bloody sick.

**Beatrice Booth:** I'm sure he didn't mind that you cancelled

**Lily Evans:** I dunno.  
He's been really weird with me lately.

**Beatrice Booth:** What do you mean?

**Lily Evans:** It's like he's not fully comfortable talking to me or something.  
Like, most of the time he'll be fine and then he'll get all taciturn and awkward.  
I feel like I've done something to upset him, but every time I ask he says he's fine and changes the subject.

**Beatrice Booth: **That...doesn't sound like him at all

**Lily Evans: **I KNOW  
He's normally so OPEN about everything, even when he knows he's being ridiculous.

**Beatrice Booth:** If he is upset, I'm sure it's nothing that you've done  
You're like his favourite ever person  
He's probably worried about something at home that he's not allowed to talk about

**Lily Evans:** You're probably right, but URGH.  
I hate not knowing  
Being in love is THE WORST and I give it zero stars out of five on Trip Advisor.

**Beatrice Booth:** LOL babe  
Want me to get you chicken soup and ginger tea on my way home?

**Lily Evans:** That would be really nice.

**Beatrice Booth:** Love you angel x

**Lily Evans:** Love you too x

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: **group chat

**Created by:** Sirius Black, on Saturday 30th November 2019, 2:23 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald

================================

**Sirius Black: **Get Evans under control, for fuck's sake.

**Mary Macdonald:** Excuse me, what?

**Beatrice Booth:** wtffffffffffffff??????

**Sirius Black:** You heard me.

**Mary Macdonald:** I've heard Peter recite his poetry too, and that made no fucking sense either.

**Beatrice Booth:** Wtf did Lily ever do to you???  
I can't believe you would say this to us when she's in the living room learning to crochet right now  
CROCHET, Sirius  
She's making a washcloth for her mother  
Crochet is LITERALLY the most innocent hobby on earth 

**Remus Lupin:** The MOST innocent?

**Beatrice Booth:** Yes

**Remus Lupin: **What about stamp collecting?

**Beatrice Booth:** Hoarding currency

**Remus Lupin:** Breadmaking?

**Beatrice Booth:** People have to eat your shitty soggy lumpy wet bread and pretend they like it

**Remus Lupin:** Birdwatching?

**Beatrice Booth:** Bird watchers are all devious pricks, Remus

**Remus Lupin:** ???

**Beatrice Booth: **As you WELL know

**Remus Lupin:** Sometimes you are so like James it's uncanny.

**Sirius Black:** James is doing his nut in trying to figure out why Lily swapped him for Hodge, so whatever fucked up game she's playing with him, one or both of you need to make her stop because I'm sick of listening to him whinge about it all fucking day long.  
What the fuck was she thinking swapping for Hodge in the first place?  
She doesn't even like her.

**Mary Macdonald:** Wait, is this that Secret Santa bullshit AGAIN?

**Beatrice Booth:** LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL

**Mary Macdonald: **Christ Alfuckingmighty.

**Beatrice Booth: @Sirius Black **Have you seriously just set up a chat group for the purposes of gossiping about our friends' love lives?

**Mary Macdonald:** OMG  
HE HAS  
Sirius, you clucky old hen!

**Sirius Black: **I'm not fucking gossiping.  
I'm trying to spare myself the headache.

**Beatrice Booth:** U totes gossiping tho

**Mary Macdonald:** 100% gossiping.  
Read any National Inquirer lately?

**Beatrice Booth:** How are Kim and Kanye doing?

**Mary Macdonald:** Where has she been?

**Beatrice Booth: **SERENA

**Mary Macdonald: **And who am I?

**Beatrice Booth:** That's one secret I'll never tell.

**Mary Macdonald:** You know you love me

**Sirius Black:** I have no fucking idea what you're talking about, but suit yourselves.

**Beatrice Booth:** XOXO

**Mary Macdonald:** If we'd known you were so into gossip we'd have invited you over for a sesh because that's probably what you think women do in their free time.

**Beatrice Booth:** We'll supply the facemasks, you bring the chardonnay and ice cubes

**Mary Macdonald:** Don't forget your yoga pants.

**Beatrice Booth:** Real Housewives marathon ayyyyyyyy

** _Mary Macdonald changed the subject to "Gryffy Gossip Gals"_ **

**Beatrice Booth:** OMG even the CHAT NAME he came up with  
"group chat"

**Mary Macdonald:** Such DELIBERATE apathy.

**Beatrice Booth:** "No caps because IDGAF"

**Mary Macdonald:** Because everyone has to THINK he doesn't give a fuck, when in fact he gives INFINITE fucks.  
Specifically about James and his love life.

**Remus Lupin:** What I love most about this assessment is the accuracy.

**Sirius Black:** Et tu, you fucker?

**Remus Lupin:** Et me.

**Mary Macdonald:** Listen, Perez, you don't need to worry about Lily.  
Nobody's playing any games. She and James will be fine.

**Sirius Black:** How do you reckon that?

**Mary Macdonald:** I'm not giving you details, that's her private business.

**Sirius Black:** Then how do I know they'll be fine?

**Mary Macdonald:** Just trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

**Sirius Black:** The problem is that I DON'T trust you.

**Mary Macdonald:** How very like a gossip to distrust his friends

**Sirius Black:** James is my friend, you two can fucking sing for it.

**Beatrice Booth:** James is your friend, yet here you are...gossiping about him?

**Sirius Black:** Wasn't gossiping.

**Beatrice Booth:** Sorry, meant to say you were talking about him behind his back.

_Sirius Black is typing_

**Remus Lupin: **By the way, I'm stopping in at the Codfather on my way home later. Fancy anything?

**Sirius Black:** Get me a chippy munch box.

**Remus Lupin:** I was talking to Beatrice.

**Sirius Black:** Then you're not my friend either.

**Remus Lupin:** Et me.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Saturday 30th November 2019, 2:31 p.m.

**Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

================================

**Remus Lupin:** Bird watching: innocent hobby or the preferred pastime of devious pricks? 

**James Potter: **devious pricks obvs

**Remus Lupin:** Uncanny.

**James Potter:** what's uncanny?  
what?  
what?  
what's uncanny tell me????  
remus  
REMUS

**Remus Lupin: **Doesn't matter.

**James Potter:** what doesn't matter???  
remus  
remus remus remus remus remus  
reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemusssss  
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Saturday 30th November 2019, 2:42 p.m.

**Members:** Beatrice Booth, Mary Macdonald

================================

**Beatrice Booth: **Where are you?

**Mary Macdonald:** With whatshisface.

**Beatrice Booth: **YUCK

**Mary Macdonald:** I KNOW

**Beatrice Booth:** DUMP HIM

**Mary Macdonald:** OKAY

**Beatrice Booth: **You ALWAYS say you'll dump him but you never do

**Mary Macdonald:** I knowwwwwwwwwwwww, but he's really good at sex.

**Beatrice Booth: **Spend £40 on Ann Summers and you'll get a cute pink toy that does the same job with less hassle  
Are you coming back later?

**Mary Macdonald:** God yes, I'm not staying here to fucking snuggle.

**Beatrice Booth: **So should we tell Lily about James losing his shit over the exchange when you get back?

**Mary Macdonald:** No, she'll only panic and tell him about his real Christmas present, and she's so excited about surprising him.  
James is a grown ass man, he can handle waiting for another few weeks.

**Beatrice Booth: **LOL have you MET James?

**Mary Macdonald:** Yes, and I love him to bits, but he's a massive baby and hopefully this will teach him a lesson about overreacting to shit that means nothing.  
You don't think he could stand to learn patience for once in his life?

**Beatrice Booth: **I'm too impatient to say yes and not be a hypocrite  
Still think we should tell her though

**Mary Macdonald:** She wants to give him his gift as a nice surprise, not hand it over in a rush to placate him.  
Why should we ruin her lovely plans for his sake?

**Beatrice Booth: **It's not in my nature to NOT interfere, Mary  
Unlike you or Sirius, I actually have a heart

**Mary Macdonald:** My heart is THERE, I just don't use it.

**Beatrice Booth: **Question**  
**If I have the heart and you have the brain  
Does that mean Lily has courage?

**Mary Macdonald:** Yeah, that checks out.

**Beatrice Booth: **No wait**  
**Lily is Dorothy  
James is Toto

**Mary Macdonald: **LMFAO

**Beatrice Booth:** Remus is the good witch and Sirius is the wicked witch

**Mary Macdonald:** Nah, Sirius is one of those fucking flying monkeys.

**Beatrice Booth:** LOLLLLLLLLLLLL  
Peter = cowardly lion?

**Mary Macdonald:** Wicked Witch = Helena.

**Beatrice Booth:** Omg that's so ACCURATE she's after Dorothy and everything  
But wouldn't that make James the ruby slippers?

**Mary Macdonald:** If James had to be a pair of shoes, he'd WANT to be those shoes.  
OMG

**Beatrice Booth:** What?

**Mary Macdonald: **Just thought of something.  
Hang on a second.

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: **Gryffy Gossip Gals

**Resumed on:** Saturday 30th November 2019, 2:50 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald

================================

**Mary Macdonald: **WAIT JUST A FAIR FUCKING MINUTE  
YOU SHIT MUNCHING TESTICLE  
YOU VEINY DICK  
YOU FLACCID NOB  
YOU WRINKLED CUMSACK

**Beatrice Booth:** I guess Mary settled on a theme without me.

**Mary Macdonald:** YOU BIG GREEN OOZING SPOT ON THE CHIN OF HUMANITY

**Beatrice Booth:** Ooh, she's diversifying

**Remus Lupin:** Which of us is the testicle?

**Mary Macdonald:** How does James even KNOW that Lily got him and swapped him away in the first place????

**Beatrice Booth:** Never you Glinda x

**Remus Lupin:** Glinda???

**Beatrice Booth:** OH  
OH  
OH  
OH MY GOD  
SIRIUS????

**Mary Macdonald:** YOU'RE THE ONE WHO FUCKING TOLD HIM, DIDN'T YOU?

**Sirius Black:** LOL

**Beatrice Booth:** OF COURSE HE TOLD HIM OMG  
HE'S THE ONE WHO KNEW FROM THE BEGINNING

**Mary Macdonald:** AND THEN YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COME ON HERE AND POINT THE FINGER AT LILY LIKE THIS IS ALL HER FAULT????

**Sirius Black: **LOL

**Beatrice Booth:** SUCH A KIM AND/OR KANYE MOVE  
YOU GOSSIPY BACKSTABBER  
YOU REAL HOUSEWIFE

**Sirius Black:** She's still the one at fault. All you're doing now is shooting the messenger.

**Mary Macdonald:** I'm going to clout the messenger with the heel of my fucking shoe when I get home.

**Sirius Black:** High heels or trainers?  
AKA just how turned on should I be?

**Mary Macdonald:** Fucking hell Sirius.  
You should have been drowned at birth.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Saturday 30th November 2019, 3:54 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** is it okay to text you right now?

**Lily Evans: **What?

**James Potter:** what?

**Lily Evans: **Why are you asking me that?

**James Potter:** in case it's not okay to text you?

**Lily Evans: **When is it EVER not okay for you to text me?

**James Potter:** idk  
you might have been busy

**Lily Evans: **What is going ON with you lately?

**James Potter:** nothing!

**Lily Evans: **You're being so weird!

**James Potter:** i'm not!  
but remus is being uncharacteristically mean to me and sirius told me to bugger off and locked himself in his room when i was trying to talk to him about something important so clearly i am the common denominator here and it seems like a good idea to check that i'm not being a nuisance

**Lily Evans: **What did you say to Sirius to make him lock himself in his room?

**James Potter:** that's not important, what matters is that he did it

**Lily Evans: **Great, thanks. Now I have all the information I need to give you some informed advice.

**James Potter:** i've pissed you off  
will text you tomorrow

**Lily Evans: **Slosdjtgsoeirjhpserokhwp3erokhjspeotrjkspetk JAMES

**James Potter:** what?

**Lily Evans: **What's going on with you that I don't know about?  
You've been weird for the last few weeks, DON'T pretend that you haven't been because I'll see through that shit in five seconds flat.

_James Potter is typing_

**Lily Evans: **I'm your friend and I care about you and if something's wrong, I hope you know that you can tell me.

_James Potter is typing_

**Lily Evans: **Or at least let me know if I'VE done something to upset you so I can fix it.

_James Potter is typing_

**Lily Evans: **Because I would never ever ever deliberately do something to upset you, so if I have, you need to let me know what it was so we can address it.

**James Potter:** it's nothing

**Lily Evans: **It took you that much typing to tell me that it's nothing?

**James Potter:** yeah

**Lily Evans:** Really, James?  
Really?

**James Potter: **i don't know what to tell you, i'm honestly fine

**Lily Evans:** You're honestly not fine!  
You are clearly, definitely, obviously not fine!

**James Potter:** maybe i'm calcium deficient or something  
maybe jupiter's in retrograde  
maybe i've been cursed by a vengeful sorcerer  
maybe it's aliens  
maybe it's allergies  
maybe it's maybelline

**Lily Evans: **You know what?  
I need to go to bed now.

**James Potter: **??? it's four in the afternoon

**Lily Evans:** I guess you're not the only one who can lie.

*****

_December 2018_

"Did I?"

"You did."

"Are you _sure?"_

"Would _you_ forget being proposed to?"

"Suppose not," James muttered, glancing quickly off to one side. "Can't believe I don't remember it."

"Well, you were really drunk, so…"

"Are you mad at me?" he said, meeting her eyes again.

The expression in his cloudy hazel eyes was soft and pathetic and anxious, and if Lily could have—if she'd had the _right_ to—she would have taken his face between her hands and told him that he was lovely, that even his half-mumbled, drunken proposal had made her heart skip a beat. She would have showered every inch of him with needy little kisses. He would have kissed her back. Everything would have happened exactly as it was supposed to.

"No, I just—I dunno," she answered, shrugging. She didn't have the right. "It was _odd,_ but—"

"I say the stupidest things when I'm drunk," James cut in, talking fast, his gaze slipping away from her again. _"The_ stupidest things, I swear. Ask Sirius, it drives him mad. Ask _anyone._ It's like I'm a different person or something, run my mouth like an idiot and then in the morning—"

"It's fine—"

"But if I made you feel uncomfortable—"

"You didn't."

"It's just—I don't want _you_ to think that it's like that, or—you know?" He lifted a hand, but dropped it just as quickly, as if he'd moved to touch her arm but thought better of it. Then he let out a heavy sigh. "You're—we're just friends, you and me."

Lily smiled. It felt like being punched in the stomach. "Good friends."

"Yeah, and I really, like, I _value_ you as a friend, you know? So I'd never—this isn't some kind of scheme to get into your pants, or—"

"I know," she interrupted. "It's fine, honestly."

The crinkle between his thick black brows told her that he wasn't entirely convinced. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"You're not secretly really angry or creeped out?"

"Of course not!" she exclaimed, with a brightness that sounded like trying too hard. _I thought you liked me back. Look how hurt I'm not. This is fine. Fine. FINE. _ "I found it sort of funny, to be honest."

"You did?"

"I mean, I'm _pretty_ sure I also heard you propose to your kebab before you shut the door, so...yeah?"

"Right, yeah," James sighed, deflating against the wall. It was difficult to tell if he was terrified or relieved. "That sounds more like me."

"Drunkenly proposing all over the place."

"You and the kebab," he quipped, a half-hearted effort. "The two great loves of my life."

Lily laughed with relish, and didn't remotely mean it.

That was her told, she supposed.


	7. December - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating this for Emily (placebetween), who once spent a weekend with me in Dublin, had a beer the other night and said she missed me. I'm soft.
> 
> A short-ish chapter, but the final one is VERY long, I promise!

**WhatsApp Group Chat: **Secret Santa

**Resumed on:** Sunday 1st December 2019, 1:36 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

================================

**Beatrice Booth:** IT'S CHRISTMAS

**Sirius Black:** It's December 1st.

**Beatrice Booth:** IT'S CHRISTMAS

**Sirius Black: **It's December 1st.

**Beatrice Booth:** IT'S THE SEASON OF CHRISTMAS

**Sirius Black:** It's December 1st.

**Beatrice Booth:** IT'S THE MONTH OF CHRISTMAS

**Sirius Black:** It's December 1st.

** _Beatrice Booth removed Sirius Black from the conversation_ **

**Beatrice Booth:** HOW IS EVERYBODY CELEBRATING THIS JOYOUS DAY?

**Mary Macdonald:** Celebrating what? We still have classes tomorrow.

** _Beatrice Booth removed Mary Macdonald from the conversation_ **

**James Potter:** **@Beatrice Booth** this reminds me of that new christmas film on netflix

**Beatrice Booth:** What film?

**James Potter:** it's called  
a christmas dictator  
it's like a follow up to a christmas prince  
except it's about you

**Beatrice Booth:** I'll kick you out too and don't think I won't

**Lily Evans:** If you kick one more person out, they're going to form their own group and stage a rebellion.  
Although James deserves to be kicked out for mentioning Netflix.

**James Potter:** well i'm sorry that the unjust cancellation of gerbils baboon matters more to you than my continued presence in this group and your life, lily

**Beatrice Booth:** Oh no, the two most apathetic people in the group might stage a coup, how will I manage?  
And what the fuck is gerbils baboon?

**James Potter:** pls don't blemish my sunday with french words i am already stressed enough

**Beatrice Booth:** But you can call me a dictator?

**James Potter:** if the military uniform and bristled moustache fits

**Peter Pettigrew:** That reminds me, you never added Helena to the group!

**Remus Lupin:** The topic of dictators reminded you of that?

** _Beatrice Booth removed Peter Pettigrew from the conversation_ **

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: **Secret Santa

**Resumed on:** Sunday 1st December 2019, 6:00 p.m.

**Members: **Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, James Potter

================================

** _Beatrice Booth added Mary Macdonald to the conversation_ **

** _Beatrice Booth added Sirius Black to the conversation_ **

** _Beatrice Booth added Peter Pettigrew to the conversation_ **

**Beatrice Booth:** I've added you all back on a probationary basis because we need to sort out the exchange

**James Potter:** thanks a lot pol pot  
you're a queenie mussolini  
hip hip hooray pinochet

**Lily Evans:** Have you just Googled famous dictators so you can look like you know things?

**James Potter:** I HAVE NOT

**Sirius Black:** He really hasn't.

**James Potter:** thank you

**Sirius Black:** It was a category on Pointless the other day.

**James Potter:** aseodgihjoisrfhjotijhtfriuoj JUDAS????????

**Sirius Black:** Now you're getting confused. Judas was a disciple.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Why was I removed?

**Beatrice Booth:** Removed from what? Idk what you're talking about.

**Peter Pettigrew:** And could you please add Helena to the chat?

**Beatrice Booth:** Is she with you right now?

**Peter Pettigrew:** No she's in Amsterdam for the weekend.

**Beatrice Booth:** I'll try to add her now

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Sunday 1st December 2019, 6:05 p.m.

**Members:** Beatrice Booth, James Potter

================================

**Beatrice Booth:** Do you still have the Whatsapp convo saved from when Helena harassed you like the conniving little stalker she is?

**James Potter:** i think so?  
to be honest i think she still is harassing me  
i get a lot of calls from withheld numbers and someone always giggles and hangs up when i answer

**Beatrice Booth:** So don't answer

**James Potter:** and potentially miss a call from mi5???

**Beatrice Booth:** Jesus Christ  
Just gimme her number quick

**James Potter:** you're not seriously going to add her to the chat????

**Beatrice Booth:** Just give me the number before I tell everyone what I caught you doing in the computer lab last Tuesday

**James Potter:** you caught me watching ben 10

**Beatrice Booth:** EXACTLY

*****

**Apple iMessage**

**Started on: **Sunday 1st December 2019, 6:09 p.m.

**Members:** Helena Hodge, Unknown

================================

**Unknown:** Greetings friend!

**Helena Hodge:** Who is this?

**Unknown:** We wish to congratulate and inform you that after thorough review of all unclaimed funds, lottery funds, Inheritance and contract funds, etc. in conjunction with the auditor;s reports sent to the united nation accounts department, your payment file was forwarded to this office for immediate transfer of US$5,550,000.00 to your bank account, a compensation for your funds.

**Helena Hodge:** What the hell???  
Who is this??

**Unknown:** You are to receive a Charity Donation of Ј3,500.000.00 GBP for charity Less privileged peoples orphanages work, please reply to me.via my private email address

**Helena Hodge:** WTF??????

**Unknown:** This is paypal we are on to you  
we have camera videos of your masturbatory acts on pornographic actions on your laptop, send two xvillion BitCoin or immediate release

**Helena Hodge:** EWWWWWWWW STOP HARASSING ME!

**Unknown:** I AM GERBILS BABOON

**Helena Hodge:** Stop it or I'm going to call the police!!!!

**Unknown:** The Dutch police?

**Helena Hodge:** HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE I AM????

**Unknown: **Today, I locked my boyfriend in an industrial freezer for six hours so that he would feel more like Edward Cullen. He died. Whoops! My bad!

**Helena Hodge:** I'm blocking you pervert!!!!!!!!!!!

**Unknown:** omg THANK YOU xoxox

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: **Secret Santa

**Resumed on:** Sunday 1st December 2019, 6:14 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

================================

**Beatrice Booth:** **@Peter Pettigrew** I tried adding Helena to the chat but it's not working  
I think she has me blocked?  
I have no idea why!  
I'm sure I've never even texted her before!

**Peter Pettigrew:** Oh

**Sirius Black:** Pull the other one, Booth.

**Beatrice Booth:** No, I'm serious!  
She's blocked me and I'm innocent of any wrongdoing

**Peter Pettigrew:** She does block a lot of people so that's not that hard to believe.  
But how did you get her number? I never gave it to you.

**Sirius Black:** She found it written on the wall in a toilet cubicle in Shandwicks.

**Beatrice Booth:** EXCUSE ME?

**Lily Evans:** Don't be a prick, Sirius.

**Beatrice Booth:** How dare you  
I wouldn't be caught dead in Shandwicks

**Peter Pettigrew:** Helena has class, she would never go to Shandwicks!

**Mary Macdonald:** Helena won't even go to Panda and Sons, the uppity cow.  
Not getting her gladrags on for anything less than Dom Pérignon and caviar, is she?

**Peter Pettigrew:** She can't help that she comes from money!

**Lily Evans:** Peter...coming from money is not an excuse for her demanding that you spend more than you can afford whenever you take her out.  
James comes from money and his ideal night out is tenpin bowling and a McFlurry on the way home.

**James Potter:** also fries

**Lily Evans: **True.

**Sirius Black:** Tenpin as opposed to what? Elevenpin?

**Lily Evans:** Fuck off, Sirius.

**Remus Lupin:** The toilets in Shandwicks are desolate, to be fair.

**James Potter:** when were you in shandwicks???!  
you shouldn't be in shandwicks!  
your immune system is weaker than other people's, what if you catch chagas disease from a urinal?????

**Remus Lupin:** Do you think many Latin American parasites are frequenting the toilets in Shandwicks?

**James Potter:** where else would they go?

**Mary Macdonald:** Moving swiftly on from parasites  
Has anyone been to the Christmas market yet?  
Aside from Bea, I know you and Remus went last night.

**Remus Lupin: **I'd go again.

**James Potter:** is that the one in princes street gardens?

**Mary Macdonald:** No, James, it's the one in fucking King's Landing.

**James Potter:** surprising that it survived that fire

**Lily Evans:** I haven't gone yet.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Nor have I!

**Mary Macdonald:** So why don't we do the exchange on the 13th in the afternoon and head to the market after?  
I'm gasping for a mulled wine.

**James Potter:** i'd be up for that

**Peter Pettigrew:** I'm free!

**Lily Evans:** I can do the exchange but not the market after, I've to get a train home that afternoon.

**James Potter:** what why???

**Lily Evans:** Petunia's spending Christmas with her boyfriend's family in the Lake District so I have to go home for an early Christmas with her.

**Mary Macdonald:** Vile.

**James Potter:** why didn't i know that?

**Lily Evans:** It was only arranged last night.  
I tried to get out of it but Petunia "put her foot down" and had Vernon pay for my train ticket.

**Beatrice Booth:** Lily noooooooooooooooooooooo  
Did he at least pay for first class?

**Lily Evans:** HAH  
I'm lucky to have a seat and not a designated spot in the luggage rack.  
Scratch that, I'm lucky to be on the train at all and not swinging from a caboose on a pair of water skis.

**Mary Macdonald:** But mulled wine!  
Spiced cider!  
Currywurst!  
The shitty haunted house!  
The icebar!  
The big wheel! Lily! THE BIG WHEEL!

**Peter Pettigrew:** Did anyone else read spiced cider as ciced spider????

**Lily Evans:** Mary, I don't know why you think I'm on the other side of this argument.  
You don't have to sell it to me, I just can't go.

**Mary Macdonald:** What about the weekend coming then?

**Lily Evans:** James and Sirius have their dad's birthday in London.

**James Potter:** it's my dad's birthday next weekend  
what she said  
mum's throwing a party and we have to be there or she'll punish me until i appease her by giving her a grandchild on a gold platter with a garnish of sliced apples and spring greens

**Beatrice Booth:** Does she want a baby or a roast duck?

**James Potter:** you don't serve DUCK with sliced apples and spring greens you clown

**Beatrice Booth:** Lolllllllllllll

**Sirius Black:** We ARE travelling in first class, if anyone's interested.

**Mary Macdonald:** Fuck off, Lady Grantham.

**Beatrice Booth: **So what are we going to do about the Christmas market?

**Lily Evans:** Just go after the Secret Santa, it's fine.  
I can go this week with some of the girls from my course.  
April and Frankie were talking about going.

**James Potter:** if april and frankie jumped off a bridge would you?

**Lily Evans:** Why would April and Frankie jump off a bridge?

**James Potter:** because some of their friends did?

**Lily Evans:** What?

**James Potter: **wait no

**Mary Macdonald:** Lilyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy it won't be the same without you!!!

**Lily Evans:** It's FINE, I'll stand at the entrance to the train station and wave sadly at all of you with a handkerchief.  
It'll be dead romantic.

**Remus Lupin:** What time do you have to be at the train station?

**Lily Evans:** My train's at 4:07 pm because Vernon's a prick who purposely picked the longest journey.  
5 hours 44 minutes total including a change in Derby.

**Remus Lupin:** So we'll do the exchange in our flat at 2? Nobody in 4B has classes after 1.

**Lily Evans:** Suits me.

**Mary Macdonald:** I'm down.

**Peter Pettigrew:** I'll have to check with Helena but that should be fine!

**Sirius Black:** Too bad for her that we're having it in the contaminated Shandwicks lav.

**Peter Pettigrew:** What?

**Sirius Black:** What?

**James Potter:** WHAT IF THEY WERE BUNGEE JUMPING

** _Beatrice Booth removed James Potter from the conversation_ **

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Sunday 1st December 2019, 6:50 p.m.

**Members:** Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans

================================

**Lily Evans:** Has Helena actually blocked you?

**Beatrice Booth:** It's *Helena the Flat-Earthing Sexual Harasser and yeah  
As of about an hour ago

**Lily Evans:** What did you do?!

**Beatrice Booth:** Some well-deserved convincing  
Maybe next time she'll think twice before thrusting her vagina at your husband('s bank account)

**Lily Evans:** Lol  
You didn't have to go that hard.

**Beatrice Booth:** It's called method acting, Lily, look it up

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Sunday 1st December 2019, 6:54 p.m.

**Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** where are you?

**Remus Lupin:** With Beatrice.

**James Potter:** will you be back soon?  
i need to talk to you about something

**Remus Lupin:** No, I don't know why Lily decided to go to the Christmas market with her other friends as opposed to alone with you.

**James Potter:** how did you know i was going to ask that?!

**Remus Lupin:** What else would it have been?

**James Potter:** actually i had a question about economics

**Remus Lupin:** Ask me your question about economics, please. I'm waiting with bated breath.

**James Potter: **What aspects of the Economy are being disrupted by Artificial Intelligence and Automation?  
wait

**Remus Lupin:** You could have at least edited out the capital letters so I wouldn't know you'd pasted it.

**James Potter:** it wasn't pasted  
i added the caps for flair  
(charlotte flair)

**Remus Lupin:** Right.  
I'm out.

**James Potter:** what do you mean?

**Remus Lupin:** I'm done counselling you through your Lily issues.

**James Potter:** REMUS  
NO

**Remus Lupin:** If I thought there was a genuine problem, I wouldn't be doing this, but there isn't one.  
Just your absolute dedication to fabricating as many as you can.

**James Potter:** you can't do this to me  
mum and sirius have already cut me off if i can't talk to you i can't talk to anyone

**Remus Lupin: **I'm adding her name to the banned list until after the exchange is done.

**James Potter:** NO

**Remus Lupin:** After which, I will consider a phased return.

**James Potter:** who the fuck are you now, linda in hr???  
you can't just cut me off and you CAN'T add her to the banned list because we've already reached 10 items and we agreed that 10 items was the max  
any more than that and you're just intolerant

**Remus Lupin:** I'm willing to offer you back one of the following:  
\- Your frequent lamentations re: your inability to raise just one eyebrow  
\- The futility of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise after the first one

**James Potter:** they're both such weak options!

**Remus Lupin:** Then you can have both back, or I'll give you back your anti-France rhetoric.

**James Potter:** what if i give you four other things instead of lily?

**Remus Lupin:** No.  
I need a break.

**James Potter:** i'll stop sending you biographies of my sims characters  
i'll stop discussing my pen preferences at dusk  
i'll stop complaining about steve from stranger things  
i'll stop insisting that dogs are morons who don't know shit

**Remus Lupin:** The last one is tempting, but no.

**James Potter: **REMUS

**Remus Lupin:** No.

**James Potter:** but WHY

**Remus Lupin:** Because the alternative is finally snapping and killing you.

**James Potter:** i can't believe you'd do this to me

**Remus Lupin:** You and the economy will survive it.  
Which banned topic do you want back?  
Decide or I'll choose for you.

**James Potter:** FINE i'll take france

**Remus Lupin:** Urgh.

**James Potter:** WELL YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT AN OPTION

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Sunday 1st December 2019, 7:19 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** so i think i've been acting weird for a while and i just wanted to apologise for it  
i'm sorry  
(that was the apology)  
(can truly grovel if needed, just let me know your preferences)

**Lily Evans:** Oh babe <3  
It's okay, you don't need to apologise, I've just been worried that something was wrong.

**James Potter:** yeah i've been thinking about that and i think i might have found the answer  
i have a potassium deficiency

**Lily Evans: **A potassium deficiency?

**James Potter: **that's what i get for never eating bananas!  
but then again, who in their right mind would eat a fruit that's better served as a comedy phone?  
bananas bear some responsibility here and i'd like to see them account for it

**Lily Evans:** Ah yes, the inexorable urge to pick the banana up and shout "ring ring! ring ring!" whenever you see one is what caused the shift in your behaviour.

**James Potter:** when you say "behaviour" you sound like supernanny  
do you remember using bananas to learn how to put condoms on in school?

**Lily Evans:** I went to a Catholic school, so no.  
At one point they brought all of the girls in my year into the canteen and treated us to a presentation (ON VHS TAPE???) on menstruation that looked like it had been made in the 1980s.  
Course, I'd just turned 16 at the time so most of us already had our periods.  
It was a totally wasted afternoon.

**James Potter:** i got told off during the banana condom demonstration for using the banana as a comedy phone  
i pretended that durex were on the phone intending to sue for unlawful product placement  
it was a layered joke because the demonstration was a video so there were intellectual property issues  
but also because condoms weren't made to go on bananas  
the teacher didn't like that

**Lily Evans:** You are nothing if not consistent.

**James Potter:** consistent is my middle name

**Lily Evans:** Oddjob is your middle name.

**James Potter:** you don't need to remind me

**Lily Evans:** Oh, I do.  
At every possible moment of every possible day, whenever I see an opening.  
I'm the ultimate opportunist.

**James Potter:** like edge  
the wrestler, not the guitarist from u2  
or edgar

**Lily Evans:** Edgar?

**James Potter:** sometimes i wonder what happened to him when he got to timbuktu  
did someone open the crate?  
and if they did, did he make friends?  
is timbuktu a real place?  
hang on i'm googling

**Lily Evans:** James  
What?  
Who tf is Edgar?

**James Potter:** okay it is real and it's in mali  
so like, i assume there was a recipient who would have opened it??  
because otherwise the indication is that he died en route  
you can't just address a crate to timbuktu and expect it to get there  
but then again this was france and they're like that

**Lily Evans:** You're talking about the butler from The Aristocats, aren't you?

**James Potter:** i assumed you'd glean that from context

**Lily Evans:** You forgot to provide the context!

**James Potter:** but you gleaned it anyway!

**Lily Evans: **I still would have appreciated a proper segue!

**James Potter:** let's not fight, darling, not in front of the children

**Lily Evans:** LMFAO

**James Potter: **you know  
as a man of means myself  
i can understand that it wasn't right of madame to leave nothing to edgar when he'd served her loyally for so many years  
so i get why he was angry  
the working classes are treated appallingly by the idle rich  
like i'm pretty sure sirius is fully on his side  
but he really lost me when he tried to fuck with the cats  
what had the cats ever done to him?

**Lily Evans:** It boggles the mind, truly.

**James Potter:** and you know what he could have done instead?

**Lily Evans:** Kept quiet, became the cats' official guardian when Madame died and inherited a few short years later?

**James Potter:** close but no  
he could have kept quiet, became their official guardian and made a BOATLOAD of money off of them  
one of those cats could play the piano, another sang, the other was a painter  
you can't sit here and tell me there's no money in piano playing cats

**Lily Evans:** You are genuinely the weirdest person I know.

**James Potter:** can't believe you'd say that when we both know terry "dr scholl" heaney  
and helena "doesn't understand consent" hodge  
and edwin "absurdly long tongue" edwards

**Lily Evans:** Shut up, you know I mean it in a nice way and you KNOW I love that about you.

**James Potter:** not enough to marry me tho

**Lily Evans:** For the love of god, don't mention Edwin Edwards, he's got a tongue like a frog and you KNOW how I feel about frogs.  
And EXCUSE ME!!!!  
I've accepted ALL of your proposals!!!!  
You just can't remember because you're always drunk off your ass when you do it.

**James Potter:** lol fair

**Lily Evans:** I'm still waiting for that Ring Pop you promised me months ago, you know.  
Not to mention the toothbrush.

**James Potter:** toothbrush????  
what toothbrush??

**Lily Evans:** LOL it's nothing.

**James Potter:** nothing?

**Lily Evans: **I mixed up my references. 

**James Potter:** oh

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Sunday 8th December 2019, 12:48 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, Remus Lupin

================================

**Lily Evans:** Davey finally brought the box round today!  
[picture attachment]

**Remus Lupin: **It looks great!

**Lily Evans:** Doesn't it?!  
I'm so happy!! And to think I've been shitting a brick all week!

**Remus Lupin:** Not literally, which might have been helpful.

**Lily Evans:** Hahahahaha!  
He'd been telling me for three weeks that he'd have it done "any day now."  
Or straight up ignoring my texts, which was reassuring.

**Remus Lupin: **What about the extra pieces?  
Did they ever arrive?

**Lily Evans:** YES I FORGOT TO TELL YOU!  
They arrived a few weeks ago, hence I was finally able to send a picture of the build to Davey!

**Remus Lupin:** When did you order them?

**Lily Evans:** September.

**Remus Lupin:** That long ago?

**Lily Evans:** LEGO is a hot commodity, apparently.  
Six months and it's DONE, FINALLY.  
Or it WILL be once I bind the manual together, but I can knock that out this evening.

**Remus Lupin: **It took you that long?

**Lily Evans:** I think at least three of those months were just me trying to work out how to use their stupid obsolete builder service to make the manual, and then you try stealing the uni printers to print full colour instructions when nobody's looking.  
Or, you know, getting anything you ordered on time.  
This whole project has been so stressful from the beginning and it's going to set a precedent for future Christmas presents that really can't be sustained and I don't know what possessed me to do it in the first place and he BETTER like it or I'll be furious.  
Possibly heartbroken, I dunno.

**Remus Lupin:** He's going to love it and you know he will.

**Lily Evans:** I feel like I'm just talking AT you right now, I'm sorry.  
Thank you so much for keeping this under wraps and putting up with my mad ranting for the past couple of months.  
And I promise, Bea will NEVER hear it from me that you had any knowledge.

**Remus Lupin:** Appreciate that.

**Lily Evans:** Do you definitely think the box looks good?

**Remus Lupin: **It looks fantastic.  
I can't believe how smoothly you pulled all of this together.

**Lil Evans: **Misuse of the printers notwithstanding?

**Remus Lupin:** Lily, we are willingly accepting a pile of student debt just to be here.  
At this point I think misuse of the printers is an obligation.

**Lily Evans:** A moral one.

**Remus Lupin: **Exactly.

**Lily Evans:** Hey, Bea and Mary and I are going to go for Sunday lunch at the Ox. Mary's treat.  
Well, Mary's dad's treat, technically.  
She's booking the table now and asked me to invite you. Fancy coming?

**Remus Lupin: **I'll get my coat and be over in a minute.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Sunday 8th December 2019, 2:36 p.m.

**Members:** Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

================================

**Peter Pettigrew:** I have something to tell you but……

**James Potter:** but??

**Peter Pettigrew:** I just don't know if I should!

**James Potter:** …………

**Peter Pettigrew:** What should I do?

**James Potter:** you are being very dramatic right now peter  
you need to try to be calmer and more composed

**Peter Pettigrew:** Right.

**James Potter:** like me

**Peter Pettigrew:** Sorry.

**James Potter:** what is it you have to tell me  
is it good?  
bad?

**Peter Pettigrew:** It's………… bad.

**James Potter:** have the french been at it again?

**Peter Pettigrew:** At what again?

**James Potter:** snatching world cup victory from the hands of a more deserving croatian team?  
rubbing disneyland in my face?  
undercooking their meat?  
i don't know, i never pay attention to france

**Peter Pettigrew:** But you love rare steak.

**James Potter:** and?  
when did i mention rare steak?

_Peter Pettigrew is typing_

**James Potter: **look, it doesn't matter  
i have to leave for the train soon  
what do you need to tell me

**Peter Pettigrew:** I think  
Urgh

**James Potter:** what?

**Peter Pettigrew:** This is so hard.

**James Potter:** ffs peter, this isn't like the bachelor where you're supposed to trail off and have dramatic silences

**Peter Pettigrew:** You watch the Bachelor?

**James Potter:** NO  
HOW COULD YOU EVEN INSINUATE THAT I'D  
look nevermind  
the POINT is you're texting me like we're talking in person

**Peter Pettigrew:** Because I'm torn!

**James Potter:** just tell me!

**Peter Pettigrew:** I think Lily has a boyfriend!  
I'm sorry!  
I'm so sorry!  
Please don't hate me!  
It's just that I was leaving my flat this morning to go to Helena's and there was some bloke at her door.  
I don't know his name but I think he's in your course because I remember him from the showcase thing you did.  
Really tall skinny chap with a tattoo sleeve? Blonde hair?  
That doesn't matter, I'm not focusing on the proper thing, I'm sorry.  
Anyway she opened the door and jumped out and gave him a huge hug and said she was so glad he was there and that she was so excited.  
And then he went into her flat.  
I waited outside for about five minutes but he didn't come back out.  
I don't think she saw me but it was definitely her.  
I didn't know if I should tell you or not, but Helena made me see that it was the right thing to do.  
She says you deserve to know so you can have closure.  
I'm so sorry!  
Please don't be upset?  
James?  
Are you not talking to me?  
James?

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Sunday 8th December 2019, 5:22 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**Lily Evans:** Are you on your way back yet?

**James Potter:** yeah  
on the train

**Lily Evans:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Missed you <3  
Is the first class carriage everything I'd dreamed and more?

**James Potter:** idk  
there are free biscuits  
but  
sirius is snoring  
so that's embarrassing

**Lily Evans:** I feel like he does it on purpose because I've seen him fall asleep on sofas and be totally silent.  
I don't know HOW he'd snore on purpose whilst genuinely asleep, but if anyone could...

**James Potter:** right yeah  
you went to the ox?  
i saw on instagram

**Lily Evans:** Yeah, we just got back!  
I had halibut for my main which means I am expanding my foodie horizons, be proud of me pls.

**James Potter:** was it nice?

**Lily Evans:** Yeah, it was lovely and I'm one step closer to admitting that you're right about seafood.  
It's super Christmassy in there at the mo.  
Beatrice got very excited.  
Very VERY excited, if you catch my drift.

**James Potter:** right

**Lily Evans:** TOO excited.

**James Potter:** where are you in the sex playlist?

**Lily Evans:** T'Pau.

**James Potter:** good old t'pau

**Lily Evans:** I reckon I've got anywhere between 5 and 140 minutes to go until they finish.  
Maybe closer to 5? I mean, they've just had a heavy meal.

**James Potter:** who else was there?

**Lily Evans:** What?

**James Potter:** at the ox

**Lily Evans:** Just the girls and Remus.

**James Potter:** then who took the photo of you all?

**Lily Evans:** Oh, our waitress saw us trying and failing to take a group selfie and offered to do it.

**James Potter:** ok

**Lily Evans:** Are you okay?

**James Potter:** yeah

**Lily Evans:** You sure?

**James Potter:** yeah  
solid

**Lily Evans:** Are you sure you're sure?  
Because that's what you said last time and then we had the banana conversation and it became patently clear that something had been up.

**James Potter:** no honestly i'm fine, everything's fine  
just trying not to text too animatedly  
in case i wake sirius up

**Lily Evans:** Wait, what?

**James Potter:** so what else have you been up to today?

**Lily Evans:** James?????

**James Potter:** seriously i'm fine  
tell me about your day, what have you been up to

**Lily Evans: **I mean????? Nothing really????  
I woke up ridiculously early and couldn't get back to sleep so I studied for like, five straight hours. Got a headache. Took two Nurofen. Ate halibut.  
Now I'm texting you.

**James Potter:** that's all?

**Lily Evans:** Pretty much.  
What about you? How was the party?

**James Potter:** it was fine, was nice to catch up with algernon and hear his news  
but i meant to say, i didn't get to do any of the work i'd been planning on doing at home because mum was on my back all the time  
i still have six panels to finish by thursday so i'm going to be busy for a few days and i won't be able to do the cinema monday night

**Lily Evans:** Oh.  
Well that's okay!

**James Potter:** sorry

**Lily Evans:** No, it's fine, I get it! You've got a deadline!  
You'll let me know when you're free to do something before Friday, yeah?  
There's something I'd like to talk to you about, but it's more of an in-person conversation.  
(Nothing bad though! I hope?)

**James Potter:** yeah  
sure  
i'll let you know when i can

**Lily Evans:** Are you sure you're okay? Really sure?

**James Potter:** yeah  
definitely  
101%

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat **

**Resumed on:** Sunday 8th December 2019, 7:36 p.m.

**Members: **Remus Lupin, James Potter

================================

**Remus Lupin:** Nearly home?

**James Potter:** 30 minutes away  
sirius was asleep the whole time and only just woke up, the bastard

**Remus Lupin:** I had dinner with the girls, but do you want me to order you a pizza?

**James Potter:** i feel sick so i don't want anything, but sirius wants a pizza hut so i'll send you money for it  
large stuffed crust texan bbq with chicken strips and wedges too  
and garlic dip

**Remus Lupin:** No problem.  
How was the weekend?

**James Potter:** urgh

**Remus Lupin:** That bad?

**James Potter:** tbh i don't want to talk about it  
got my panels finished tho

**Remus Lupin:** Oh, good!

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Sunday 8th December 2019, 9:51 p.m.

**Members:** Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** you were right  
she has a new boyfriend

**Peter Pettigrew:** Oh no!!  
She told you?

**James Potter:** no but  
when i asked her what she'd been up to today she never mentioned him and then she said that she has to talk to me about something in person so that obviously means that she's fallen in love with that prick davey gudgeon and is going to break it to me gently over nachos  
which explains basically everything that's been happening over the past few weeks  
i was just too thick to see it

**Peter Pettigrew:** I'm so sorry!  
What are you going to do?

**James Potter:** idk  
cry in the shower?  
die?  
commit myself to a life as algernon's sexless butler?  
change my identity and ship myself off to timbuktu in a crate?  
avoid her until we graduate?  
it's only two and a half more years  
i can manage two and a half more years

**Peter Pettigrew:** …… you really can't, though.

**James Potter:** wow peter  
wow  
thanks for cutting me right to my core


	8. December - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank The View's album "Hats off to the Buskers" and "Dancing in the Moonlight" by Toploader for essentially writing this chapter _for_ me. I have no other way to explain how I managed to finish it so quickly. But finish it I did! The fic is done!! I'm so happy!
> 
> So... Christmas in August, I guess? (FYI the Burger King story is based on my real life soooo)

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Monday 9th December 2019, 11:06 p.m.

**Members:** Helena Hodge, James Potter

================================

**Helena Hodge:** Hi hun! xxxxx

**James Potter: **excuse me?

**Helena Hodge:** Petey told me all about Lilly and that guy she had over behind your back xxx

**James Potter:** it's lily

**Helena Hodge:** My heart breaks for you poor baby xxxx  
I can't believe she cheated on you xxxxxxx

**James Potter:** i'm not a baby and she didn't cheat on me  
we're just friends and i know peter's told you that  
but i am NOT interested in anyone else, okay? NOT anyone and especially not you  
so just stop

**Helena Hodge:** lol I know you're not a baby it's just a cute nickname! xxx  
I'm just here to offer support xx  
And like, you're like way hotter than than any cheater she can't even compare xxx I know it hurts now but it won't be hard to forget about her once you realise that you could have any girl you want xxx  
Like I've always had a crush on you lolololol  
Like I love Petey but he's not, well you know XD x  
He's not very impressive lol xxx  
Not like you x  
If you had been single when i met you……… ;) ;) ;) xxx  
Anyway I just wanted to reach out and let you know that if you need to talk to someone or to be comforted I'm here for you xxx

**James Potter:** oh shoot helena

**Helena Hodge:** What bb? xx

**James Potter: **i just remembered that i'd rather poke my own eyes out with knitting needles and eat flambeed balls of poop and sit naked on an iceberg in antarctica than talk to you for five fucking seconds  
i wouldn't care if the iceberg ripped my junk right off  
at least you wouldn't be there you arsehole sandwich  
for once just get the message and leave me alone

**Helena Hodge:** LOL so you like butt stuff? ;)

**James Potter:** i'm blocking you  
right now  
bye

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Monday 9th December 2019, 11:15 p.m.

**Members:** Euphemia Potter, James Potter

================================

**James Potter: **mum?

**Euphemia Potter:** What is it, dumpling?

**James Potter:** i'm sorry i didn't tell you this sooner, but i'm being harassed by peter's girlfriend  
her name is helena hodge and she's horrible to peter and she never leaves me alone like i'm always getting calls from blocked numbers that hang up when i pick up the phone and whenever she sees me on campus she follows me around and she sends me messages that make me uncomfortable  
i've told her to stop and she clearly isn't going to  
it's like she's not even acknowledging anything i say

**Euphemia Potter:** I see.

**James Potter:** you or dad might know her parents, her dad's an investment banker or a wealth manager or something, works in london? not sure about her mum tho  
can you do anything about it?

**Euphemia Potter:** Oh yes.  
You just leave her to me.

**James Potter:** thanks mummy x

**Euphemia Potter:** Now go to bed.  
It's outrageous that you'd be up at this hour on a school night.

**James Potter:** yes mummy x

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Tuesday 10th December 2019, 3:03 p.m.

**Members:** Euphemia Potter, James Potter

================================

**Euphemia Potter: **That girl won't bother you again.

**James Potter:** ????  
what did you do?

**Euphemia Potter: **Ever heard of insider trading?

**James Potter:** yes?

**Euphemia Potter:** So has her father.

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: Secret Santa**

**Resumed on: **Tuesday 10th December 2019, 6:54 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald, Peter Pettigrew

**================================**

**Beatrice Booth: **Has everybody got their gifts ready?

**Lily Evans:** Add James back.

**Beatrice Booth:** What?

**Lily Evans:** You removed him last week, add him back.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Helena doesn't want to participate anymore so there's no need to bring her gift.

** _Beatrice Booth added James Potter to the conversation_ **

**Mary Macdonald:** Wtf???

**Lily Evans:** Whaaaaaat??????

**Sirius Black:** Lol

**Mary Macdonald:** After all of the drama it took to include her, now she's fucked off?

**Beatrice Booth:** WTF  
You said she would have killed you if she couldn't take part!

**Peter Pettigrew:** That was true then!  
But she rang me about an hour ago and said that under no circumstances will she take part now.  
But it's ok! She says she got my name in the draw so only I'll miss out on a gift.

**James Potter:** ……

**Mary Macdonald:** I deliberately set it up so that she couldn't get your name, but whatever, you pricks have all been trading partners like characters on the fucking CW from the beginning.

**James Potter:** ……

**Mary Macdonald:** She's got a fucking cheek.

**Beatrice Booth:** I bet she'd planned to do it from the beginning

**Mary Macdonald:** Probably.

**James Potter:** ……

**Mary Macdonald:** What Potter?  
You know something, what is it?

**James Potter:** nothing  
i just  
nothing

**Mary Macdonald:** **@Lily Evans** Make him talk.

**Lily Evans:** On it.

**James Potter:** i have a surplus of ellipses!

**Mary Macdonald:** Sure you fucking do.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Tuesday 10th December 2019, 6:59 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**Lily Evans:** What happened with Helena? Tell me.  
I won't tell the others if you don't want me to but you wouldn't be dropping ellipses like nanny's knockers if you didn't want to talk to someone about it.

**James Potter:** nanny's knockers???

**Lily Evans: **It's a phrase in my family.  
Never said I was proud of it.

**James Potter:** but why?  
did your gran's… boobs drop?

**Lily Evans: **No James, they flew north for the winter in her old age.

**James Potter:** wit's on form today

**Lily Evans: **Thank you.

**James Potter:** i can tell you about helena but please don't tell the others

**Lily Evans: **I won't tell anyone, you can trust me.

**James Potter:** i know i can  
i trust you completely, i do  
honestly  
and i know that if you ever kept something from me you'd only do it because you had good reason

**Lily Evans: **What are you talking about?

**James Potter:** i'm saying it's always better to explicitly SAY don't tell the others because otherwise the opposite could be assumed

**Lily Evans: **That's… not what you were saying??  
And if you wanted the others to know I assume you'd just tell all of them?

**James Potter:** i am telling you about helena now so let's stay on that track  
she sent me more harassment messages last night

**Lily Evans: **Whaaaaaaaaat  
What did she say??? Show me.

**James Potter:** oh i deleted the whole conversation  
but  
it was all stuff about how i was hot and could have anyone i wanted and how she's always had a crush on me

**Lily Evans: **JESUS

**James Potter:** and how she loves peter but he's not "impressive" like me

**Lily Evans:** That's so  
Just  
Wtf even prompted this???

**James Potter:** idk it's one of life's mysteries

**Lily Evans:** What the fuck that's so inappropriate and creepy and how DARE she??  
Even if she WASN'T dating one of your friends that is so MILES ahead of unacceptable!  
I am not a violent person but honestly, if I could beat her up and not get arrested I'd be so tempted to do it.  
Does Peter know?

**James Potter:** that's the thing  
i've told him before because she follows me around, yeah? and all of the other stuff, and he just says that i must be imagining things and helena and i probably have to walk the same way to classes  
and i didn't want to show him the texts she sent me about secret santa back in september because then he'd know she had him  
which seems really stupid now

**Lily Evans: **Did you keep a screenshot of the texts?

**James Potter:** no

**Lily Evans: **Shit.

**James Potter:** anyway there's more to the story  
because

**Lily Evans: **Did she turn up at your flat with a dead bunny?

**James Potter:** i told mum about her last night  
and she sort of  
i think  
spoke to some people  
and apparently helena's dad is a bit dodgy?

**Lily Evans: **Dodgy how?

**James Potter:** so what mum found out is that he's being investigated for insider trading and some other things but he's got a load of money so he's gotten it all hushed up from the papers because his wife's on the local council for kensington & chelsea and if it all gets out it'll hurt her chances at being re-elected next year and she's trying to work her way up to mp and half the voters are his bloody clients  
lol i punctuated none of that i'm sorry

**Lily Evans: **Oh my god oh my god oh my GODDDDDDD!!!!!**  
**I forgive you because I LIVE for the hot goss and you know it thank you for blessing me with this <3

**James Potter:** lol  
anyway mum got in touch with helena and said that if she hears she's been harassing me one more time she'll make sure word gets out

**Lily Evans: **And that worked?

**James Potter:** apparently?  
she told mum she'd leave me alone and now she's not coming to secret santa soooooooo

**Lily Evans: **Wow.

**James Potter:** but i'm not allowed to tell anyone, not even sirius and peter  
especially not sirius, he'd tell everyone immediately  
i do think i need to talk to peter about the other stuff though  
he shouldn't have to put up with her shit all the time

**Lily Evans: **This is all insane. And crazy that your mum found out so quickly!

**James Potter:** the fact that my mum found out is probably the least crazy part of all of this

**Lily Evans: **True.**  
**Remember when she texted you like "You're in a Burger King right now, aren't you?"  
And you WERE in the Burger King?

**James Potter:** i still don't get how she sensed that from 400 miles away  
sirius wasn't with me and i had my location turned off  
though she knew i was going to forbidden planet that day so maybe she's conditioned me to go to burger king whenever i buy comic books  
maybe all those times she brought me to forbidden planet in london she was timing how long it took me to browse so she could guesstimate when i'd be sitting down in burger king  
maybe she's been playing the long con for years  
just so she could send that one text on that one day and at the opportune moment

**Lily Evans:** Where did she take you to eat when you were younger and she bought your comic books?

**James Potter:** rules in covent garden

**Lily Evans:** LOL  
Burger King and Rules. They're like twins.

**James Potter:** sometimes we went to nandos!

**Lily Evans:** Right.

**James Potter:** hmmmmmmmmm

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: Secret Santa**

**Resumed on: **Tuesday 10th December 2019, 7:22 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

**================================**

**Lily Evans: **So, following on from earlier.  
HAS everybody got their gifts ready?

**Remus Lupin:** I have.

**Mary Macdonald:** Of course.

**Peter Pettigrew:** I do!

**James Potter:** bought mine today

**Beatrice Booth:** I have but more importantly  
Did you get James to talk?

**Lily Evans:** **@Peter Pettigrew** I had Helena so I'll take your name and get you a present. No point in keeping it secret now.

**Beatrice Booth:** WELL?

**Lily Evans:** It's not fair that you get nothing because she cancelled out of the blue.

**Beatrice Booth:** MARRRRYYYYYYY  
MUMMY AND DADDY ARE KEEPING SECRETS

**Peter Pettigrew:** You don't have to go out of your way to get a gift for me so close to the exchange!

**Mary Macdonald:** Since when was Lily the mum? What does that make me?

**Beatrice Booth:** A mother-in-law from hell?

**Mary Macdonald:** Ooooooh I like that.

**Lily Evans:** It's fine! I got Helena a Yankee candle that I'm going to keep for myself and my conscience won't allow me to leave you with nothing when I have two gifts.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Ok thank you!!!!

**Sirius Black:** There are people starving to death on the streets and you're concerned about Peter missing out on a piece of tat.

**Lily Evans:** There are people starving to death on the streets and your La Mer moisturiser retails at £125 a pop, you get to lecture approximately NOBODY about frivolous spending.

**Sirius Black:** HAHAHAHAHA  
I love you Evans.

**Lily Evans:** I love you too.

**James Potter:** woah

**Mary Macdonald:** What

**Beatrice Booth:** OMG

**Remus Lupin:** Wow.

**Beatrice Booth:** MUMMY IS ADULTERING  
WITH… HER BROTHER IN LAW?

**Lily Evans:** Mummy is not, go to your room.  
And WTF stop calling me mummy.

**James Potter:** woah

**Mary Macdonald:** Excuse me but what the FUCK was that just now???

**Lily Evans:** What?

**Mary Macdonald:** THE FUCKERY ABOVE?

**Sirius Black:** Respect was due and I gave it.

**Lily Evans:** You're all being so dramatic about this.

**Mary Macdonald:** When the curse you've laid down destroys all of our lives I just hope you both remember that you did this.  
And then we'll see who deserves some respect.

**Beatrice Booth: **You've both just RUINED 2020 for us all  
A pox on ALL our houses

**Lily Evans:** I'm checking your rooms for a gas leak later.

**Mary Macdonald:** Be my guest, Pandora.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 11th December 2019, 10:43 a.m.

**Members:** Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** i need to talk to you about something

**Peter Pettigrew:** So do I. This is about your mum right?

**James Potter:** wait what??!???!?!!!  
helena told you about that??

**Peter Pettigrew:** No, Helena doesn't know about it.  
Wait, told me what?

_James Potter is typing_

**Peter Pettigrew:** I'm talking about your mum phoning me yesterday.

**James Potter:** wait  
no  
what  
she rang YOU?

**Peter Pettigrew:** Yeah??  
I'm confused, what were you talking about?

**James Potter:** why did mum ring you?

**Peter Pettigrew:** She said she sensed that I have been accepting less than I put into my relationship with Helena and wondered if I needed to talk about it.  
Then after we talked she said that I need to give myself permission to assert my needs and ask for better treatment.

**James Potter:** i don't  
wat

**Peter Pettigrew:** She was really sympathetic! And a lot of what she said made sense!

**James Potter:** i'm pretty sure remus and i have said stuff like that to you before!

**Peter Pettigrew:** I know, but it's easier to take seriously when it's coming from someone who knows what they're talking about.

**James Potter:** well  
well i NEVER  
you left this KNIFE IN MY BACK by the way, do you need it?

**Peter Pettigrew:** Anyway I'm meeting with Helena later to discuss our problems.  
If she doesn't agree to try harder at making the relationship work I am going to break up with her.

**James Potter:** i can't  
i  
no  
wat

**Peter Pettigrew: **And I can't back out because Euphemia's ringing me for an update later and I don't want to disappoint her after everything she's done for me.

**James Potter:** wait don't call my mum euphemia!  
i mean  
that's great! i support you! you deserve better!  
but don't call my mum euphemia!

**Peter Pettigrew:** But that's her name lol

**James Potter:** it's the principle!!!!

**Peter Pettigrew:** You can call my mum Barbara!

**James Potter:** i will continue to call your mum mrs pettigrew  
because i am a GENTLEMAN

**Peter Pettigrew:** Well your mum really helped me and she said I could call her that.  
Was that what you wanted to talk to me about?

**James Potter:** well, no  
i mean, i wanted to talk to you about helena because i agree with my mum but she seems to have covered it?  
i did make a decision about lily though

**Peter Pettigrew:** Oh?

**James Potter:** i've been thinking about it  
and if she's going out with gudgeon and hasn't told me yet it's obviously because she's guessed how i feel about her and it's making her uncomfortable and i don't want her to feel that way because she is my friend and i'd rather be her friend than nothing at all  
so i have to try my best to chill out and be normal and support her  
it sort of ruins the secret santa present i was going to give her but i bought her something else

**Peter Pettigrew:** What had you bought her?

**James Potter:** i made her a comic book  
it's about two people who are magically turned into lego and live in a lego castle and have adventures while they try to figure out how to get back to the human world  
and the castle is the exact lego castle we've been building for a year  
i can't give it to her though because i had the stupid idea to sort of  
tell her  
my feelings  
in the stupid comic  
because i thought… but it doesn't matter  
i got her something else and i'm going to be normal and make her see that she can tell me about gudgeon and i won't freak out  
that way she'll be happy and i'll eventually move on in 7 to 10 years

**Peter Pettigrew:** Do you think you can really do that?

**James Potter:** i have to  
every moment will be a supreme agony but i'll do it for the friendship  
i will sacrifice my happiness for hers and die a broken-hearted hero

**Peter Pettigrew:** Like the little mermaid.

**James Potter:** that didn't happen in the little mermaid????

**Peter Pettigrew:** I meant the fairytale, not the Disney movie.

**James Potter:** there's a difference?

**Peter Pettigrew:** In the original story, the sea witch gives the mermaid a potion to drink to get legs. She still loses her voice when she drinks it, but every step she takes feels like she's walking on blades so she is always in agony.  
She has to marry the prince or else she'll die and turn into seafoam, but the prince is in love with a princess from a different kingdom and marries her instead.  
Then the little mermaid's sisters turn up with a dagger and tell her that the sea witch will let her be a mermaid again if she kills the prince with it.

**James Potter:** what the fuck  
does she????

**Peter Pettigrew:** No, she can't bring herself to do it.

**James Potter:** so then what happens???

**Peter Pettigrew:** She dies.

**James Potter:** WHAT

**Peter Pettigrew:** Turns into seafoam.

**James Potter:** WHAT

**Peter Pettigrew:** I can't believe you never knew that!

**James Potter:** WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME NOW

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Wednesday 11th December 2019, 10:58 a.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**Lily Evans:** Did I just hear you bellowing "NO!" at the top of your lungs?

**James Potter:** where are you?

**Lily Evans:** Heading out of the building, I heard you as I was locking my door.

**James Potter:** it's nothing  
i'm just in an utter despair over something

**Lily Evans:** Reader, he says "an utter despair" like it's nothing and expects me to ignore this.  
What's wrong?

**James Potter:** peter just told me the truth about the little mermaid

**Lily Evans:** That they almost made Ariel blonde?

**James Potter:** no but WHAT?  
he told me the original story of the little mermaid  
the one where she has blades in her feet  
i'm very upset

**Lily Evans:** I'm pretty sure her feet just felt like she was walking ON blades.

**James Potter:** YOU KNEW ABOUT IT TOO?

**Lily Evans:** You DIDN'T?

**James Potter:** well i guess i lived a sheltered upbringing where i wasn't exposed to the harsh realities of CHILDREN'S STORIES  
where were you brought up, in a knife gang?

**Lily Evans:** Because obtaining a thorough knowledge of Hans Christian Andersen's grislier endings is standard knife gang initiation.

**James Potter:** it falls right between shanking techniques and machete maintenance  
everyone knows that

**Lily Evans:** Makes sense that a man who stabbed his fencing instructor would know these things.

**James Potter:** oh throw that in my face, why don't you?

**Lily Evans:** Is that what he said before you stabbed him?

**James Potter:** lmfaooooooooooooooo

**Lily Evans:** LOL  
Anyway, being fluent in James, I think I know how to handle your despair.  
Do you want to watch the REAL (aka Disney) Little Mermaid later to cheer yourself up?  
I'm free tonight so I can come over.

**James Potter:** oh i can't! sorry!  
i still have panels to do and i've had a mental block all week!  
but it's okay i've bounced back emotionally thanks to your sparkling wit

**Lily Evans:** I'm side-eyeing you right now.  
Know that.

**James Potter:** no really, i've got loads of work to do and i'm not putting you out because i got sad about a disney movie  
maybe we can watch it next week when you're back from leicester?

**Lily Evans:** Whatever suits you.

**James Potter:** are you wearing your coat?

**Lily Evans:** Yes.

**James Potter:** are you sure?

**Lily Evans:** Yes.

**James Potter:** it's very windy out there  
lows of 2°c expected

**Lily Evans:** FINE, I'll come back upstairs and get it!

**James Potter:** atta girl!

*****

"I don't get it."

"What's not to get? It's Mr Potato Head. Like from Toy Story?"

"Yeah I _know_ what it is," said Beatrice. "I just don't get _why_ you bought it."

"It's 'cause she's Irish," James explained. "It's a stupid stereotype. It's _meta."_

"That's not what meta means."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well…sod off and play with your own gift," James finished.

Beatrice looked as if she wanted to argue back, but tucked her lips together, pointedly adjusted her Santa hat and stuck her fork into a cocktail sausage instead, diverting her gaze to Peter, who was sprawled on the rug in a lake of discarded wrapping paper and pictures of John Travolta, excitedly attempting to inflate the Dualshock controller-shaped gaming chair Lily had bought him in Menkind.

She seemed unusually, uncharacteristically snappish for a woman who'd just unwrapped a beautiful set of tarot cards from Remus and gleefully promised to inflict them upon everyone present.

"Well _I_ love it," Lily told James in an undertone, nudging his arm with her elbow, "and that's what matters, so thank you."

"You're welcome." He smiled at her, one of those fond, crooked smiles that barely showed teeth, his one perfect dimple crinkling in his cheek. "Are you gonna name him?"

"Obviously."

"Can I suggest one?"

"No."

"But I bought it!"

"Oh, okay," Lily drawled, wide-eyed. "So by _that_ logic, you're going to let Peter open all of your stickers?"

"No!" Peter had given James a Panini Premier League football sticker book and ten packets of stickers, which he adored and had been reverently holding like a priceless ancient manuscript from the moment he opened it. He clutched it to his chest and gawked at her. "That's different!"

"How?"

"Because it affects me directly!"

"Spoken like a true aristocrat, and anyway, I've already thought of a name," Lily countered, adjusting Mr Potato Head's arms. He was perched proudly upon her knees, facing outwards, master of all he surveyed. "I'm calling him Tony Starch."

James's laughter was drowned out by an accusatory screech from Mary, who was pointing at the bottle of vodka in Sirius's hands. Lily hadn't paid any attention to it when Sirius removed it from the box, but looking at it now, it was obvious that the bottle was too large, and likely too fancy, to come anywhere close to their spending limit.

"Beluga fucking Noble?!" her friend cried. "Who bought that for you?"

Sirius shrugged. "My Secret Santa."

Mary raised a sceptical eyebrow. "With a fifteen quid limit?"

"Am I the _only_ one here who can't raise one eyebrow at a time?" James lamented aloud.

"I said I'd partake," Sirius answered. "I never promised to stick to the limit."

"So you got _yourself_ for Secret Santa?" Lily chimed in.

Sirius looked remarkably like a vampire whenever he unleashed his patented, shit-eating grin upon the world, unusually pointed incisors and all. "I swapped my pick for somebody else's."

"Swapped with who?"

"Booth first, then Peter, then James," he recounted, and leaned back to lounge in his armchair, twisting the lid from his vodka bottle in one forceful motion. He took a swig from it, likely in an effort to look like a rebel without a cause, his preferred aesthetic. Or a rebel _with_ a cause, where the cause was his own self-interest. "What can I say? He wanted you badly."

Lily whipped her head around to look at James, but he had his head buried in his sticker book and was ardently pretending to read it, so she turned away from him, blushing like a beet.

"Did anybody but me _not_ swap their person for somebody else?" Mary barked, catching her tinsel garland before it slipped from around her neck.

"I didn't," said Remus from the sofa. His gift was a lap desk and mug warmer, the idea behind it being that he could use his laptop in bed on days when he didn't feel well—which came around more frequently than they did for everybody else—though Mary had wrapped it in fifteen layers of paper covered in pictures of John Travolta, who made Remus uneasy.

"That's because you got me, babe," Beatrice reminded him.

"If we do this again next year I'll be sending the list to myself," Mary threatened. "Then _nobody_ can swap, because I'll know."

"What'll you do if we swap anyway?" said Remus slyly. "Confiscate our presents?"

"Can I not rely on _you_ to keep yours?"

"Not if I get Sirius," said Remus. "I can't afford Beluga fucking Noble."

Sirius snorted. "You can't afford Tesco brand Bucks Fizz."

"And _now_ we're mocking the less fortunate," said Lily. "What could be more Christmassy than that?"

"What did you get, Mary?" said Peter, who was red-faced and wheezing on the floor. Either his attempts to inflate his chair were taking their toll on him, or he was still flushed with victory following his unceremonious dumping of Helena Hodge, who had left him no less than seven voicemails demanding that he take her back immediately.

"I got _SHIIT: a Super High Intensity Intercourse Training Textbook_ by known sexpert and philanthropist, Joe Dicks," said Mary, holding up the book for all to see like one of the snazzy, sequin-drenched models on The Price is Right.

"Get hardcore for a hard core," read Remus, squinting at the cover. "Wow."

"It's so she can keep fit _and_ enjoy a robust sex life," said Beatrice through a mouthful of at least three of the smoked salmon canapés that James had spent the morning slaving over.

"And boozy chocolates," Mary added.

Beatrice swallowed her canapés and loudly licked her teeth. "That's to get her in the mood for high intensity intercourse."

"Thanks, babe."

"You're welcome, babe," said Bea sweetly, glaring at James's bowed head. "At least I didn't get you a fucking _potato."_

"It was a funny, culturally relevant joke and she _liked_ it," James retorted, clapping his sticker book shut like he was catching an irritable fly between the pages.

"Well, _yeah,"_ Bea agreed, dripping sarcasm. "Because she's got that scented candle to console her."

"Oh, what? A candle? The most _basic_ of gifts—"

_"You_ say basic, I say classic—"

"Why do you even _care—"_

"It's uncannily familiar, isn't it?" said Mary loudly, as James and Beatrice launched into their squabble, smirking at Lily from behind her glass of red wine.

"Yup," Lily agreed, and covered Tony's plastic ears with her hands, protecting her child from the drama. "Exactly like Christmas at home."

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Friday 13th December 2019, 6:38 p.m.

**Members:** Beatrice Booth, James Potter

================================

**Beatrice Booth:** Where did you go?

**James Potter:** home

**Beatrice Booth:** Why?

**James Potter:** not up to it

**Beatrice Booth:** Why?

**James Potter:** idk it's not that fun this year  
and anyway, mary's ready to vom from all the mulled wine and i don't wanna be on the big wheel with her when she does  
i got an uber back, she's sirius's problem now  
if she vomits on him he'll vomit back out of spite  
i'm too benevolent to vomit back out of spite

**Beatrice Booth:** Why didn't you give her the comic?

**James Potter:** what  
but  
excuse me????  
how did you know about the comic??  
who told you about that?!!??!

**Beatrice Booth:** Doesn't matter  
Why didn't you give it to her?  
I know you've been working on it for weeks and Sirius told me you'd finished it while you were getting oogleflogel

**James Potter:** oliebollen

**Beatrice Booth:** Bless you

**James Potter:** ……the fuck????

**Beatrice Booth:** Why didn't you give it to her James?  
A fucking potato?  
That's what you gave her instead of a comic you'd poured your heart and soul into?  
A root vegetable?

**James Potter:** a root vegetable with detachable accessories!  
you're deliberately leaving out the best part!

**Beatrice Booth:** Oh GOD FORBID I forget about the fucking accessories!

**James Potter:** anyway she liked it so i don't even know why you care!

**Beatrice Booth:** WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE IT TO HER JAMES

**James Potter:** BECAUSE SHE IS GOING OUT WITH DAVEY GUDGEON OKAY?  
WHICH YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY WELL AWARE OF SINCE HE'S BEEN COMING TO THE FLAT

**Beatrice Booth: **What the fuck are you TALKING ABOUT??????!!!!

**James Potter:** DON'T EVEN PRETEND

**Beatrice Booth:** PRETEND WHAT  
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE ON ABOUT YOU HUMAN WHEEL OF CHEESE

**James Potter:** PETER SAW THEM TOGETHER BEING ROMANTIC OUTSIDE YOUR FLAT  
SO LIKE  
WHATEVER  
I'M NOT AN IDIOT

**Beatrice Booth:** COULD'VE FOOLED ME

**James Potter:** and don't call me a wheel of cheese, it's french and insulting  
unless it's feta and then it's okay  
i know why she hasn't told me about him yet  
i know she swapped my name away for helena's, i know I'M the problem  
i know what will happen if i give her that comic  
it's too much and it would freak her out and i'm trying to be supportive and anyway i'm NOT TALKING ABOUT IT  
so good day

**Beatrice Booth:** Potter  
I literally  
I can't even

**James Potter:** i said good day!

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Friday 13th December 2019, 7:03 p.m.

**Members:** Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans

================================

**Beatrice Booth:** Are you nearly home, babe?

**Lily Evans:** Urgh, no.  
I'm nearly in Leeds, then the train stops in Sheffield, then Derby, THEN I have to change trains.  
I won't be home until after 10.

**Beatrice Booth:** Oh good, you're sitting down

**Lily Evans:** Lol what?

**Beatrice Booth:** Can I ask you a question that's going to sound really fucking strange but like, bear with me?  
Is it bear with me or bare with me?

**Lily Evans:** Bear with me.

**Beatrice Booth:** Thank u Miss Shirley <3

**Lily Evans:** U r welcome Miss Gordon <3

**Beatrice Booth:** So like, I KNOW what the answer is gonna be  
But are you secretly going out with Davey Gudgeon?

**Lily Evans: **………

**Beatrice Booth:** ………

**Lily Evans:** ??????

**Beatrice Booth:** ??????????

**Lily Evans:** LMAO NO  
WTF EVEN  
Is this a joke?

**Beatrice Booth:** OKAY THANK YOU I THOUGHT SO

**Lily Evans:** Why would I EVER go out with Davey???  
Like he's nice and all, but NO  
His surname is GUDGEON  
He is also emphatically NOT James????

**Beatrice Booth:** THAT'S WHAT I SAID

**Lily Evans:** I AM SO CONFUSED

**Beatrice Booth:** But James told me that you were dating him!

**Lily Evans:** Excuse me what?  
Wtf WHEN?

**Beatrice Booth:** Like ten minutes ago?

**Lily Evans: **What??????????????????  
I've never even MENTIONED Davey Gudgeon to him what the HELL?

**Beatrice Booth:** That's why he gave you the potato head thing for Secret Santa

**Lily Evans:** I'm sorry but I just DON'T fucking understand what's going on right now.  
Wait what???

**Beatrice Booth: **He's been making you a comic book for weeks

**Lily Evans:** WHAT

**Beatrice Booth:** But then Peter told him he'd seen you being romantic with Davey outside the flat last weekend

**Lily Evans:** ROMANTIC  
WITH  
DAVEY GUDGEON

**Beatrice Booth:** Yeah so anyway, I guess James has known for a while that you swapped his name for Helena's and then when he heard about Davey he decided the comic would be too personal or whatever, and that you probably wanted him to back off and give you space

**Lily Evans:** I can't even  
BACK OFF?  
What do you mean back off? Beatrice.  
Beatrice  
What do you mean?

**Beatrice Booth:** You know what I mean

**Lily Evans:** NO I DON'T EXPLAIN IT TO ME

**Beatrice Booth:** Lily, you do know  
Everyone knows  
It's what I've been telling you for a year  
And yeah, he's not hired a skywriter to spell it out in the air but at this point, what other evidence do you need?  
Babe

**Lily Evans:** No.

**Beatrice Booth: **Yes

_Lily Evans is typing_

**Beatrice Booth: **He's bloody TOLD Remus!  
He whines about his endless hopeless love for you constantly!

_Lily Evans is typing_

**Beatrice Booth: **Remus had to ban him from bringing up your name, he was starting to get stress headaches when he saw ginger people in the street  
James is mad about you  
I can make Remus send you screenshots of his texts if you want!  
He's gotten very fond of shagging me so I'm sure I could barter for it!

_Lily Evans is typing_

**Beatrice Booth:** Lily  
Honey  
I know I'm a devious bitch, but I wouldn't lie about something like this

_Lily Evans is typing_

**Beatrice Booth:** Never to you my love

**Lily Evans:** I have to go.

**Beatrice Booth:** skiojfdhoseirjhaeopirmnadetnmsrm Lily nooooooooooooo!!!!  
This is why I'm here!! So that you can PROCESS  
Out loud! So I can listen and help and promise to not tell Remus anything and inevitably tell him everything but it's okay because he's trustworthy and you love that about me, you've said so  
Don't clam up and go all silent and make me worry about you  
Talk to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

**Lily Evans:** I meant that the train is pulling into the station and I have to get off.  
I'll talk to you later, I'm FINE

**Beatrice Booth:** Oh, okay!  
No, wait  
You're not getting off at Leeds  
Lily  
LILY EVANS!!!!  
Don't trick me like that, it's not fair!

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Friday 13th December 2019, 9:02 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**Lily Evans:** Are you awake?

**James Potter:** yeah

**Lily Evans:** Good.  
Stay that way.

**James Potter:** what?  
why?  
until when? all night?

**Lily Evans:** UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, OKAY?

**James Potter:** okay?

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Friday 13th December 2019, 9:36 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**James Potter:** are you upset with me?  
i feel like you are

**Lily Evans:** Oh  
Just  
Don't  
Don't EVEN  
with me right now  
I'm playing spider solitaire on my phone to calm myself down and will speak to you once I'm done.

**James Potter:** but spider solitaire winds you up

**Lily Evans:** WHAT'S YOUR POINT

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Friday 13th December 2019, 10:45 p.m.

**Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

**Lily Evans:** I'll be in Edinburgh in 20 minutes and I can't afford a taxi because I spent more than I could afford on getting this stupid train ticket back from Leeds.  
Please can you pick me up?

**James Potter:** wait  
you've come back????

**Lily Evans:** Yes.

**James Potter:** tonight???

**Lily Evans:** No James, I sent this text from two days in the future because iOS 13 is so super advanced.  
YES tonight, can you please come and get me so I don't have to end this shitty day by getting butchered by a vengeful Helena on the walk home? I am tired and I'm angry and I badly need a shower and I have spent close to six hours on trains today so I'd APPRECIATE an answer right this minute.

**James Potter:** yes yes of course  
i'm leaving i'm leaving right now

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on: **Friday 13th December 2019, 11:31 p.m.

**Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

================================

**Remus Lupin:** Beatrice's phone is out of battery and she wants to know if you picked Lily up.  
I've tried her but she hasn't read my text yet.

**James Potter:** and here i thought you banned her name, brutus

**Remus Lupin:** I'm wounded to my very core.  
Truly.  
But it's your lucky day. Beatrice wants an update and I'm just tipsy enough to allow a temporary ceasefire, so have at it.

**James Potter:** today's news is i'm going to DIE and dissolve into seafoam  
i'm trying to figure out how to do that but the internet's no good and where do i find a sea witch at this hour?  
the blades are in my HEART not my feet, remus

**Remus Lupin:** Whatever I was expecting, that honestly wasn't it.

**James Potter:** she won't talk to me  
at all  
not a word  
i picked her up from the station and she got into the car and just sat there  
for the whole trip home  
staring straight ahead of her  
scowling  
SCOWLING, remus!  
and she won't tell me why!  
she's having a shower in her flat now and will "deal with me" after  
whatever that means  
i'm assuming dismemberment

**Remus Lupin:** How did you figure that out if she didn't say a word to you at all?

**James Potter:** ffs remus  
a tiny bit of dramatic licence and you're all over me like the whatsapp police???

**Remus Lupin:** Hahaha  
You have the right to remain corrected.

**James Potter: **would it KILL you to not know absolutely EVERYTHING for once, you smartarsed prick?

**Remus Lupin:** Yes, it very likely would.

*****

Lily took her sweet time showering.

The train back to Edinburgh had been hotter than she could bear, as if the conductor had fancied a roasted passenger for his dinner and decided to manifest his dream into reality. Five games of spider solitaire and one wretchedly unpleasant phone conversation with her sister Petunia had left her, if anything, even more angry and frustrated than she had been when Beatrice texted her the news of James's groundbreaking accomplishments in the (often overlooked) academic field of complete and utter _idiocy._

As if he could have thought that she'd go out with Davey Gudgeon.

The same Davey Gudgeon who had been caught with his pants around his ankles—quite literally—when the police busted in on that grimy tanning salon that had been secretly housing a brothel.

_Davey Gudgeon!_

And James was right, spider solitaire _did_ wind Lily up. It wound her up no end and she'd _known_ that when she started playing and it hadn't improved matters in the slightest. She should have heeded him on that score but she hadn't, because she was furious with him, because he'd made her a comic and hidden it away and because he thought she was interested in Davey "happy endings" Gudgeon!

Plus, she owed Vernon Dursley the cost of her ticket to and from Leicester, which was great because she couldn't afford it.

The drive home from the station had been icy by her design, and therefore impossible, because the sight of James's terrified, deer-in-headlights face as soon as she walked outside and saw him standing there—against a backdrop of merry Christmas lights, with the laughter of drunken revellers singing a chorus to accompany it all—had thawed her frozen heart into a puddle of sop an instant. She'd had to _work_ to keep her bad mood up, had to stare straight ahead of her at the inky sky outside, couldn't dare sing along to their shared playlist of tinkling Christmas tunes that she knew he'd put on to appease her.

She and James shared most of their playlists. That was how intertwined their lives had become. They shared their meals, their dreams, their music and a million little jokes that nobody else would ever get, he'd cracked a gaping, bottomless chasm in her heart that only he could fill, but James still had the audacity to believe Lily would actually throw in her lot in with Davey-fucking-Gudgeon. Of _all_ people.

So she took her sweet time showering, put on her freshest pyjamas and walked into his flat with her hair damp and loose around her face. He'd left the front door open like she'd asked; she kicked it shut behind her and marched straight into his room, finding him splayed across his bed with his phone out, tapping repeatedly at the screen with his tongue between his teeth. His hair looked more dishevelled than usual, as if he'd been fiddling with it non-stop.

James always fiddled with his hair more when he was anxious.

He tossed his phone aside and sprang up from his prone position as soon as she walked in, though he remained seated, his eyes falling on the box that she carried in both hands. She'd been so excited when she wrapped it at the weekend, so determined to make it look perfect and so paranoid about creasing the paper in the wrong spot.

Now she half-felt like chucking it at him.

She wouldn't. But the urge was definitely there.

"Is that a Christmas present?" he asked, as if it could have been anything but.

"It's for you, Brain of Britain," she coolly responded, and gave the box a dull shake. "This is the reason I swapped your name for Helena's in the first place. Tah-bloody-dah."

His eyes moved to her face and widened like saucers. "Oh."

"Yes, _oh."_

"So that's—that's for me?"

"Could be. That depends."

"Depends on what?"

Lily shrugged. "Where's my present?"

He knew what she was talking about, she could tell. She could see the cogs whirring around in his brain, the mental trapeze act required to flip through the many pros and cons of _will I, won't I, should I?_ in the space of a couple of seconds. She'd seen it all before. She knew James all too well. "I already gave—"

"I'm not talking about your fake backup present," she cut in. "I'm talking about the _real_ one. The comic you made me, the one Bea told me about. Where is it?"

His Adam's apple bobbed in his neck. A lie was coming. "I threw it out."

"You threw it out?"

"Yeah."

"Whoosh? Gone? Off with the bin men?"

"It wasn't any good anyway," said James. He was looking at the box again, but this time it was a clear avoidance of her gaze, "and then I didn't manage to finish—"

"You're lying."

"I am not."

"Yes you are," Lily accused. "You wouldn't have thrown it out, you just don't want me to see it. You're hiding it somewhere." She dropped James's present on the end of his bed and whirled around on one foot. His desk was right across from his bed and one drawer was sitting open, stuffed to the brim with paper. She took a step and then another. "I _want_ my present. Where is it?"

"Oi!" James was up from his bed in a flash, shoving his stupid, athletic, much taller body between her and his desk like he was throwing himself in front of a bullet that she'd aimed at Dennis Bergkamp. "You can't go looking through my stuff!"

"Oh, watch me!" she warned, with an outrageous amount of confidence, considering he was taller, faster and physically stronger than she was, and started pushing, dodging and scrabbling to get at his desk drawer, while he held her off with infuriating ease. "You made it for _me,_ it's rightfully _mine—" _

"—you can't just—"

"—for _god's_ sake, just let me see—"

"—that's my personal, _private—" _

"—why can't I have it?"

_"Because!"_

"Because what?!" Lily cried, her arms dropping to her sides in defeat. "Why can't I see it? What could _possibly_ be in there that you don't—"

But she saw it, the briefest of tells, the almost imperceptible flash of James's eyes when they flicked to the window and back again.

"The _window!"_ she gasped in triumph, like a pantomime audience. She spun away and made a beeline for it, but James caught her in half a second, arms encircling her waist from behind, and lifted her clean off her feet.

There they both were, two complete fools, him holding her up in midair, her dangling from his arms like a bloody rag doll.

It was all too idiotic for words.

"Well," she said, after she'd taken the necessary moment to compose herself and process the ridiculousness of it all. _"This_ is the stupidest situation that either of us have ever ended up in."

Behind her, James grunted and jerked his head back. She shook slightly in his arms. "Your hair is in my mouth."

"And that's my problem, how?"

"I just thought you'd want to know."

"This was _clearly_ not my choice, James!"

He huffed out an angry breath. Or maybe he was blowing her hair out of his face. "Can I put you down now?"

"Please."

"If I do, will you promise that you won't go tearing through my stuff?"

She sighed. The hard band of his arms around her stomach was starting to ache. "I promise."

James set her down on the floor and Lily turned to face him, rubbing at the spot on her stomach where his arm had unwittingly been digging.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked, eyeing her midsection with concern.

"No," she glumly responded. "I mean, maybe? I don't know." She gestured to the pristinely wrapped box on his bed. "Could you at least open your gift instead?"

He still seemed more concerned by her stomach. "Lily, if I hurt you—"

"Just open your present."

"But it's not Christmas ye—"

"For _god's_ sake, James!"

"Okay, okay!" He held one hand up in surrender and took hold of her wrist with the other. "But I'm taking you with me, in case you sprint off in search and I have to rugby tackle you to get you to stop."

"I promised I wouldn't, didn't I?"

"Doesn't hurt to take precautions," he weakly quipped, but let go of her once he reached his bed and sat down, lifting the box into his lap. "So I just tear into this bad boy?"

"By all means, tear away."

He ran his hand along the narrow, outer edge of the box, burrowed his finger beneath a carefully folded flap and ripped it open.

It took him several blistering seconds to tear the paper away from the box, and several _horrifying_ seconds more to sit there and stare at what he'd revealed in barefaced, unadulterated shock.

She hadn't considered how frightening this moment would be.

"Well?" she said lightly, though the quivering note of her nerves was audible. "D'you like it?"

Even more seconds passed before he seemed capable of answering, but then he sucked in a great big breath and prodded the front of the box like he was igniting the big red button.

_"Lily,"_ he said, his voice verging on reverential. "This is… this is _us."_

And it _was_ them—or at least, them in miniature size.

Designing an accurate LEGO model of James's flat—puddle soaked kitchen floor, scowling cat photo on the bathroom door, hastily stacked appliances and all—had proven a task _beyond_ unreasonable and far more than she should have been willing to spend, but Lily had _done _it, she'd bloody _succeeded,_ recreating the entire tableau as accurately and faithfully as she could, right down to the figures of herself and her friends, their expressions, and the colours of the clothes they'd been wearing on the day. 

Mary was there, with her little black phone to her ear, angrily barking orders in the way only Mary ever did. Beatrice and Remus were kneeling on the floor, just as they had been when Lily had first walked in with her big plastic box and no clear idea of what trouble she was in for. James was balanced on a chair with his grey pot in his hand, while a tiny, plastic Lily stood to his side and a nearby, scowling Sirius rescued the toaster. Even Peter was there, heading to the kitchen with a bottle in each hand.

"Yup," she agreed. Her face was hot enough to cook eggs, and her heart was flickering and flitting in a most unusual way, like it had suddenly forgotten its actual purpose. "Or something _like_ us, at least."

"I can't—how did you _do_ this?"

"I used their online builder service to plan it all out and make the manual," she explained, so carelessly and casually that she could have kicked herself, as if she could afford to be so flippant about a labour of love that cost her six months of her life and a shameful amount of her savings. "Then I committed several uni policy breaches to print it all out, bought all of the pieces online, built it, took pictures, disassembled it, you know."

"Does the t-shirt I'm wearing say—"

"Hello, my name is James? Yeah, it does," she finished for him. "You can thank a guy on Etsy for that. LEGO don't do _anything_ so specific to order."

"I can't even—_Lily,_ I just—wow," he breathed, running his fingers along the front of the box. "It's just so—_wow."_ He looked up at her, completely astonished. "How long did this take you?"

"Six months."

"Six _months?"_

"I mean, it would have taken less, but LEGO's builder service isn't supported anymore so you can't use it to buy pieces, plus it's _shit,_ so that took forever to learn how to use, then Davey Gudgeon took a millennium to finish the box. I could've bloody killed him."

At the mention of Davey, James's jaw tensed, his Adam's apple bobbing tellingly again. _Up, down, up, down._ "Davey Gudgeon made the box?"

"Well what did you think when Peter told you he'd seen us, James, that I was dating him?" she said flatly, and the shame in his face was instantaneous. He practically withered from the force of it. "I couldn't get the _best_ artist I know to make it because that's you, but Davey's, what, like a hundred miles behind you? That's as close as anyone's ever going to get."

"So you're not—" His voice sounded rather strangled. He coughed, and hastened to clear his throat. "You're _not_ going out with Davey Gudgeon?"

"I'd rather go out with a squid, quite frankly."

This seemed to rob James of all words. He stared at her in silence for several moments, and Lily couldn't think of what to do besides let him stare, and scuff her feet on the carpeted floor that matched her own, and wish that she'd worn something nicer than a pair of blue pyjamas.

"I love this," he said presently.

A knot in her stomach loosened a little. "Really?"

"Really. I love this. I _love_ this," he insisted, holding her gaze, and said it with a firm, ferocious kind of warmth that reached right into Lily's chest and snuggled her heart. "I don't even know how to _thank_ you for this, this is the best present I've ever gotten in my entire life—I mean, besides Algernon," he added quickly. "The best non-living present."

She allowed herself to smile, just a wee bit fondly. "I'm not going to complain about that."

"And I love that you picked _this_ day. I _remember_ this day, really clearly. Every detail of it," he added, tapping the box with his index finger. "Until we all got bladdered, anyway."

"It was a really important day for me."

He nodded in agreement. "Right. Leakgate. Because that's when we all became friends."

"No, you daft sod," she gently protested, and almost laughed with it. He really was so extraordinarily silly. "Because that's when I first met _you."_

The questioning little crinkle between his eyebrows was smoothed away in a moment, like silk, softness stealing into his eyes.

Very, very carefully, as if it was made of fragile, splintering glass, James set the box down on his bed.

He stood up, needlessly brushed off his jeans, took a single, purposeful step in her direction and just… just _pounced,_ at the very last second, his hand curling firmly around the back of Lily's neck, pulling their bodies together—so _very_ close together—and the soft, surprised little sound that he drew from her was gone as soon as it happened, stolen away, sealed between their lips like a secret when he kissed her.

And _oh,_ it was lovely, _so_ lovely, the kind of kiss that curled toes and set comets whizzing past the earth and sent her fingers burrowing deep into the folds of his shirt to pull him as close as close could be. _They_ were so good at this, so utterly harmonized, as if they'd been practicing for this one warm moment for an eternity but they _hadn't,_ because his mouth on hers and the taste of his tongue and the way his fingers brushed against the goose-pimpled nape of her neck was a brand new, wonderful feeling.

Lily hadn't expected it to feel that way, to feel that _much._

But then, she'd never been in love before she met him.

She really couldn't bear for it to end—not the _first_ of their firsts, of many firsts, she knew—but the moment inevitably came when she simply had to pull away to take a steadying breath and maybe die a little, and beam at him like the giddy, stupefied fool that she was.

James pressed his lips to her forehead and let out a sigh that filled her whole chest.

"I have wanted. To do that. _Forever,"_ he murmured against her skin.

_"I've_ wanted to do that forever."

"I feel so much _better_ now. Do you?"

She nodded. "It's like—like coming up for air or something."

"That, and I've just—oh!" he exclaimed, pulling away slightly, as if the thought had only just strayed across his path to jolt him out of a hazy, happy waking dream. _"And_ I'm in love with you!"

Everything that was good and happy and kept the cockles of Lily's heart at a toasty temperature leapt out at once, formed a merry bundle and manifested itself in one astounding, silly little laugh. "You are?"

"Oh, big time! Massively in love," said James eagerly. He was grinning from ear to ear, his eyes searching her face as if they were trying to commit a work of art to memory. "You know, like, orchestral music playing and doves sweeping down from the clouds and big swelling waves crashing on the sand, and all of that stuff? I've loved you for _ages,_ you know—that's why I kept proposing to you when I was drunk!"

"Well, _I'm_ in love with you too!" Lily squeaked. "That's why I kept accepting!"

"We're such idiots!"

"Such idiots!"

"I even put it in the comic!" he said, adding a decibel or two to their happiness. Sirius thumped on the wall from the next room. "That was how I was going to tell you how I felt! I had it all planned out and I was determined I was going to finally do it and then Peter saw you with Gudgeon and he jumped to conclusions, and then _I _jumped to conclusions and—"

"And then you threw it away?" she teased, with a lift of her brow.

"Don't remind me of my failures in eyebrow-lifting, and _please,"_ he countered, pushing it back down with the tip of his thumb, which he trailed softly down her cheek and across her lower lip. He was full of his usual bravado, now that all was well and they loved one another and Lily was definitely getting that Ring Pop, and maybe even a real ring one day, at some rosy moment in their future. "Do you really think I'd scrap something I'd worked so hard on for months?"

"Months, eh?"

"You are _worth_ months."

"So where can I find the fruits of your labours?"

A whisper of a satisfied smirk graced his lips. "Rolled up in the curtain pole."

"In the _curtain pole?"_ she squeaked, laughing. "What were you expecting, nerdy home invaders looking for intellectual property to steal?"

"I was expecting Beatrice to tell you and for you to come barging in here looking for it, so… yeah?"

"Well go and get it, weirdo," she demanded, landing a playful, painless smack to his chest. "No, wait!" He was dutifully turning to leave, so she clutched at his shirt and tugged hard, pulling him back to her again. "I've changed my mind, come back here—"

"But your present!" he feebly protested. "I worked so hard on it!"

Except, his hands had already settled on her hips, nice and snug, and he was grinning and he was brilliant and he bloody _loved_ her, and Lily felt her bottom bump gently into the wall.

"But my _present,"_ she mimicked, smiling, and he kissed her again.

*****

**WhatsApp Group Chat: Secret Santa**

**Resumed on: **Saturday 14th December 2019, 1:08 p.m.

**Members: **Sirius Black, Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

**================================**

**Lily Evans: **Since I'm back unexpectedly early can we have Christmas take 2 tonight pleeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeeeeee?

**Peter Pettigrew:** You're back already?

**Mary Macdonald:** You're back??  
Where the fuck are you then?

**Beatrice Booth:** LOL oh yeah Mary, I might have forgotten to mention XD

**Lily Evans: **YES and since I'm the only one who hasn't sampled the delights of the Christmas market I REALLY want to go again tonight and then maybe we can all have dinner at New Chapter?????

**Mary Macdonald:** Oooh New Chapter yes please!

**Beatrice Booth:** Fancy!

**Remus Lupin:** I'd honestly love to go, but I really can't afford it.

**Lily Evans:** Oh, don't worry about that, James insists upon paying for everyone.  
Actually it was his idea.  
We're celebrating!

**James Potter:** he does insist  
and it was his idea  
she's very correct in all she says

**Beatrice Booth: **OMG YAY  
THANK U JIMMERS!

**Mary Macdonald:** WE LOVE U JIMMERS!

**Beatrice Booth:** SWEET BABY JIMMERS

**Remus Lupin: **I don't know if I can put you out like that.

**James Potter:** i'm a millionaire remus shut up

**Beatrice Booth:** HE'S SHUTTING UP HE'S SHUTTING UP!  
I'M SO EXCITED LEMME LOOK UP THE MENU ONLINE  
NORMAL MENU OR FESTIVE?

**Lily Evans:** Festive, babe. Three courses.

**Beatrice Booth:** Awwww Jimmers my lad, you take care of us.  
Love you <3

**James Potter:** lol love you too  
they had no tables available but mum pulled some strings and got us a table at 8

**Beatrice Booth:** OOH CONFIT DUCK CROQUETTES  
JERUSALEM ARTICHOKE GNOCCHI WHO IS THAT STARRY-EYED BEAUTY TRANSCENDING JOYOUSNESS WHY YES IT IS ME  
Remus I'm texting you the menu link pls read

**Remus Lupin:** Yes, my love.

**Mary Macdonald:** Butternut squash and Parmesan soup FUCK YES  
I'm so excited.

**Peter Pettigrew:** I am going to have TURKEY BALLOTINE!

**Mary Macdonald:** LMAO Peter.

**Peter Pettigrew:** What is a ballotine?

**James Potter:** it's a device they behead you with if they catch you voting illegally

**Lily Evans:** HAH

**Mary Macdonald:** LMAO

**James Potter: **OR  
it's a deboned and stuffed thigh/leg part of whatever poultry you're eating, usually shaped like a sausage

**Sirius Black:** So you two have stopped shagging, have you?

**Lily Evans:** Momentarily.

**Sirius Black:** So I can take off the noise cancelling headphones and live my fucking life?

**Lily Evans:** That's for you to decide, mate. Not me.

**Mary Macdonald:** WHAT  
WAIT  
WHAT  
WHAT THE FUCKING WHAT?

**Peter Pettigrew:** Wait, who is shagging?

**James Potter:** lily and me

**Mary Macdonald:** OI  
OI  
OI

**Beatrice Booth:** AYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY  
SODJGOAISWERHJAPWOIERJHOFINBZSODFJMNAPOFIJHNOIERFNJAEDRFN

**Mary Macdonald:** AWOOGA, AWOOGA  
OLEEEEEE OLE OLE OLEEEE  
OLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
OLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

**Remus Lupin:**  
<https://youtu.be/us3dQ0nnlHY>[  
](https://youtu.be/us3dQ0nnlHY)Cliff Richard - Congratulations  
_A very young Cliff singing at the eurovision songcont…_

**Peter Pettigrew:** OMG  
BUT HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

**Lily Evans:** ……do you want a diagram, Peter?

**James Potter:** son, when a man and a woman love each other very much…

**Sirius Black:** They're shagging LOUDLY, and at great personal inconvenience to me.  
I couldn't read my book last night.

**Peter Pettigrew:** I know how it WORKS!

**Mary Macdonald:** Probs because you were outside their door with a fucking glass to your ear you sick fuck.

**Sirius Black:** They're no less fucking talkative than usual in the sack, by the way.

**Mary Macdonald:** Oh, incriminate yourself, by all means.

**Peter Pettigrew:** But what about Lily's boyfriend??!

**James Potter:** um, i'm her boyfriend  
hello  
me  
here

**Lily Evans:** **@Peter Pettigrew **I was never dating Davey, he made part of James's Christmas present for me.  
I hugged him because it turned out super well.

**Peter Pettigrew:** Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
I'm so sorry!  
I should have checked or kept my mouth shut but Helena convinced me to tell him!

**James Potter:** it's okay mate

**Lily Evans:** Yeah, really <3

**Beatrice Booth:** BUT OMGGGGG  
OMG  
YOU FINALLY DID IT!!!!  
I'M SO HAPPYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!  
WHO HAD DECEMBER 14TH IN THE POLL?

**Mary Macdonald:** Poll?

**Remus Lupin:** We didn't have a poll.

**Beatrice Booth:** We didn't?  
You mean I can only profit EMOTIONALLY from the conjoinment of their parts?

**James Potter:** you're getting a free fucking dinner, how dare u


End file.
